Absence of Fear
by lovebugxstories
Summary: Five years after high school Brittany and Santana were happy. They had each other and everything else they could wish for... but when everything suddenly falls apart, how much time is there to fix it? Warning: Character death.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Finally (or already?) decided to start a new multi chapter Brittana fic (though I still want to get back to writing If U Seek Rachel, just saying...) and I have to tell you: This story is sad. I can give that much away. So please, if you dislike too sad and angsty stories, it's really for the best if you don't read that one, there are other, happier Brittana stories on my to do-list for the near future. **

**Of course I'm happy about whoever will read and review, I just think you should be warned!**

Santana's hand was shaking as she turned the key in the lock of her front door. She straightened her jacket as she carefully stepped inside, trying not to make any noises.

She tiptoed into the kitchen, her hand searching for the switch of the small lamp. She was thirsty and really needed a drink before going to bed. When she finally found what she was looking for, the light switched on and Santana caught her breath, holding back a scream.

"Jesus, Brittany, you scared the shit out of me..."

"Who is she?" her girlfriend asked in a numb voice, blue eyes staring at her.

Santana looked at the blonde woman in front of her, the woman who knew her better than anyone else in this world. She felt herself tear up at the sight, felt her heart pound faster at the image of Brittany with those puffy red eyes, looking tired as fuck, her elbow resting on the kitchen table, exhausted, as she waited for some sort of answer.

The Latina knew that her next sentence would most likely seal the fate of their relationship. She knew it was either the truth or lying. Either hurting Brittany or ... or hurting her even more.

"Seriously, San. Tell me her name. I wanna know."

Brittany seemed so powerless. As if she was giving up a fight.

Santana swallowed hard, then took a deep breath as she was making a fist in the pocket of her jacket to keep her hand from shaking.

"Lory" she finally brought out. "Loredana actually. She's Italian."

Brittany stared at Santana for a moment longer, taking in her girlfriend's words. Hurt was mirroring in her eyes and somehow Santana thought there was still some hint of genuine surprise. Wasn't this what she had expected to hear? Santana figured actually hearing her speak the words out loud must have been a punch in Brittany's stomach nonetheless.

For a while no one said anything and the silence was suffocating.

"Do you want me to leave?" Santana asked, trying to keep her gaze strict, biting the inside of her cheek to keep herself from crying. Five years. It's been five long years that they had been happy together. Until everything had to fall apart.

Brittany got up from her chair and shook her head, walking around the room to pick up her shoes and her jacket which she put on, even though she was wearing nothing but some old Mickey Mouse sweatshirt and a pair of sleepy pants.

"Where are you going, Brit?" Santana asked slowly, her eyes following the other woman's movements.

"I'll ... go to my mom's place for now I guess..." Brittany whispered, removing her hair tie to get rid of her ponytail. Santana knew she was doing this so her hair would fall into her face, so that Santana wouldn't see the blonde's tears. Santana saw them anyway.

"I'm sorry, Brit. I am" the Latina whispered slowly. "It's..." She sighed. "... you deserve better."

Brittany's head darted up at those last words and she brushed her tears away forcefully. "I deserve better?" She let out an ironic laugh.

"Just tell me why, Santana. I want only one reason, okay? Then I'm out."

Santana didn't know what to tell her. There was no way she could give her a reason. She had made her decision quite a while ago, and now there was no turning back.

She swallowed once again, feeling as if someone was slowly pulling that knot around her neck tighter and tighter.

"It's not you, it's me." Wow. What a cliché excuse.

Brittany frowned, shaking her head. "You can't even give me a real reason, Santana. Don't you think I deserve that much?"

The blonde did deserve that much. In fact she deserved all the good things in the world. She was kind-hearted, funny, beautiful, the most loving person Santana had ever met. That was exactly why she deserved better and why this was all for the best. Better now before it was too late.

"You're right" Santana slowly agreed. "It's just that I realized..." she started, clearing her throat.

"... I realized I moved on, okay? This is not what I want. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you in this apartment. I don't want to have kids. I need space."

It was hard to keep her voice strict. She felt evil for speaking those words, for seeing the effect they had on the one person who meant the world to her. Her heart was pumping heavily in Santana's throat.

"And that space you find with that Italian chick?" Brittany looked away.

"I'm sorry my pizza sucked..." she added in a whisper, using her already wet sleeve to get rid of the tears that had started flowing again.

Santana knew she couldn't stare at the scene for only one second longer. She leaned herself against the fridge and closed her eyes, letting out a deep breath.

"Maybe it's really for the best if you leave now..."

She kept her eyes closed, trying to focus on her breathing. This would soon be over. She'd let her leave and then she'd move on. She'd somehow make it. She'd somehow manage all of this alone. It was for the best. For Brittany. She needed to remember that.

Santana didn't open her eyes until she heard the doors close. First the kitchen door, then the front door. Then the house was silent.

It was as if the silence finally allowed her to let loose, her body entirely tensed from holding back the masses of emotions that had been building up in these past minutes. Maybe not minutes. Maybe even months.

Tears were streaming down her face, hot and fast, and Santana let herself sink onto the kitchen floor, groaning as she was punching the linoleum next to her.

It was exactly what she had planned. She knew it was the only way to get out of this relationship. It had to be this way. She had thought this through. She needed to stay strong.

_Stay strong_ she told herself as she was fumbling for her bag, digging through her stuff until she finally found the small orange bottle of pills.

She opened it with a disgusted look on her face and stared at the two white tablets in the palm of her hand.

"Fuck this shit..." was all she murmured before swallowing them, her vision blurry from the tears that wouldn't stop running.

"Fuck this shit."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Almost a year had passed since their breakup but not one day had passed that Brittany didn't ask herself what she had done wrong.

Somehow it didn't feel like a year. Somehow it felt as if they had kissed each other only yesterday. Somehow it felt as if they'd been apart for even longer than that.

They had never spoken to each other since that night. Brittany had picked up her stuff that one afternoon when she knew Santana was at work. She had left her key to the apartment on the kitchen table. She had wanted to leave a note but she hadn't known what it should say. She had scribbled down at least five different versions.

_Please change your mind._

_Whatever I did, I'm sorry._

_You're mean, Santana. Mean. Here's your stupid key._

_I hope you'll be happy with her._

_I would have learned how to make better pizza. You should have told me. Call me, please._

In the end she had ripped the paper again and stuffed it into her jeans pocket. What was there to say on such a small note? What was there to say after such a long relationship?

Maybe she wasn't the smartest person, but Brittany knew her ex-girlfriend well, knew how to analyze her emotions, her actions, her words. But a while before their breakup, Brittany had stopped understanding. Santana had been nothing but confusing.

She had left the house early and came home late. She hadn't told her where she was going, seemed to have lost all of her happiness. She had been cold and distant, had barely wanted to sleep with her anymore. Brittany had known that something was wrong, but whenever she had tried to talk it out, the Latina had closed up. Entirely. She had been helpless.

What had made her do it? Why someone else?

Even after all this time, not knowing the answers to those questions drove her nuts. Even now, having a new girlfriend, Brittany couldn't stop thinking about Santana.

She was happy with this new girl, she was nice, pretty, friendly. A sweetheart, much like herself. But all these images, all these questions, all these unresolved feelings - they didn't leave her head.

She and Amber didn't live together and Brittany didn't think she wanted to take that step anytime soon. Trusting someone new wasn't easy, even though the blonde tended to see only the good in people. But where had that gotten her? She had had her heart broken. Badly. And as much as she tried to deny it, that thing with Santana had taken away some of her happy ditzyness.

Amber had been her client at the hair salon where Brittany had recently found a new job. She hadn't known the other blonde was gay until they had started chatting about miserable dates during one appointment. Brittany had almost dropped her scissors when the girl in front of her started talking about having dated a woman with a fetish for fake moustaches. They had both started laughing uncontrollably and it had been the first time in a long time that Brittany had felt at least a little bit of her usual light-heartedness again. One week later they had met for dinner, which had lead to sex, which had lead to dating. It had been easy. Esepcially since Amber and Santana couldn't have been more different.

Brittany tried to ignore that she missed snuggling with Santana on the couch. Linking pinkies as they were shopping groceries. Being pulled in for a protective hug whenever they watched a silly horror movie.

Amber and she hadn't even had a real fight yet. Sure there had been small disagreements, but at some point the other woman would smile and tell her they should just forget about it and it would be okay. With Santana she had had countless fights. Was it ridiculous to miss fighting? To miss the look Santana would give her when she realized she had done something wrong? The way she would carefully approach her from behind and position a shy kiss on her cheek as an apology? A wordless apology that had always meant more than anything to her in that moment? A small kiss that would make her heart beat faster, that would make her smile brightly and turn around to pull the Latina in for a hug, telling her she was glad they were okay again?

Was it ridiculous to still think about the many times they had danced in the kitchen together as they had waited for their pasta to be ready? How dorky they had hopped around? How the other woman had pushed her against the kitchen counter to kiss her until she felt dizzy and lacked oxygen? How they had managed to burn their pasta every single fucking time because of that?

Amber never overcooked her pasta. She worked at a catering service and knew exactly how to prepare a perfect dinner for them. It was nice. Nothing anyone could complain about.

Brittany wondered if Santana were still dating this Lory chick. At first she had wanted to track down all the Loredanas in the city to see what the other woman was like, to see what Santana might have missed in their relationship, but she had decided against it.

She had said she needed space. She didn't want to have kids.

Why kids? Brittany had never even mentioned kids. Was it because she sometimes commented on cute children on TV? Because she had commented on some cute baby hats with fluffy panda ears at the mall? She would have taken it back, she wouldn't have said anything at all if she had known it would scare her girlfriend away.

Why was she even thinking about all this? It had been a year. It didn't make sense still to feel guilty about something she didn't even know she should feel guilty about.

"You okay?" Amber asked her and Brittany finally woke up from her little trance.

"Sure" she said, trying to smile. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Amber gave her a weird look and pointed at the cone in Brittany's hand and the chocolate ice cream that was running down her fingers.

"Oh."

The blonde handed Brittany a napkin and helped her clean up the mess as she put a bit of the sweet brown ice cream on her girlfriend's nose and grinned at her, teasingly.

"You're such a child sometimes."

Brittany smiled and cleared her throat as she took Amber's hand in hers and they continued their walk through the park. It was one of the last warm summer days and the leaves had started changing their color. It was a pretty afternoon with her pretty girlfriend. Brittany figured she should be happy.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Working at the salon was a lot of fun for Brittany, even though it wasn't exactly the 'hippest' place in town. Many housewives came over to get a new and fresh hairstyle, sometimes elderly women, sometimes children. The blonde had quickly become quite popular, not only because she always had great suggestions for new haircuts and colors, also because whenever she was around, the music would play a little louder. Brittany wasn't shy. Sometimes she'd sing along, sometimes she'd dance around with the blow-dryer – it was a pleasure to be around and watch her.

Just as she was working on Mrs McClark's hair with the curling iron, Brittany heard her colleague talk in the background.

"Miss Lopez" the voice said friendly, "it's been a while. What can we do for you?"

Brittany froze, looking into the mirror in front of her where she could clearly see the reflection of her ex-girlfriend, talking to her co-worker Anna at their small reception.

"Ooouch" Mrs McClark complained as Brittany realized she had kept the hot iron next to her client's ear for too long.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry" she mumbled, suddenly feeling nervous. She had no idea what to do with herself, her hands were shaking. She risked another look into the mirror where her eyes met the Latina's who looked just as shocked as herself.

She could see the inner conflict in her ex-girlfriend's eyes, could feel how she was most likely trying to decide if she should run out of the building.

"Miss Lopez?" Anna asked carefully as Santana slowly sunk back to reality.

"Uh..." she stuttered. "You know what, um, I will come back some other time, I... I'm sorry."

The brunette was turning around on her heel, giving the other woman a last apologetic look as she headed for the exit.

"Excuse me for a minute" Brittany breathed out, dropping the iron and the hairbrush as she ran after Santana. She had given herself no time to think about her actions, it was pure instinct that told her to follow the brunette before it was too late. She didn't even know what she wanted to tell her, she only knew she needed to look at her for a few more seconds, needed to see the reaction on her face – anything.

"Santana!" she yelled after her, following her with fast steps. "Santana, wait, please!"

The small glass door closed behind them and they both stood outside the salon, staring at each other.

Santana broke their gaze first, looking down on the asphalt.

"San, it's... it's been a while..." Brittany started, trying to bring out a smile.

"Yeah" Santana replied, taking a deep breath as she tried to smile even brighter. "How are you doing, Brit?"

This was beyond weird.

Brittany wasn't sure what she was feeling, wasn't sure what she should say, wasn't sure if it was mainly excitement or sadness that was dominating her body. She was surprised to feel no anger. Somehow the anger had vanished in the past year, somehow all she could see was a person she used to love and felt the need to be around her for a little while longer.

"I'm fine. Good. Great actually" Brittany blabbered, laughing excitedly. "I have a job here now. It's nice."

"I can see that" Santana responded, swallowing hard. "Much better than that cheap salon at the station, eh?"

Brittany nodded, trying to resist the urge to touch the other woman's hand.

"You look great" Santana added, her face more serious now, and Brittany knew she meant it.

"Thanks. You look..."

Her gaze traveled up and down the Latina's body and she couldn't help but frown.

"Hot?" Santana asked, trying to get back to her old flirtatious self.

"I was going to say 'thin', but..." Brittany admitted slowly, not able to deny that her ex seemed to have lost quite a few pounds in the past months.

"Rice diet" Santana explained shrugging, hugging her bag in front of her belly.

"How are things with..."

"Lory?" Santana asked in a tone that Brittany couldn't really analyze.

"Yeah, Lory. I hope everything went well?"

"Yes, everything's great. I mean... I don't know, I guess it's still awkward to talk about it, don't you think?" the Latina mumbled, her eyes searching for some other place to focus than Brittany's eyes.

"No, it's fine. I mean, I'm glad to hear you're happy. And I'm happy too now. I found someone new and she's fun to be around and... yeah. I have nothing to complain about."

The smile was still frozen on Santana's lips but her gaze softened.

"I'm really glad to hear that, Brit" she said sincerely after a pause. "You deserve to be happy."

She reached out to cover Brittany's hand with her own and squeezed it tightly. For a second Brittany thought Santana's eyes looked teary but before she had a chance to think about it, the Latina's hand had left hers again, grabbing her bag a little tighter than before.

"I'm actually on my way to Lory right now" Santana stated, not looking at the blonde as she nervously played with her long dark curls.

"But it was nice seeing you again."

Brittany's heart was pounding a little faster in her chest, something like panic washing over her. She didn't want her to leave. She didn't want to say good bye again, not knowing if she'd ever see her again. She felt silly for wanting to ask her to stay, for wanting to ask for her number. She didn't even know what she wanted from the other woman, if she suddenly wanted some sort of friendship, all she knew was that she didn't want her to be gone.

"Can't we hang out sometime?" she blurted out, hating the desperate tone in her voice.

"Just coffee? A hot cocoa?"

Santana looked tortured, biting her lower lip. She sighed.

"I don't know, Brit, I - "

"Only to talk about good old times, San. I know you're in a relationship. I am too. I don't want anything from you, okay? Just ... hear what you've been up to."

Brittany was toying with the zipper of her shirt now.

"I missed you. I mean... I miss being your friend. We've always been best friends, San" she added in a whisper.

Santana looked defeated, shaking her head.

"Okay... I guess. I guess one coffee seems about fine."

Brittany felt relieved, smiling happily at the woman in front of her.

"My cell's still the same" she told her. "If you still have the number."

"I know it by heart" Santana admitted with a shy smile. "I mean, it's an easy numer. Many three's, not so hard."

The blonde simply smiled, brushing her hand along the brunette's arm.

"I'll be waiting for your call" she told her softly before turning around to run back to work. Poor Mrs McClark.

When she looked back into the mirror to continue working on the elderly woman's hair, Brittany noticed her flushed cheeks. She was red. Like a tomato. Her head felt as if it were on fire.

Somehow she felt happy. Somehow she had to fight tears. Even after all this time Santana hadn't changed – she was still so damn confusing.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Just when Brittany received Mrs McClark's tip, Santana finally arrived at the house she'd been heading to. She had tried to remain calm, had tried not to let the encounter with her ex drive her nuts. She had managed not to run into her for such a long time and she had thought she was almost over her. She had thought she could finally be strong without her. Why did she have to be in that stupid salon. She certainly hadn't been there the last time.

It would be stupid to call her. It would be insane. What would they even talk about? There was nothing she could say to her. How could seeing her still hurt as much? After all this time?

Santana's legs were weak as she walked up the few steps to the huge and heavy entrance door, ringing the bell next to the right name tag.

_Dr. Loredana Valentini – Oncologist_

xxxxxxxxxxxx

tbc.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks everyone for the positive response to the fic! I'm happy you're enjoying it so far even if the topic isn't enjoyable at all. I'm keeping the chapters a little shorter for now, shorter than usual, but somehow I feel as if I don't want to overload them with too much heavy content. Might change as soon as we get further into the plot :)**

**Thanks Steph for your work and input!**

Anna approached Brittany as soon as Mrs McClark had left the salon.

"What was that about earlier?" she asked her, a confused expression on her face.

"What do you mean?" Brittany wanted to know, though she already had a pretty good idea what her colleague was referring to.

"You running after Ms Lopez" the woman clarified, tilting her head.

"I didn't know that you knew her" Brittany said slowly.

"She's been here a few times, how do you know her?" Anna queried.

The blonde hairdresser swallowed. "She's my ex and former best friend. We've dated for five years..."

"Oh..." Anna replied slowly, looking guilty. "I didn't know..."

She paused, giving Brittany a compassionate look. "I'm really sorry, you must be... - you must feel terrible" she finally said.

"It's okay" the other woman said, shrugging. Anna looked a little incredulous.

"I know it's often hard in relationships to deal with... well... such _things_" she mumbled. "How is she doing?"

Brittany raised an eyebrow, not really understanding why their breakup seemed to be such a big deal to her co-worker.

"Um... I don't know... she seems okay. She's in a relationship with someone else."

"Oh, I see..." Anna replied slowly, apparently worried to hit dangerous ground. "Well... if you see her, tell her she can come in any time, and send her my best wishes."

Brittany's frown only deepened but she nodded. "I will."

She grabbed a broom, attempting to clean up the hair around the chair where her client had sat only minutes ago, when the small glass door swung open and Amber came into the salon, carrying a huge tray that was covered with aluminium foil.

"Hey baby" she greeted the blonde happily, balancing the tray on one arm to hug her girlfriend with the other, positioning a kiss on her cheek. "You done yet?"

Brittany smiled and nodded, rubbing Amber's back. "Almost. Just cleaning that up. How are you?"

"I'm good. I brought us some canapés from work. Made sure to save you some of your favorite shrimp cocktails" she said, smiling proudly. "Thought we could take them to my place - or yours, however you like - and pop in a movie?"

"Sounds good" Brittany nodded, putting scissors and combs back into the shelf. She grabbed her jacket and put it on, quickly hugging Anna goodbye.

They left the salon, Amber's arm wrapped around her girlfriend's waist as she leaned her head against Brittany's shoulder.

"And how was your day? Anything special happened?"

Brittany thought back to Santana. Then she looked at Amber, the woman she had grown to like - maybe even love - more and more each day in those past months. She really wasn't a friend of lying. She sighed.

"Actually... yes. I'll tell you over dinner okay?"

Amber looked slightly concerned, studying her girlfriend's face.

"Okay" she finally said. "Tell me everything."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Santana wasn't even blinking anymore when the long needle slowly disappeared inside of her arm. She stared at the wall in front of her while Loredana took her blood sample, her mind occupied otherwise.

Loredana wasn't much older than Santana, maybe a couple of years. She gave the other woman a concerned look, sensing that something was odd. The two of them had spent quite some time together in the past year and the young doctor had felt attached to the Latina right from the beginning. Of course people at med school told you not to get emotionally involved when treating clients, but that was easier said than done once you got to know someone and had to break the news to them that they might not have much longer to live. Especially when said person was still so young.

"How are you feeling?" the short, dark-haired doctor asked her and Santana kept staring.

"Like shit, honestly" she told her, not meeting Loredana's eyes. The room felt suffocating. The dark green carpet, the shelf with countless medical books in it. Loredana sighed.

"I'm going to send those to the lab" she told her, carefully pulling the needle out and putting a cotton ball on the slightly bleeding spot. "If everything's fine we can start the next round very soon."

Santana's expression was empty when she turned her head around to look at the other woman.

"I don't want another chemo" she stated, causing Loredana's eyes to widen.

"What are you talking about? What do you mean you don't want? It's not a matter of wanting, San. It is important..."

Santana chuckled ironically.

"I'm done with it, Lory. Seriously." She grabbed her hair and tugged on it, removing her wig.

"You see this?" she told her. "My hair. It's gotten longer again. It's almost covering my ears again. I'm slowly getting back to my old self. I was at the hairdresser today, I wanted to ask for a new one, a slightly different one. But then I thought, for what, you know? It's pointless."

"San..." the doctor tried to interrupt her but Santana waved her off.

"If I get a chance to feel normal again for the last days, then I want to take it. I don't want to go through all this shit again just so you can tell me a few weeks later that there are new metastases everywhere. It's a fucking joke. I'm so done with it."

Loredana closed her eyes for a second in defeat, letting out a deep breath.

"Santana, where is this coming from? You're so mixed up today. I haven't seen you this messed up since..."

She paused when Santana looked the other way and she knew her assumptions weren't wrong.

"Are you talking to her again?" the woman queried but Santana remained silent.

"How? When? Where?" the doctor went on.

Santana looked down on her lap, toying with her fingernails.

"She's working at the salon."

Loredana nodded as if she understood. "Did you tell her?"

Santana looked at her with raised eyebrows, shaking her head as if the other woman were insane. "No, I certianly did not tell her. And I'm not going to."

"You should" the doctor stated matter-of-factly, letting her hand rest on the brunette's shoulder. "You know you should."

"That's what you told me the last time" Santana replied, rolling her eyes.

"Yes and I'll tell you over and over again. You should have listened to me back then. You've been feeling miserable. Before _and_ after you broke up, it didn't make it better for you at all."

"It wasnt supposed to make it better for _me_ it was supposed to make it better for _her_" Santana half yelled, close to losing her temper.

Loredana shook her head. "Santana, this logic, it's... oh my... she's going to find out anyway, sooner or later."

"Yes, when she reads about my death in the newspaper."

"San!" the woman exclaimed, bringing her hands to her head.

"What?"

A long silence followed.

"Okay, so what, San" Loredana finally continued, looking almost angry herself by now. "Even if I don't want to think about it that way, let's talk hypothetically here... so she reads about your death, what then? Do you have any idea how that's gonna make her feel? That you completely shut her off? She's going to think that you didn't trust her. That you'd rather deal with all of this alone instead of having her by her side..."

"I wrote her a letter for that case. She will get it then. It will explain everything" Santana said slowly, her voice numb again.

Loredana couldn't stop shaking her head at the way her patient - her _friend _- acted.

"I think you're punishing yourself with this act... Though I don't know for what. But why would you listen to me. I'm just your doctor, not your therapist or your confessor, right?" she huffed.

"Right..." Santana replied in a bitter voice. Loredana sighed.

"So... are you going to meet her or what?"

Santana nodded. "One last time..." she paused. "To say goodbye."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When Santana got to their old favorite café downtown, Brittany was already sitting at a small table in the corner of the room. Her blonde hair was wavy, hanging loosely around her shoulders, shimmering in the dim light of the lamp above her. She seemed lost in thoughts, drawing circles with her index finger on a napkin. She looked so innocent and beautiful, it broke Santana's heart.

When Brittany looked up and their eyes met, the blonde smiled warmly and Santana returned the smile. She walked over to the table and they hugged, briefly, before Santana sat down across from her.

"I havent ordered yet... because I wasn't sure you'd actually show up" Brittany said shyly.

"Can't blame you for that" Santana mumbled.

When the waiter came by, both of them ordered a hot cocoa with marshmallows and Brittany giggled happily when she could take her first sip, soon having a small chocolate frame around her lips.

"So... tell me... what have you been up to these past months?"

Santana had expected that question and prepared a bunch of excuses for this case.

"I've tried to change my life a little bit... Tried to live a little healthier, to see things, to travel..."

She tried to analyze Brittany's expression. The blonde smiled but her eyes seemed empty, with a hint of sadness. What was she telling her? It probably sounded like "oh when you were gone I started enjoying my life and travelling the world, all those things that I couldn't do with you."

But what sh1ould she tell her? "I've been through chemo. Still I've got metastases everywhere. Some days I've been too weak to leave the house and the meds made me throw up all of the time. I tried to mentally prepare myself that I'm gonna die. I went through hell. I missed you every single fucking day."

Yeah, that would have been accurate.

"I'm glad to hear you had a good time. What places did you visit?"

Doctor's offices. Hospitals. Therapists.

"I've been to Europe. Paris. Barcelona. Very pretty."

Brittany smiled.

"I still want to see Paris. Is the Eiffel Tower really leaning to one side?"

"No, that's the one in Pisa" Santana explained, but it didn't sound lecturing. In fact it made her smile. She would have loved to have seen all of these places with Brittany.

"Oh." Brittany replied, blushing. "I always confuse France and Spain"

Santana grinned and nodded. "Me too."

"So Loredana has been with you?"

Yes. During chemo. During CTs. During my nervous breakdown.

"Yeah, we visited her family in Italy. Beautiful landscape down there."

These lies were ridiculous.

"How did you meet your girlfriend? What was her name again?" Santana wanted to know, finally changing the subject.

"Amber" Brittany smiled. "Met her at the salon. But we didn't travel anywhere. At least not yet. She's often at work, she has to cater events and stuff. She's an awesome cook, always brings home leftovers. It's nice."

"Sweet."

This conversation was awkward.

Brittany seemed to sense that Santana felt uncomfortable and reached out over the table to capture the Latina's hand with her own.

"I'm glad we are finally talking again" she told her. "I have to say... I was really sad that you cheated on me... but I'm not mad anymore. If this is what you needed to be happy, then I'm okay with that. I wasn't at first but I am now" she said, emphasizing her words with a nod.

"You're special, Santana and I hated not having you in my life. We used to be so close. Not only when we were dating, also all these years before that, you know? We were a team. Losing that really hurt me, I didn't feel complete."

Santana nodded, feeling her hand get sweaty where Brittany touched it, feeling the tears swell up again that she definitely could not let the other woman see.

"Remember when we were in high school?" Brittany continued, smiling. "You always protected me. From Sue, or when the other kids picked on me for being stupid. Or that one time when Jacob tried to grope my ass? You've always been there for me, always made me feel safe. When I think back to all this it still makes me smile, you know? We were best friends. Don't you think we can go back to that? I mean, not now, not right away, but... slowly? Maybe?"

Her voice sounded hopeful and Santana realized she was still that little girl she had always known. Still the same Brittany whom she had fallen for a long long time ago. The girl she'd always wanted to protect because she was just too trusting and gullible for her own good, always seeing the best in people. She couldn't stand the thought that people would take advantage of that. She sure as hell hoped this Amber chick treated her well. She might be weak, but she'd still kick that woman's ass if she had to.

"I don't know..." Santana said after a while, carefully trying to remove her hand from underneath Brittany's. "But... I missed you too."

She knew it was probably wrong to say this, that it wouldn't help her get out of this situation, but it was a truth she couldn't deny.

"Would you want to see me again?" Brittany finally asked. "I mean, you could bring Lory. Oh, that would be totally awesome, a double date. You meet Amber, I'm sure you'll like her, and I'll meet Lory and we'll do something fun, like, I don't know, miniature golf? Sounds fun?"

Brittany's eyes were glowing and she clapped her hands together in excitement. Santana mentally cursed herself for ever having considered this could work out.

"Please San, say yes!" Brittany tried to encourage her ex, giving the brunette her best puppy dog eyes.

Santana knew she shouldn't have agreed to any of this. She shouldn't have walked into this salon. Where would this stop? When? How? One meeting would be turning into two meetings, then three, then what? They'd become best friends again? Brittany wouldn't just let go after another 'date', Santana knew the blonde too well. And how was this supposed to work? She wasn't even dating anyone, especially not her doctor.

"Just once" Brittany continued. "If Lory doesn't like me or Amber then we don't have to repeat it. Though I'm sure that won't happen."

Yes, great. She would agree to seeing her again and then she would not only have to live with the fact that she had lied to her and that she would have to deal with spending time with her again, she would also have to deal with seeing Brittany with another woman. She'd somehow have to convince her she was in a longterm relationship. She was running into a dead end. No way could she agree to this. No way she would say yes. She would come up with an excuse now. She'd be as honest as possible, tell her that she couldn't do it, tell her that she didn't want it. Yep, she would say no.

"San?" Brittany asked carefully, looking a little sad.

"Yeah... yes, okay."

Okay? Santana mentally threw her hands up in the air to tear at her fake hair. Even after all this time Santana was still whipped. She couldn't believe herself.

"Awesome" Brittany exclaimed happily, biting her fist to keep herself from grinning even wider.

"Awesome..." Santana echoed, trying to sound at least a little cheerful.

She stared at the woman in front of her who was emptying her cocoa, looking so happy and relieved. She dug in her bag to grab her cell, opening her text app. She quickly clicked on Loredana's name in the contact list and typed the message, shaking her head at herself.

'_I need your help...'_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm terribly sorry for being so slow with all of my updates. Uni & writer's block & no inspiration. I'll try to work a little faster again though ;) (oh and the chapter is twice as long as the others)**

**Need to thank sinanna (again!) and honeyfigsanddarkchocolate for helping me with their awesome beta skills. Also thanks for always motivating me and kicking my ass a little =) (oh and Cat, if you read this, you also always kick my ass, so thanks ;D)**

**Chapter 3**

"No way!" Loredana said in a strict voice, holding her hands up defensively. "No way I'm going to pretend to be your girlfriend. Not only because I'm your doctor, San, mainly because I will not encourage your lies. Nope."

"Lory, come on. I'm begging you here, okay? What am I supposed to do? Seriously, I need you to do this for me" Santana pleaded desperately, shaking her head at the fact that she had gotten herself into this entirely messed up situation in the first place.

"I'll tell you what to do - you'll call Brittany, tell her that you changed your mind and that you wanna talk to her. Alone." The young doctor looked Santana straight in the eyes. "And then you'll meet somewhere quiet and you'll explain everything. And you'll see she'll understand and you can finally be honest with her."

Santana kept shaking her head.

"I thought I could count on you..." she mumbled through clenched teeth, her mind racing. People were obviously right when they said lying always got you into trouble. But it had worked out for so long. For over a year. She wasn't going to let it all blow up now.

She grabbed her phone, flipping through her contact list. She needed a female person who was desperate enough to play her date. Someone she could pay. Someone Brittany didn't know.

Santana got up from her chair, not even looking at Loredana as she was heading to the door.

"Santana, what are you doing?"

The other woman still had her eyes fixed on her phone's display as she grabbed the doorknob, not bothering to answer the other woman's question.

"Santana, seriously, don't make this more complicated than it already is. And do me a favour and stop stressing yourself so much, you need to get some rest, I don't like seeing you so - "

The door was shut before Loredana had a chance to finish her sentence. Santana was running down the stairs, already sending out texts to random ex-co workers, cursing the fact that she and Brittany had been so close, they basically knew all the same people.

The more she thought about it, the more she realized she was running into a dead end. It was ridiculous. It was mean.

She had told many white (and not so white) lies in her life, mostly for her own advantage, but this was bad, even for her. What had started out as a plan to protect the woman she loved was turning into a massive act that'd be impossible to keep alive forever. But why didn't she simply cancel? Why couldn't she call her, tell her she was sorry, tell her they should stop seeing each other? She had typed the text five times and deleted it. Five times she had tried to hit the damn send-button and tell her ex that it wasn't going to work out, yet she had always been unable to do so.

The truth was Santana had felt alive again for the first time and it terrified her. Brittany reminded her of the time when her life was still perfect. When her life was everything she ever could have hoped for.

Now, that her life had started falling into pieces and was slowly slipping out of her own hands, seeing Brittany had turned her world upside down. She had wanted to be selfless. The selfless lover, sparing her girlfriend the pain of losing her. It had made total sense. But selfless had turned into selfish, the selfish need to cling to the feeling she had gotten in that damn café. The feeling of being surrounded by the person she still loved, of being near her in a time when her whole existence felt entirely dark and senseless. Life was fucked up. She hated it.

Then again - what if something like fate existed? What if it had been her goddamn fate to run into Brittany in that salon? Maybe someone was sending her a sign, trying to tell her she'd been foolish for trying to get through this on her own?

No. Fate could go screw itself. It had made her sick in the first place. Fate was a bitch.

Santana let herself rest on some bench in a nearby park, feeling physically exhausted. She was watching a few children play hide and seek as their mothers were sitting together, chatting about their insignificant problems like housework or chicken pocks at school. She stared at the scenery in front of her and for the first time had to realize that there was probably no way out of this. It was either telling Brittany the truth or shutting her out of her life once and for all.

She felt so fucking helpless, the feeling was eating her. She hadn't allowed herself to get too upset about their recent encounter, had trusted her ability to handle the situation. Now that the date wasn't going to happen, there was nothing to look forward to anymore. She'd have to go back to this emptiness and the thought was awful. She had been so used to it, so used to pretending she was okay without her. Why did Brittany have to remind her that she wasn't okay at all?

For the first time since their meeting, tears were running down her cheeks, hot and fast. Santana was making a fist, her fingernails digging into her own flesh. She was angry, angry at her life, angry with Loredana, angry with Brittany, angry at her own body, her weakness. She was fucking angry at those stupid women over there who were watching their children. Santana was aware that she had no right to feel this way, but she couldn't help it.

This could be she and Brittany. She would have been a kickass mother. Strict but loving. And Brittany would have been an even better mother. Hell, Brittany was going to _be_ a great mother. Only with someone else's baby and not Santana's.

Her cheeks were completely wet by now and she winced in surprise when an elderly woman that she hadn't noticed before suddenly touched her shoulder.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" she asked with a raspy voice, her hair gray, her face wrinkly. Santana couldn't help but think that she herself would never look like this.

"Can I help you somehow?"

Santana wiped away her tears forcefully, shaking her head.

"No" she brought out, clearing her throat. "No thanks, but unless you're my fairy godmother and grant me three wishes I guess there's nothing you can do for me..."

The old lady gave her a compassionate smile, petting her shoulder.

"You know... sometimes it seems as if everything's going wrong, honey. As if there'll never be a way out of our problems... but we should never give up. Even in the darkest times, there's still hope" she told the younger woman. "And sometimes, when we least expect it, the happy times are waiting right around the corner." She smiled again.

Santana sniffled, blowing her nose with a tissue the older stranger had handed to her.

"It doesn't look like it" she sobbed. "It really doesn't look like it."

The woman sat down next to her, toying with the golden amulet she was wearing around her neck.

"Oh honey, you're far too young to be so desperate. Also far too pretty to look so concerned."

Santana let out an ironic laugh.

"You know, sometimes, when I feel a little sad, or when I'm missing my husband, I try to remember what makes me happy. I try to live every day as if it were my last. That doesn't mean I have to do special things, I simply do what makes me feel better in that moment, go for a walk, have breakfast on my porch, call an old friend..."

The Latina felt like telling the woman to shut up, like telling her that she had no idea what she was talking about, but she didn't want to be rude so she remained silent.

"I'm sure you have a lot of good friends. Call one of them. Do you have a boyfriend? I'm sure such a pretty young lady has the boys waiting in line on her doorstep..."

Santana had to roll her eyes.

"You know, I'm really not in the mood to talk. I'm really sorry, but things are more complicated than this. Not that I'd expect you to understand. I should get going..."

The woman nodded as Santana got up from the bench.

"I hope everything will be better soon. Try to appreciate the little things" the woman advised her and Santana nodded again, bringing out the closest thing to a smile that she could manage.

"Will do" she said as she continued her walk, leaving the park with fast steps.

Just as she had walked around the corner, heading back home, her phone suddenly vibrated. Maggie, her slightly annoying co-worker from the time when Santana had still been able to have a real job. She opened the text, reading the words that suddenly made her feel a little excited again. She read it once more, to make sure she wasn't imagining things, but the message remained the same.

_"Perfect, I really need the cash. Count me in."_

xxxxxxxx

Brittany was leaning against her girlfriend in the bathtub, enjoying the warm water, picking up some foam with her right hand to blow the bubbles through the bathroom. Her left hand occasionally dipped the small rubber duck under the surface of the water as Amber was massaging Brittany's shoulders and peppering soft kisses along her neck.

"How do you feel about the whole double date thing? Honestly?" she asked Brittany, her fingers easily moving along the wet skin. "What do you know about Santana's girlfriend anyway?"

Brittany sighed at the pleasant feeling of Amber's touch, sinking a little deeper in the tub as she tried to come up with an honest answer.

"I don't really know anything about her..." she said, frowning. "I know she's Italian. That she introduced San to her family in Europe... no idea. I suppose she's very pretty, too."

"Don't you think it will be weird?" Amber asked, sounding concerned. "I mean, she's the woman Santana cheated with after all... I don't mean to sound judging Brit, like, I don't want you to think that this makes me uncomfortable or anything because I'm fine with it... I just don't want you to get hurt, that it brings back bad memories..."

Brittany reached for Amber's hand, wrapping her girlfriend's arm around her body as she kissed her fingertips in the process. "I know, I've thought about it, too. But it's like... she's been my best friend you know? My best friend since I can remember. We've been inseparable since I was six years old. That's more important to me than the fact that our relationship didn't work out, you know?"

"I understand..." Amber said slowly, letting her chin rest on Brittany's shoulder. "And if it gets too weird, we can still leave, right?"

"Right" Brittany smiled.

"Do you think she's changed? Santana?"

Brittany had to think about that question for a while. Something had definitely been different.

"She seemed... more... mature?" the blonde finally replied, though it was more of a question than a statement. "I don't know, it's weird, but there's something about the way she talks, the way she acts, that's more... serious. She used to be very outgoing when we were younger. Always having the last word, always telling people what she thought of them, even if they didn't wanna hear it. She was so energetic, drawing all attention to herself when she entered the room... I think she must have grown up a lot. When she enters the room now, she suddenly looks a lot... smaller."

It was hard to put into words what she had felt when watching her ex-girlfriend. It had been a different Santana, though that didn't neccessarily mean anything bad. Her hair had been different,too.

Amber swallowed hard before opening her mouth again. She seemed to try to hold herself back from speaking out the question, but it slipped out anyway.

"Brit, are you over her?" she asked so quickly that it was barely understandable. The question must have bugged her since the day her girlfriend had told her about the encounter at the salon. "I'm sorry, I just..." she mumbled, glad Brittany was sitting in front of her and couldn't see her face.

"Honey..." Brittany said softly. "Of course I'm over her. I mean, I love her, I do. But as I said, I love her as the person who's been so important to me my whole life, not as the person I wanna date. She broke my trust, but I know she's a good person at heart, a good friend. But I wanna be with you, okay?" she paused. "Just you."

She turned her head around to look at the other blonde and smiled, placing a kiss on Amber's lips.

Amber smiled back.

"Okay..." she said. "I guess I just needed to hear that."

xxxxxxxx

"All right, repeat it again" Santana ordered, staring at the pale redhead in front of her.

Maggie rolled her eyes.

"My name is Loredana Valentini, I'm from Orbetello, a pretty Italian city, one hour drive from Rome. I have an older and a younger sister and I'm a doctor. In my freetime I like to go jogging and I play tennis..."

"What's your favorite movie?"

"Is it really that important?" Maggie asked slightly annoyed, her eyes scanning the long handwritten list of things she was supposed to remember.

"Am I paying you for this or not?" Santana hissed back.

"Yes, geez, chill... my favorite movie is 'Letters to Juliet', my favorite singer is Tina Turner..." she paused. "Do you seriously think anyone's gonna buy that I'm Italian? Have you looked at me?"

Santana glared at her.

"You better make them believe it!"

Frowning, Maggie pushed the piece of paper aside and leaned herself over the table, coming closer to Santana.

"All this trouble because you don't wanna tell your ex that you're sick? To protect her? What are you, some kind of nut? Isn't that all a little... exaggerated?"

Santana had to use all of her willpower not to kick the other woman out. She had never really liked Maggie but she knew she had to at least _try_to play nice if she wanted this date to happen and the redhead was her last chance.

"Listen to me, Ginger. Stop your smartass remarks and play along. Understand? I have my reasons and I swear, if you screw this up, if you tell her anything, I'll kick your ass!"

"Okay, okay... so what exactly are we doing anyway? Go out for dinner? Do I have to kiss you?" the redhead replied, frowning.

Santana realized she hadn't thought of the fact that they'd have to try to seem intimate around each other. The thought of being all touchy with Maggie was a total turn-off.

"We're gonna play miniature golf... and we'll keep the kiss and touching level low..."

"Great."

"Great."

Santana forced out a smile and stood up, pushing the list against the other woman's chest.

"Have this memorized by tomorrow. "

With that she gave Maggie a push towards the front door, glad when she was finally out of the apartment. She closed her eyes and let out a deep breath, walking over to the kitchen counter to take her medication. Swallowing the pills, Santana wondered how many wrong choices she had made in her life. If she was making herself go through so much trouble to be around Brittany again, why had she left her in the first place? Why had she wasted a whole year?

Her hands were shaking as she walked over to her bed, her breath short as she pulled the blanket over her body and stared at the ceiling. Thinking about all this made her head spin and she felt light-headed. She should sleep. She'd worry about the rest tomorrow.

xxxxxx

Brittany and Amber were already waiting in front of the miniature golf course when Santana and Maggie got out of the red head's old and rusty VW Polo. Santana's eyes widened at the sight of the two blondes standing next to each other, hating the fact that Amber looked so damn flawless. The couple hadn't noticed them yet as they were still too busy giggling about whatever silly joke Brittany had just made.

Santana could feel her motivation slowly disappear, yet she was willing to get through this date. It occured to her that she had underestimated the effect it might have on her to see Brittany with someone else and it scared her that it already made her feel this way before they had said hello to each other. It reminded her of the time back in high school when she had to torture herself watching Brittany being all touchy feely with Artie. The thought still made her want to throw up. She wanted her ex-girlfriend to be happy, but as long as she was still alive, this was _her_Brittany. Seeing her with someone else, especially with another woman who apparently made her laugh and smile, wasn't what Santana had wanted to put herself through.

When she noticed Brittany looking over to them, smiling and waving excitedly, Santana quickly grabbed Maggie's hand who was busy trying to kick the Polo's slightly deformed door close. They walked over to the other couple, hands still entwined, and Santana forced herself to smile, unsure whether to hug Brittany or go for a simple handshake.

Brittany made the decision for her by wrapping her arms around Santana's thin body. The hug was longer than she had expected and Santana noticed her ex was still wearing the same perfume. She loved the smell and it brought tons of memories to her mind that she couldn't hold back. Their bathroom had smelled like this every morning when Santana had entered it. Brittany was usually already showered, dressed and preparing breakfast when she herself had grumpily climbed out of the warm shelter of her bed. Yet, all anger used to be forgotten at the sight - and smell - of her gorgeous girlfriend making a mess of their kitchen.

When she finally let go of the embrace, Brittany turned to Maggie, her smile friendly but less warm than only seconds ago.

"Hi" she said, holding out her hand for the other woman to shake it. "You must be Loredana. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too" Maggie replied politely. "Santana's told me all about you, good to finally put a face to all the stories."

In the meantime, Santana was awkwardly stepping from one foot to the other, looking at Amber who was frowning at the scene in front of her. Santana could almost see the wheels turning in the other woman's head and she wondered if Amber was smarter than she had wanted to give her credit for. Santana figured she was acting paranoid but part of her was sure that Amber would be able to put one and one together at some point.

She was only dragged out of her thoughts when Amber finally stepped closer to greet her.

"Santana" she said, friendly but yet distant. She was biting her lip, apparently deliberating her next words. "I've certainly heard a lot about you as well..."

Santana didn't miss the tone in the other woman's words and she couldn't deny that it made her angry. Who did she think she was? Brittany's big protector? She squeezed Amber's hand a little harder than neccessary.

"Sooo, let's get the clubs?" Maggie finally asked when everyone had been introduced and the four of them made their way over to the old lady sitting behind the counter. She handed them the clubs, a scorecard with a pen and a little basket with four golfballs in different colors.

"Here, I guess you want the blue one?" Santana said smiling, handing Brittany the small blue ball who took it happily, nodding in excitement.

"Can I start?" Brittany asked, storming over to the first course where they only had to play the ball around a corner to get it into the hole.

"Sure babe, start" Amber said, giving her a playful clap on her butt. Santana felt herself grip her club a little harder.

Brittany positioned herself in front of the course, focusing on the hole as she was frowning and sticking out her tongue in concentration.

The other women waited patiently while Amber was eyeing Maggie closely, giving her a side glance.

"I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you don't really look Italian..." she said slowly, causing Santana to cough.

"That's what I hear all the time..." Maggie replied, rolling her eyes. "My grandfather was Scottish, you know?" She smiled. "Damn those recessive genes..."

_Good._Santana thought to herself. They had practiced that scenario often enough.

"Mmmhh..." Amber nodded, raising her eyebrows.

"And what kind of doctor are you?" she continued asking, Brittany's ball not even close to the hole as she repeatedly batted it against the wall, groaning in frustration.

"Oh, one for the sick people" Maggie responded casually.

Brittany's eyes widened, looking up from her ball. "Well, those are especially important" she replied, nodding.

Santana couldn't believer her ears. She cleared her throat before bursting into a fake laughter, petting her equally fake girlfriend's hand. "Haha, you're so funny, dear."

When Brittany's ball had finally found its way into the hole, Santana quickly grabbed the red one out of its basket and started playing.

They were slowly making their way through the 18 different courses, each one getting a little more tricky. Amber kept questioning Maggie and Santana couldn't help but think that this all felt like some interrogation in court rather than a casual date. Brittany never managed to finish a course with less than ten tries but everyone chose to ignore the rules at the sight of the woman's sad and pouty face.

"I'm not the best putter..." she stated slowly as she was looking at their scorecard and Santana let her hand rest on Brittany's shoulder.

"You're doing fine" she reassured her, smiling. "We all suck at this."

She could see Amber glare at her from the corner of her eyes but chose to ignore it. She was highly aware that this contest wasn't about miniature golf anymore.

It was Santana's turn again and she could feel the exhaustion kicking in. It may not have been the most active sport, yet she wasn't used to being on her feet for so long anymore, constantly having to kneel down to grab the ball or using all her strength for the courses that required more forceful batting. She could feel cold sweat on her forehead, her vision a little blurry as her hands were shaking, trying to keep the club straight.

She stumbled a step backwards, right into Maggie who managed to catch her.

"You okay?" she asked concerned. Santana nodded.

"I don't wanna have to call the ambulance, you fainting was not part of the deal" she whispered into Santana's ear so that the others couldn't hear her and Santana pushed her away, annoyed.

"I'm _fine_" she hissed, finishing her game as she was taking another deep breath. She didn't dare looking at Brittany, though she could almost feel her ex-girlfriend's eyes burning holes into her back.

Santana tried focusing on the red ball but she could see two - no - three of them, and it was hard to make out which was the real one. She tried batting but missed, feeling herself grow impatient. Her breathing was getting shorter and little black dots were dancing in front of her eyes. Heat wave after heat wave was rushing through her body and she pushed down the need to rip off her suddenly terribly tight clothes.

_Just__breathe_she told herself. She wouldn't allow herself to faint. Not in front of Brittany.

Her legs were shaking and her head was spinning, the voices that surrounded her suddenly sounding so far away, as if there were cotton candy in her ears.

"I... I think I need to sit down for a moment..." she managed to say, stumbling over to the nearest bench, letting herself sink down on top of it.

Brittany was next to her in an instant, dropping her club on the floor.

"San, are you all right?" she asked, petting the other woman's back.

"I... yeah... I guess I didn't drink enough... you know how easily I deydrate..."

Santana wasn't sure that she had ever dehydrated in the time her and Brittany had been dating but it seemed like a logical explanation.

"Hon, please get San some water and a candybar, ok?" Brittany said, looking at Amber who frowned but quickly made her way over to the little shop.

Maggie sat down at the other side of the bench, twirling her red locks around her finger.

"Don't get me wrong, but I think it's time to call it a day..." she stated, not really bothering to make sure her 'girlfriend' was okay.

Brittany didn't stop stroking Santana's back, not until her girlfriend arrived with water and chocolate.

"Here, drink that" she said, opening the bottle for Santana whose hand was still shaking as she brought it to her lips. Brittany quickly unwrapped the Snickers.

"And eat this, sugar will help."

Brittany frowned, looking over to Maggie who still didn't show any interest in the situation. Amber followed Brittany's gaze, clearing her throat.

"I thought you were a doctor, shouldn't you help your girlfriend?" Amber asked, not able to hide the judgment in her voice. "One might think you'd know what to do in such situations..."

Usually Santana would have gotten insecure at hearing the other woman's suspicious tone, but she felt too weak to care. All she wanted was to go home and lie down. Go home and lie down, with Brittany next to her who'd keep stroking her back. And her hair. And kiss her forehead.

She shook her head, trying to get rid of these thoughts, these feelings. She grabbed Brittany's arm and softly pushed her hand away from her, not meeting her eyes.

"It'd be nice if you could take me home now, Lory..." she told Maggie and the other woman shrugged, getting up from the bench as she was fumbling for the car keys in her pocket. When she finally found them she held out her hand for Santana to take it and helped her off the bench.

Santana turned around once more, giving Brittany an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry..." she said. "But we were almost done anyway, right? And I didn't count the points, but I suppose you would have won."

"Of course she would..." Maggie said, rolling her eyes as she softly pushed Santana towards the exit. "It was nice meeting you both, enjoy the rest of the day."

"Yeah..." Brittany said, hesitating. "Feel better, San..."

Santana looked at her ex, then at the woman next to Brittany who gave Maggie and her a serious glare. She knew she wasn't going to feel better anytime soon. Rather worse. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to erase the image of Brittany's sad and concerned face out of her mind as she followed her fake girlfriend to her car. Sinking down in the not very comfortable seat, she let her head rest against the tiny window. What had she gotten herself into? Her body had showed her once again that this was a bad idea, that she couldn't hide behind this mask for too long. What would Brittany think? She had embarassed herself. Should she call her when she was home and apologize for ending the date so abruptly? Maybe send a text? Do nothing?

She looked over to Maggie who hummed along with the song that was playing on the radio, apparently deciding not to talk. But she needed to talk. She needed to fucking talk about this. She could call the real Loredana when she was home but all she'd get would be a big "I told you so", something she didn't need to hear.

When they finally arrived at Santana's apartment, Maggie cleared her throat.

"My money?" she asked, looking at Santana expectantly.

Santana had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep herself from yelling at the other woman. She knew she had no right to be angry, Maggie had played her part and done everything she had asked her to do. She owed her.

She fumbled for the money and threw it on Maggie's lap, getting out of the car without another word as she slammed the door shut. She headed straight to her bedroom, letting herself sink on the mattress, not bothering to remove her clothes. Her hands still shaking, Santana opened the drawer of her nightstand, digging for her medication. She swallowed it without blinking, adding two sleeping pills in the process. She could feel the knot in her throat, could feel the tears build up in her eyes, but she hoped the drugs would kick in too fast for her to care.

xxxxxxx

Hours later, Brittany still hadn't fallen asleep. She was staring holes into the ceiling, although the bedroom was barely illuminated enough to make out the ceiling in the first place.

Amber had dozen off a couple of times but whenever she opened her eyes, she found her girlfriend in the same position as before. Not asleep.

"Why are you torturing yourself?" Amber asked into the completely silent room, yet Brittany didn't wince.

"I'm not" Brittany quietly stated, her voice calm and serious.

"You are. It still hurts you. Even after all this time it hurts and I don't blame you, cause it's only natural... plus, we both know that something is truly odd here..."

Amber came closer to her girlfriend, taking her chin in her hand to make Brittany look at her. Green eyes were searching blue ones in the dark and Brittany let out a sigh.

"It's not odd. She's with someone else, these things happen, it's not -"

"That's not what I'm talking about, Brit" Amber interrupted her. ''It's not weird that she's dating someone else, it's weird that she's _pretending_to be dating someone else..."

Brittany had to frown, trying to study the other woman's face in the dark room.

"I don't know what you're talking about... you're really confusing..." she mumbled, pushing Amber's hand away, slowly but firmly.

"Babe..." Amber started again. "I don't know Santana like you do, but... she was really thin, Brit. Thin and pale and weak and shaky. Don't tell me she's always looked like this."

"She said she was dehydrating..." Brittany replied, shaking her head to herself.

"And 'Loredana'? I mean, seriously? The girl looked like Geri Halliwell... or maybe Lindsay Lohan... I'm not buying it."

Brittany couldn't help but notice that her girlfriend sounded upset. She also noticed that it was the first time she had seen her this way, more emotional than usual.

"Am... I don't know why you're getting so angry... it's none of our business anyway..."

"It became our buisness when you decided to go on dates with your ex again, Brittany" Amber replied immediately, her voice strict. "With your ex who cheated on you, lied to you, and who's clearly _still_ lying to you..."

Hearing those words, Brittany sat up in bed, turning on the lamp on her nightstand as she was glaring at Amber.

"You've gotta be joking. These are all empty assumptions, Am. This is making no sense. You'ew just running around, searching for stuff to criticise because it bothers you that I'm seeing her again. Then at least have the guts to tell me the truth!" Her voice was higher than usual, louder than usual. This was clearly their first real fight.

"Are you closing your eyes on purpose? It's not that hard to see the obvious, Brit, it's happening right in front of your nose. You could save yourself a lot of pain if you'd be willing to see people for who they really are instead of _always_searching for the good in them..."

"Are you calling me naive?" Brittany asked challenging and she was gripping the sheets beneath her a little harder.

Amber sighed, hard, knowing that this was dangerous ground.

"No, Brit, I'm worried okay? Have you looked at Loredana's car?"

"I liked it, there was a rainbow sticker on the backdoor..."

"Brit! It was an old VW Polo, probably built like two decades ago. Loredana is supposed to be a _doctor._Doctors have _money_. They can buy far better cars..."

Brittany got out of the bed, putting on her clothes, leaving Amber speechless.

"Where are you going, it's the middle of the night..."

"I'm tired of people treating me like I'm some child" the other woman explained, her voice unusually cold. "As if I couldn't make my own decisions. As if I weren't a grownup just like everybody else, able to decide who to trust, who to talk to. I'm tired of people telling me they just wanna protect me. Of telling me what's _best_for me. Of telling me who or what I deserve and what not. I can decide what's best for me, okay? And right now that would be sleeping in my own bed..."

Amber was aware that the little speech was not only connected to this particular situation. Not only about the way she had treated Brittany. She was scared to think more of it, scared to admit to herself how deep the wound of Brittany's and Santana's breakup must have been and how many unresolved emotions, fears and insecurities her girlfriend was still carrying inside of her. Yet she knew there was nothing she could to but to let Brittany go for the night.

"Brit, if I'm making this all up, then why did you lie there, sleepless, staring at the ceiling all night? If it was only some casual date? If this is only happening in my head?"

Amber's voice was much softer again, almost pleading. Almost asking her to stay.

Brittany paused at the door, turning her head to look at Amber but it was hard to read the expression on her face.

"I'm gonna call you tomorrow."

Amber nodded.

"Brit?" she asked, the other woman almost out of the door.

"Mmh?"

"I love you."

Her girlfriend's features softened and she brought out a little smile, then nodded slowly before finally leaving the room.

Amber sighed, still not believing that their perfect relationship had so quickly turned around and proceeded down such a rocky path. The events of the night didn't leave her thoughts and she refused to accept that she had acted paranoid and was only driven by jealousy.

Sure she was jealous, sure this wasn't easy, but Amber liked to think she was a rather mature person, able to tolerate a lot of things and situations. Usually her feelings didn't trick her like this.

She climbed out of bed, over to her desk where she opened her macbook.

"Hello Mister Google..." she told it, pouring herself a glass of wine.

Focusing on the searchbar she typed in the name of the person who had confused her the most during the night - Loredana Valentini.

"2.260.000 hits?" she mumbled in frustration, taking a sip of her wine. Her cursor went back to the searchbar and Amber added the word 'doctor'.

"2.392 hits, that's something to work with..." she said, scanning the page before finding the first link that looked promising.

"Let's see what we have here..."

xxxxx

tbc


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks Steph, for being the awesome English teacher that you are!**

**Chapter 4**

"I fucking knew it..." Amber mumbled, scrolling down the webpage she had been looking for all night. She knew she had been right all along. She had been convinced from the start that something was odd.

The woman who smiled at her from the screen was dark haired, had huge brown eyes, a friendly smile and was wearing a white doctor's overall. Same name. Same city. It had to be her.

Amber didn't really know what to do with the newfound information. She didn't really know Santana, didn't know this person she was looking at and had no idea why Santana would make up such lies in the first place – all she knew was that her girlfriend was being lied to. This was not acceptable. She would not accept this, would not let this person hurt Brittany twice.

She downed the last bits of wine in her glass, leaning back in her chair, and grabbed her phone.

"Believe me now?" was all she typed as she opened the text app. Then she added the link to Loredana's web profile to the message before pushing the send-button.

Amber sighed. She actually felt sorry for Brittany. Her girlfriend was simply too good for this world, she wished people would finally stop taking advantage of that.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Santana was sitting on the balcony, watching the sunrise, hugging her legs in front of her chest. She let her chin rest on her knees for support, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders to protect her from the cold autumn breeze.

She felt at peace in these moments. Felt somehow connected to the last bits of beauty in this world.

Not having to wear her wig in the mornings made her feel free. The wind brushing along the skin of her neck, sending goosebumps down her arms.

There weren't many things Santana felt were worth living for, but these quiet and beautiful moments were part of the rare exceptions. It made her want to do silly things. Things she used to do when she was little. Such as putting on her red rubber boots with the big white dots on them and running through the fallen leaves, jumping into puddles, collecting chestnuts to take them all home with her. Those were happy memories. Carefree. It would be nice to relive some of them, to feel some of that childish innocence.

Then, when she'd be exhausted from all the running and jumping and laughing, she'd come home and warm up, get rid of her soaked and muddy clothes, put on her most comfortable pajamas and make herself a hot cocoa with extra whipped cream. Maybe she'd bake muffins. The whole kitchen, even the living room, would smell like fresh baked dough. It'd smell like home.

She'd sit down with those muffins and watch cartoons. Some Donald Duck cartoons maybe, with Chip'n'Dale.

The thought made her smile and she wrapped the blanket closer around her body, hiding her face between her knees.

Santana didn't know if she was sad that she was going to leave this place. She figured that, once she'd be gone, it didn't matter anymore. She'd simply disappear and it would be okay. It was worse for the people who were left behind, much worse.

She had often tried to imagine how she would have felt if Brittany's and her situation had been reversed. How she'd deal with a life without Brittany, a life where she'd lose her girlfriend to some terrible disease. The thought alone had been almost too awful to take and Santana knew she was even stronger than Brittany. Brittany lived in a happy place. The world had always been beautiful in her eyes. Who was she to take that away from her?

Santana took a deep breath, inhaling the clear and fresh air to let it fill her lungs.

She was scared. Why was she still scared? That it'd hurt? To die? No. She wasn't scared of pain anymore, she'd experienced enough of that in the past months.

Maybe she was scared of being alone. Of leaving this world alone. She'd most likely not be alone. She'd probably have doctors with her. But this was something she'd be facing all by herself. She was scared of the moment when she'd know it'd be over. Time to say good bye. Scared of knowing it was time to let go, searching for a face she loved and finding none.

The thought made her tear up.

If she was honest with herself, she knew she could leave this world a little happier if Brittany's face was the last thing she saw. Those blue eyes that she trusted. Those tiny freckles on her nose. The loving look on her face that she had given her so many times, so pure and full of honesty. She knew it'd be easier to leave if she had Brittany's hand to hold.

But no. This was not going to happen. She needed to get herself together.

What was the point in all of this anyway? She was getting weaker every day and as weird as it was to admit it – she had given up. If another chemo could keep her alive for a few weeks longer, what would it change? It wouldn't change a damn thing about her situation. She wasn't strong enough to do the things she used to like, she had lost the woman she loved, why put herself through this miserable procedure again?

She had made her decision. She'd let her body decide when it was time to go and until then, she'd try to enjoy those peaceful mornings on her balcony and the wind in her hair.

She still had her memories, memories she could be thankful for, and those had to be enough.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Brittany had woken up to Amber's text. A text from Amber in the morning was nothing unusual, but this particular morning it made her feel uncomfortable in her stomach.

She had stared at Loredana's picture for quite a while, trying hard to find an explanation, to find any reason to still trust Santana, but it didn't quite work out. She needed to know. She couldn't just ignore this.

She would have let it go if it hadn't been her whole relationship with Santana that had depended on this person. This person who suddenly seemed to exist twice or not at all or - Brittany had no idea.

At first she had wanted to discuss the issue with Amber once more but somehow she knew she had to trust her instincts this time. She had to confront Santana, simply ask her about it, without any other person being involved in this.

Yes, even after all this time, this was between the two of them. A potential lie or excuse that had affected their relationship, so this was nobody else's concern. Before she had a chance to change her mind, Brittany grabbed her coat, phone still in hand, and headed to the place she once called home.

It was hard to stand in front of the entrance door again, after all this time. Somehow Brittany wondered why Santana hadn't moved out. Wasn't this what couples usually did after a breakup? Move into new, separate places to get rid of the many memories that were still lying in these walls?

How could Santana live her life with a new woman in the same rooms she had decorated with Brittany? In the same kitchen in which they had always cooked together? Probably have sex in the same bed in which they had made love to each other?

Maybe this had all been easier for Santana. Maybe removing some pictures from the wall had been enough for her. Maybe this was none of her business since Santana had paid for most of the apartment by herself anyhow. Brittany's job as a hairdresser had never earned her that much money so Santana had always taken over the biggest part of the rent without complaint. It was normal for her, never a problem or even a question.

She rang the bell, her hands shaking. The times when she used to have a key to this door were long over.

It was possible that Santana wasn't home, that she was still at work or busy with other things, but all she could do was try.

When there was no answer she rang a second time, then a third. She was about to leave when she suddenly heard the rustling sound of the duplex system.

"Who is it?" a rather weak voice asked through the speaker. Brittany figured Santana must have taken a nap as she sounded a little drowsy.

"It's me... Brittany" she said, suddenly not so sure anymore that this was such a good idea. What was she about to do once Santana - or if Santana - let her in? Confront her right away? She knew her ex-girlfriend well enough to say that she was most likely going to switch to her defensive mode. Even if Amber was right, even if the real Loredana was not the person she had met the other day, she suddenly doubted that Santana would just admit it like that.

There was a moment of silence before the rustling noise returned.

"What are you doing here, Brit?"

Brittany had to bite her lower lip, deliberating her next words.

"Can I come in?" she replied, hoping that talking face-to-face might make it easier for her.

Silence again.

"Give me a minute okay?"

"Sure..." Brittany responded slowly, though she was pretty sure Santana hadn't heard that anymore.

She waited, rubbing her arms over her jacket. It was a cold day, a typical autumn day, and she could already see her own breath in front of her face when she talked. Stepping from one foot to the other, three minutes felt like 30 and she was relieved when she finally heard the buzzing sound of the door being unlocked.

She stepped inside, wiping her shoes on the old doormat in the hallway. Still the same doormat, yet it looked a little dirtier than last year.

The door to the apartment was ajar, yet Santana didn't seem to wait at the entrance to greet her.

Entering the room felt like an uncomfortable path down memory lane. It felt like coming back home from a long vacation. The moment when you step inside a familiar building, take in its particular smell, and everything looks the same, yet everything feels different.

Santana had changed some pieces of furniture, changed the pictures on the wall. But this was still the carpet they had picked out together back in the day when they were shopping at IKEA. Still the same sofa. Still the same coffee stain she had once left on their armchair when Lord Tubbington had jumped on her lap. Poor old Lord Tubbington. She missed him.

"I'm still in the bathroom..." Santana's voice shook her out of her thoughts and Brittany nodded to herself, sitting down on the couch, nervously straightening her shirt.

She tried not to look around too much, tried not to take in too much of that familiar feeling. She was only here to get answers. Only here to clear things up. If Santana really lied to her, for some weird reason, then she could finally move on. She would accept that Santana had a problem being honest with her. She'd leave her alone and go back to her relationship. She'd apologize to Amber. Maybe she should have listened to her in the first place.

Then Santana came out, her old sweatpants hanging loosely around her legs. Brittany knew those sweatpants, they were Santana's favorite. Her Sunday pants, as she'd liked to call them, only it was Wednesday today. The white t-shirt seemed to be three sizes too large. Her arms looked thin. Like matchsticks.

"Why didn't you call first?" Santana asked confused, her voice still tired as she let herself sink down on the armchair at the other side of the living room table.

"Oh... I'm sorry..." she continued, "I didn't offer you anything to drink..."

"It's fine, I'm good" Brittany reassured her, wondering how on earth to start the conversation now.

"I'm sorry I didn't call, it's just... I was in the neighborhood and..." she sighed. "Are you lying to me, Santana?"

Now that was a start. A very direct start.

Santana's eyes widened at the other woman's words and she frowned, her already pale face losing its last few bits of color.

"Excuse me?" she replied slowly, looking around the room to avoid Brittany's gaze.

"I'm sorry to come on to you like this, it's probably stupid and probably nothing but..." she cleared her throat, trying to search Santana's eyes to make out her reaction.

"Santana, if you didn't wanna see me anymore, you could just have told me, you know? I wouldn't be mad. I managed to get over you, I'm not planning to stalk you or whatever, so there's really no need to lie..."

"Why am I hearing the word lie so often?" Santana replied harshly, looking offended. "Who said anything about lying, I don't even know what this is about..."

"It's just..." Brittany closed her eyes for a second to regain some confidence before grabbing her iPhone. She opened the browser with the link that Amber had sent her. The link that lead her to Loredana's webpage. To the picture of a woman who had the same name but certainly not the same face as the red head who had played miniature golf with them the day before.

She reached over the table to hand Santana the phone who took it and stared at the display.

"What... this..." she stuttered. "What are you trying to tell me? All I see is some person who happens to have the same name as my girlfriend. There are probably tons of people with the same name, I -"

"Please be honest with me..." Brittany interrupted her ex-girlfriend's nervous rambling, already feeling some tears well up in her eyes. She knew Santana. She knew Amber was right. She knew Santana was lying.

Santana's expression was serious. Cold even. She put the phone back on the table, getting up from her chair.

"I guess it's for the best if you leave now."

"Why?"

"Because I'm asking you to. Because I didn't invite you. Because you can't just show up here like that and accuse me of some shit. Because we're not together anymore. Because I'm trying to forget you!"

Santana's voice was angry. Hurt. Close to breaking.

Brittany got up from the couch as she stuffed the phone back into her jeans pocket, walking over to Santana to let a hand rest on the other woman's shoulder.

"I didn't mean to upset you... I just wanted to say that... if you feel like you can't be honest with me, if you feel like you don't want this and there are things you need to hide from me... if you maybe think you can't introduce your real girlfriend to me, or, I don't know, if you two broke up already and you didn't want to tell me, then - "

"You know nothing, Brittany! Nothing, okay? So shut up and stop trying to find answers that are impossible for you to find."

Brittany felt as if she had been slapped in the face. She stared at Santana, hurt mirroring in her eyes, hugging her bag tightly in front of her chest.

"What happened to you?" Brittany whispered, quickly brushing a tear away. "You used to be so honest. You once told me you just try to be honest with people, even if you think that they suck. So why can't you be honest with me? Why can't you just tell me that you think I suck and let me go?"

Santana looked up to her, looked her straight in the eyes, her vision blurry.

"Because you don't suck, Brit" she told her, her voice shaky. "Because you never sucked. Because you've always been the only fucking good thing in my life."

This time it was Brittany who broke eye-contact, looking down at the floor.

"Then why? I don't understand... please, I just... I don't understand..."

Brittany didn't want to sound so vulnerable. She didn't want to sound desperate.

Santana sighed, looking defeated.

"She's my doctor, Brit."

Brittany looked up again, puzzled. Something felt wrong. Something felt different. Something scared her.

"She's my doctor. Not my girlfriend. She never was."

"This makes no sense..." Brittany slowly replied, wondering if this was just her mind working too slowly again or if it really was confusing.

"Brittany, I'm... I'm sick, okay?"

Santana's hand was shaking as she spoke and she stepped away, still standing dangerously close to her ex.

"Sick? But... why sick? What's wrong? Do you have a flu? My mom knows about some great meds, I could -"

"It's no flu, Brit" Santana answered slowly, her voice softer again, as if part of her had given up. "The real Loredana is an oncologist..."

Brittany's mind went blank. Oncologist? What on earth was that? Damn her lack of general knowledge. Damn her confusion when it came to complicated words. Why wasn't she smarter than that?

"Onco... onco what?" she whispered, embarassed.

"A doctor for cancer patients..." Santana explained to her, still trying to hide her tears.

"You have... you... no" Brittany brought out. "No... I ... I don't understand. She never was your girlfriend? You lied to me?"

"Yeah..."

Brittany's mind was working fast, trying to put one and one together, trying to make sense of it all.

"Why...? Why? I ... Why would you? You're sick? How sick are you? You're gonna be okay again, right? It's gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine. Why the lies? Why did you say you dated her? You told me you didn't want kids with me, Santana. I understood that. I never wanted to pressure you.. I'm.. this is so confusing..."

"I did want kids with you..." Santana said, trying to fight against a sob, yet having to smile a little at the thought. "Two at least... maybe three..."

"You're making no fucking sense!" Brittany suddenly yelled. She hated using swear words but it was too damn hard to hold them back.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Why did you break up with me? Tell me!"

Santana stepped a little closer again until she was only inches apart. She seemed to collect her strength as she swallowed hard, looking at Brittany.

"Because I'm dying, Brit."

The words felt like a knife in Brittany's chest. It still didn't make any sense. Dying? What was she telling her here? This had to be a cruel fucking joke. This was not what she had expected to hear. She could have lived with a lot of things. She could have lived with some stupid excuse like 'I didn't want you to meet my real girlfriend because I'm jealous and didn't want her to hit on you'. She could have dealt with a lot of things, but this? No. Just no.

"You're lying again. This is not funny" Brittany said, her voice numb.

"I'm not lying, Brittany. For the first time in a long time I'm actually being honest with you."

She didn't try to hide the tears anymore that were now running down her cheeks.

"I'm dying and I've known for quite a while. And I wanted you to move on without me. I wanted you to live a happy life..."

"You... you..." Brittany growled, feeling how her face was turning red, heat flushing through her veins, to her cheeks.

"You're... you're actually telling me that you broke up with me because you were dying? What kind of messed up shit is this? No... no.." she cried. "No, you cannot die. You cannot die, Santana, no. There have to be ways... there have to be ways to make you okay again, no!"

"See...?" Santana said softly, smiling sadly. "This is why I didn't tell you. This is what I wanted to avoid. To make you go through this. To see this look on your face. To see you so scared. I didn't want this..."

Brittany was crying bitterly now, pushing Santana's hand away as she was trying to stroke her arm.

"You fucking broke up with me because you didn't trust me to be there for you..." she sobbed. "You fucking broke up with me even though you still loved me. And I loved you. With all my heart. Always have. And you just pushed me away and made me wonder what I'd done wrong. Made me feel guilty. Made me wonder every single night what I did to deserve this. If I was too stupid for you. If I failed you. You break up with me and don't tell me you're fucking dying!"

She was yelling again, not even recognizing herself anymore. She knew she had never felt this way before. She had been sad and had felt crushed when Lord Tubbington had died. She had felt desperate after her breakup with Santana. But this? She wasn't sure she was capable of feeling this much, of feeling this terrible.

"I could have been there for you, Santana. I would have been fucking there for you. We could have been together. You didn't even ask me! Didn't you think I had a right to know? We could have fucking been together and you just stole me a year of my life with you. You just took this away from me even though we loved each other. You're crazy, Santana. You're fucking crazy. I'm not the stupid one, you are!"

Brittany wasn't used to feeling so much rage nor being unable to control her own words.

Santana was looking down on the carpet again, silent.

"I'm sorry..."

"How much longer do you have?" Brittany sobbed in a high-pitched voice, terrified to hear the answer.

Santana swallowed.

"They can't really say... maybe a couple more months... maybe a year... I don't know."

Brittany felt her own fingernails dig hard into her flesh as she was making a fist.

"Why did you do this to me..." she whispered. "Why...?"

It wasn't a question that required an answer. There were no answers to any of this.

Santana was next to her again, grabbing her hand, squeezing it tightly.

"I never stopped loving you, Brit..." she told her when their eyes met again. It felt suffocating. As if there was no oxygen left in the room.

Then, before Brittany knew it, Santana's lips were on hers. She was pressing her softly against the wall behind them, both of their eyes pressed shut tightly, cheeks still wet.

They didn't move, not even their lips. They just stood there, pressed against each other, hearts beating fast.

For only a moment, Santana was with her again. Her Santana. Her skin. Her smell. So close to her. For only a second it felt like home. As if it could all be okay. As if this was just a fucking bad nightmare. As if the whole past year was just a stupid dream and when she opened her eyes, they'd be happy again. They'd be in their living room, about to cook dinner together. About to plan their future.

But Brittany knew, once she opened her eyes again, reality would hit her once more. Santana would still be sick. They'd still be broken up. Santana would still die. And she was still dating Amber.

Amber.

Brittany seemed to wake up from her daydream, softly pushing Santana away.

"I... I can't..." she whispered, her whole body feeling hot. "I... I have to go..."

Santana didn't say anything, didn't try to hold her back. She just stood there, watching Brittany run out the door.

Brittany ran along the streets, not even knowing where she was heading. She ran as fast as her feet would carry her, until she felt completely exhausted, bending over to catch her breath. She could feel her pulse hammering in her temples, could feel her chest closing up.

She looked around, saw cars driving along the streets. Saw people talking to each other, chatting about the weather. Saw kids on their bikes. Saw old couples taking their dogs out for a walk.

Life was still normal. Life was going on for everyone else. The whole city was entirely unaffected by what she had just found out. But for Brittany everything had changed. From one second to the next. A part of her felt as if it had died and she had no fucking idea how to handle it. No idea at all.

**A/N2: Oh my, lots of angst, forgive me. I know it's hard to take, but would still love to hear your thoughts. It will get better.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: A million thanks to my amazing beta Steph. You're great, thank you for putting so much work and thought into this, I really feel like I'm sharing this experience with you. I hope you like the final version!**

**To all the readers: your lovely comments are very inspiring! Also thanks to all the anonymous reviewers, sad that I can't reply to you individually.**

**Oh and also sorry for the delay - again! Being an adult and having responsibilities truly sucks. Hope you're still reading! Heart you!**

**Chapter 5**

As much as she wanted to, she couldn't pick up the phone. She knew she owed Amber an explanation and she wanted to tell her everything, but Brittany didn't feel as if she could talk about any of this yet. At least not with her. She couldn't put into words what she was feeling.

Betrayal, yes. Sadness, yes. Desperation, definitely.

She knew she loved Amber, but hearing these things from Santana... it changed everything. Brittany knew one thing for sure - she never would have broken up with Santana. She had always been sure that Santana was the person she loved most on this earth and she would have been there for her, through thick and thin. The fact that Santana still loved her, that she had never stopped loving her, it made everything entirely different.

But Santana was dying.

The love of her life was dying.

And she had lied to her.

There were no tears left, her eyes were dry, yet she couldn't stop sobbing. It was still hard to breathe, her body was still shaking, and her chest hurt. Her throat, too.

Whenever she had managed to calm down, whenever she had managed to empty her head a little, the thoughts kept coming back. Awful thoughts of Santana's funeral. Awful thoughts of a world in which Santana Lopez didn't exist anymore. Then it started all over again, the lack of oxygen, the need to throw up.

Part of her wanted to pack her bags, wanted to bang against Santana's door, wanted to beg her to be let in. She wanted to hug her and never let her go and snuggle up with her under the covers. They would just lie there and hug each other forever, until the very last day. They wouldn't leave the bed anymore, they'd just shut out the world completely and be around each other 24/7 to make up for this fucking year they had lost. Yes, part of Brittany wanted to forgive her right away.

But Brittany did not go back. The bad thoughts kept controlling her mind and all she wanted was to find a way to escape them, a way to get rid of a pain she had never experienced before in her life.

She had never been a fan of getting drunk to cope with her problems, had never used alcohol as a way to forget, but even Brittany had to admit that there was only so much a person could take in one day.

Brittany wasn't used to drinking so it didn't take her long to get to the state where the world started spinning. She had bought a bottle of tequila and sat down on a bench in a more quiet area, drinking until she knew she couldn't take another sip without having to throw up.

Her face felt warm, her ears were hot, her vision was blurry - but the pain remained. Why were people doing this? Why were they drinking when they felt bad? Brittany still felt bad, but now she also felt sick and dizzy.

Her hands were shaking and she wanted to get away from this place, suddenly scared of being alone.

She knew she could call her girlfriend, she knew she could take a cab home, but right now there was only one person who could truly be there for her.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Brittany knocked at the door of the house she had grown up in, but her arms were powerless. Her fingers were weak, making a fist hurt. She tried knocking again but the tequila made her feel as if her entire body were wrapped in cotton candy, everything was happening in slow-motion.

"Mom..." she whispered, occasional sobs still shaking her like hiccups, the alcohol making it hard to see. "Mom! ... Mom, please open the door, it's me..."

She could hear music from the inside, could hear her mother's singing voice. She was probably cleaning to Y.M.C.A again.

Brittany grabbed her phone once more, ignoring Amber's five missed calls as she dialed her mother's number with shaky fingers.

It took a while until the music in the house stopped playing and her mother answered the phone.

"Sweetie!" she greeted her daughter, her voice chipper. "How are you, darling?"

"Mom, I'm outside, please let me in..."

"Ohh, how nice, give me a sec..."

The door swung open only seconds later and the smile on Eliza Pierce's lips quickly faded as she saw her daughter standing in front of her, her eyes red and swollen, none of her usual happiness displayed on her features. Her breath smelled like liquor.

"What on earth happened, baby? Oh my god, did Amber cheat on you? I swear I'll kick her thin little ass. I might be almost 50 but I'm still in good shape, I can take a - "

"You're 53, mom..." Brittany slurred before the tears started running down her cheeks again.

"Details..." Eliza mumbled. She took a closer look at her daughter who had trouble standing straight as she supported herself against the doorframe. "You're dunk, aren't you?" she sighed. "C'mere..."

She dragged her daughter in for a hug, stroking her blonde hair as she kissed her forehead.

"What is it with you and your girlfriends? I don't understand it... don't they see how amazing you are?"

"Mom, it's not that... she didn't cheat on me..." Brittany mumbled, burying her face in her mother's sweater who slowly closed the entrance door behind them. "In fact, neither did Santana..."

Eliza frowned, softly pushing Brittany back to look at her face.

"What do you mean?" she queried, raising one eyebrow.

"Mom, it's... it's Santana... she's..."

More high-pitched sobs were escaping Brittany's mouth and she felt like a little child again. Like a little five year old girl who only wished for her mother to tell her that everything would be fine again. She wanted an adult to come and fix her crushed little world. Except that no five year old ever got drunk on tequila.

"I should have figured... ssshhh... I should have known that no other person on this planet would cause my daughter so much heartbreak... oh sweet baby. You're still not over her, are you? I think it's time for jimjams and some food to sober you up..."

Brittany nodded slowly. It was all she could do in that moment.

xxxxxxxxx

The phone was vibrating again when Brittany drowned its sounds with a pillow on the big soft sofa in her mother's living room.

"Are you sure you don't wanna pick up, honey? That's so unlike you... you know you have to tell Amber about this."

Eliza Pierce may have been a slightly off-beat person, judging by the way she looked at the world and its inhabitants. She may have had a crazy styling and in addition to that a weird excitement for pidgeons, but Eliza Pierce was also much like her daughter - emotionally and socially intelligent. She was the first person Brittany knew she could turn to whenever she was in trouble or feeling sad, her mother had always known what to do.

Telling her about everything had made the tight feeling in Brittany's stomach a little more bearable. Eliza had been there for her during the breakup from Santana and even at that time she had been suspicious. If her mother had felt the need to yell at Santana for breaking up with her precious daughter and causing her heartbreak, part of her had been sure that Santana Lopez loved Brittany more than anything in this world. She had looked behind the rough facade of her daughter's first real gilrfriend and she had known something was very odd.

"I want to tell her and I will. Of course I will. Just... right now it's hard because... because I don't know what to say to her..."

Brittany's mother nodded.

"You don't know if you still wanna be with her now that you know Santana still loves you..."

Brittany looked up to her mother, shaking her head.

"What? No... No, of course I wanna be with her, I love her, mom. I do."

"I know you do, honey" Eliza replied nodding, smiling compassionately, dragging her daughter, who was hugging a pillow in front of her belly, closer.

"But people can love more than one person, you know? Your love for Santana never disappeared, it's still inside you. It may not have been as close to the surface anymore, after you found Amber, but now all the old feelings are coming back. It makes everything different. Mixed with the fact that Santana is sick. I'd never blame you for being confused, Sweetie."

Brittany was rubbing her temples now, thinking about popping in some painkillers to get rid of that constant throbbing in her head. She felt dizzy and close to throwing up.

"Maybe you should tell Amber that you need a break, that you need to figure things out..."

"Mom!" Brittany interrupted her mother, frowning, her voice upset. "I know you always loved San like your own daughter, but I can't just break up with Am, I can't, it's not right. I wanna be with her, she's always been good to me. And despite the fact that I can't deny that I still have feelings for San... she hurt me, mom. It wasn't fair... It wasn't fair what she did to me..." The alcohol made her more emotional than she already was and Brittany hated that drinking could have such an effect. Wasn't it supposed to make her forget and not feel twice as bad?

Eliza sighed, nodding as she stroked her daughter's back.

"You're right... but then you should really pick up your phone the next time..."

"I will" Brittany agreed when she suddenly pushed her mother's arm away and quickly got up from the couch.

"Where are you going?" Eliza asked surprised, watching Brittany, who was still wearing her Ducktales pajamas, stumble hastily off the couch.

"I think I have to puke..." Brittany whined, holding her hand in front of her mouth, just in case.

"Honey wait, I'll hold your hair..."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Santana was still sitting in her living room, not able to move. All she could think of was the expression on Brittany's face and the feeling of Brittany's lips against her own as she softly let her thumb brush along her lower lip. She felt paralyzed.

The emotions, the fear she had seen on her ex-girlfriend's features, they had been the main reason for this whole damn lie. She was sure she'd never be able to delete this out of her memories.

Then again – how was she supposed to forget and to delete any memories at all? There wasn't enough time to forget before she'd be... well... gone.

She swallowed hard.

This wasn't worth it. This earth was a miserable place. A place in which she had taken away the happiness from the one person who made this world a little better. She hated herself. She hated her body for doing these things to her... to them. It was all her fault, she was destroying another person's life.

If she weren't such a big coward, she'd finish the job herself. She had thought of it many times. Had thought of ending things on her own will, of not letting the disease win. She was her own boss, she had always been her own fucking boss. What did this fucking cancer think? That she'd silently wait until it killed her? She might as well do it herself, do it her own way.

But then Loredana had kept reminding her that she wasn't a quitter. She was a fighter. She had been through enough shit in her life. If she wanted to show this damn cancer that it couldn't make any decisions about her life, then she had to fight. Fight with all the power she had left.

But that had been months ago. That had been before she had found out that the chemo didn't work. That had been before she had crushed her ex-girlfriend's world.

What was there left to live for now? Nothing. Fucking nothing.

It was time to leave this place.

No, she wasn't going to kill herself, not yet, but it was time to get away from here. Away from this apartment full of memories, away from her doctor who kept trying to talk her into another chemo, away from the woman she loved and whose life she was mixing up – away from everything.

She would jump into a plane and find a quiet place to die. She'd spend all her money in those last months and make it easier for everyone. It was time to say goodbye to Santana Lopez.

Santana got up from her seat, her eyes narrowed as she ripped the first few pictures off the wall. Then she stumbled through the hallway, ripping all those closets and drawers open, searching through all the pieces of furniture to find old photo albums. Documents. Certificates. Letters. Anything with her name on it.

She carried the whole bunch of pictures and papers outside on her balcony, throwing them into an iron bin, piece by piece.

A swimming award from when she was six – byebye.

Pictures of herself, smiling next to her parents – adios.

Several certificates from cheerleading camp – Santana hesitated.

Her thoughts were flashing back to the nights when Brittany had crawled into her bed in their dorm. They had been fourteen and far from dating officially...

_'I can't sleep Santana. I don't like cheer camp. The girls keep making fun of me and it's exhausting. I mean, I love dancing, but not if they drill me so much. The coach keeps yelling and yelling and I just wanna disappear..."_

_'Hey Brit-Brit' Santana told her friend, letting her snuggle under her covers as she wrapped an arm around her. 'You're better than all of them, you know that right? You're better than any of those other girls and they are just being bitches because your talent scares them. And the coach – well – the next time she yells at you, just imagine she's wearing a big chicken costume. A really fat chicken, with yellow feathers.'_

The image had made Brittany giggle and she had let her head rest on Santana's shoulder. Sometimes they had kissed, when they could be sure that no one was looking. At that point she had been convinced that they were only curious. Little had she known that this girl would forever be her one and only. That she'd be all she could possibly want in her life.

Santana made herself get rid of these thoughts, staring at the certificates one last time before finally throwing them into the bin as well.

A few pictures were a little harder to throw away. A few pictures that reminded her of the happy times, the careless times. She let her finger run along the images of herself, along her happy feautures, her smiling face. There weren't many of those pictures. A lot of them portrayed a young woman who was scared to show her true self, scared to deal with herself and her sexuality. The best pictures were those of her happiest years – living together with her girlfriend, finally having found herself, finally sure where she belonged.

Five happy years she was thankful for. They should have made more pictures in those years. They were the only ones that were worth remembering.

Santana shook her head, close to crying again, so she threw the whole album into the bin before any particular picture might make her stomach turn around again.

She swallowed hard, trying to ignore the lump in her throat as she got the matchsticks out of her pocket.

She watched the memories of herself burn. She stared into the flames of her past, watched the thick smoke being carried away into the sky.

Her gaze followed the red sparks that were flying around her and she felt as if a heavy weight had fallen off her shoulders. She had the upper hand. She could make the decisions. It was up to her to decide when she was going to leave and this was the first step. She needed this. Needed this to remind herself that she didn't want to look back anymore.

The heat radiating from the little fire felt warm on Santana's skin and she closed her eyes for a moment, listening to the rustling and burning paper in the bin. Tonight she was going to look for a place to travel to. For her final destination. She'd check her bank account and then make a decision. Beach? Mountains? Deserts? Forests? She was sure the internet would provide her with a few ideas...

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was bright when Brittany opened her eyes again and her heart skipped a beat when she realized she wasn't at home. It took her a moment to realize she was still at her mother's place and within seconds she felt her stomach tighten. The memories came back, her awful headache an instant reminder of the drinking. And the reason why she had done it in the first place.

It all felt like a bad dream, like her worst nightmare. But it wasn't a dream. It was real.

She needed to get out of this house. She felt dirty and sweaty and uncomfortable and there were so many things going on in her head that she needed to sort out. She had to plan her next move, had to get a clear head and do something.

Brittany quickly stripped out of her pajamas, putting her jeans and shirt back on before quickly running into the living room. Her mother was preparing breakfast and the kitchen smelled like fresh coffee.

"Mom... Mom, I have to go. I ... I shouldn't have passed out like this, I'm sorry, I was wasted, I -"

"Good morning, honey" her mother greeted her, pouring some orange juice into a glass. "Don't apologize, rather sit down and eat something with me. You need some energy."

"I'm sorry but I can't."

Eliza sighed, giving her daughter a concerned look. "Of course you can, Brit. I understand that you're still mixed up and emotional but there's nothing you can do that will change the situation right now. You might as well think of your health and give your body some vitamins..."

Brittany didn't think of sitting down, she only grabbed the glass and drowned the orange juice.

"I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

Eliza nodded, obviously unsure if she could let her daughter leave in the emotional state she was in.

"Brit?"

"Hm?"

"Please tell Santana that I'm sending her all my best wishes, will you? And bring her over here whenever you want to. I'd be happy to have dinner with you two, just as in good old times..."

Brittany swallowed, closing the top button of her warm coat as she tried hard not to imagine Santana and herself happily sitting at the dinner table with her family. Tried not to think of the many times Santana had been angry with her because Brittany had started stroking her girlfriend's thigh under said table, her hand always traveling a little higher while Santana had nervously tried to push her away, her perfect-daughter-in-law-smile frozen on her face as she spoke.

_'You can't do these things when we're around your parents, Britts. Gosh!' Santana yelled at her, her cheeks still flushed. 'It's beyond awkward to talk about my job or our future plans while you do these... these... things to me.'_

_Brittany would made a pouty face, looking as innocent as ever, playing with her blonde curls as she was staring at her own feet, hanging her head in shame. Santana soon gave in and started smiling, not able to hold back her laughter any longer._

_'Oh fuck this, I still love you... but you need to behave next time...' she said, grinning, before attacking her girlfriend. _

_'And now I'll show you what naughty really means...' _

"Brit?" her mother interrupted her thoughts and Brittany quickly shook her head to get rid of her daydream.

"Yeah.. yes, I'll tell her that..."

She looked sad as she quickly hugged her mother goodbye and made her way over to the door.

"Bye, mom."

Brittany made her way out of the house, feeling terribly sorry for not having talked to her girlfriend. She was sure Amber must be worried and angry.

Yes. 17 missed calls. Five texts.

The cold air outside felt as if it were hitting her face and Brittany pulled her scarf a little tighter, icy fingers quickly dialing Amber's number.

"Brittany, where the _fuck _have you been?" her girlfriend yelled into the speaker so that Brittany had to hold it a little further away from her ear. Sweet and calm Amber could obviously be loud and angry.

"I'm so sorry Ams, I was at my mom's..."

"All night? Seriously Brittany, I was this close to calling the police because you never answered my calls. Is there something you need to tell me? Seriously, tell me!"

"Ams..." Brittany started, sitting down on a huge stone, stretching her legs. She sighed.

"Amber, Santana is dying."

Silence.

"She's... - what?"

"She has cancer, Ams. She only has a few more months to live. She lied to me to protect me... There's no other woman... there never was."

"Oh my god..."

Amber's voice was entirely serious now, numb almost.

"Brit, I don't know what to say... I mean... how could she do that? Lie to you like this? Of course it's awful and I'm terribly sorry to hear all this, but what are you going to do now?"

"Be there for her, Ams, that's what I'm doing."

No response.

"Ams, I have to. Oh my god, I've known her my whole life and she's all alone. I can't let her be alone. I can't."

Damn those stupid tears, when was that tear stash ever empty?

Amber cleared her throat.

"Yes of course you need to be there for her... and I'm willing to help you if you need me... I'm really sorry, you must feel completely awful."

"It's been the worst night of my life" Brittany replied honestly, rubbing her arms in the cold as she was watching her breath in front of her face. "And I don't know how to deal with it. Not at all."

"Why didn't you call me earlier, Brit? I'm your girlfriend, your partner. Why did you shut me out? Why didn't you contact me in such a situation and asked me to be there for you?"

"I... I don't know, I was just completely confused."

It was the truth, Brittany had never been more confused in her life. And she had never been more drunk.

"I'm sorry" Amber continued, "I dont wanna be too demanding it's just... what is this going to mean for us, Brit?" Her voice sounded fragile now, almost shy. "... please, if you're going to break up with me I need to know it right away... please spare me an even bigger heartbreak..."

Brittany wasn't sure that she had ever felt such a thick lump in her throat before. She didn't wanna lose Amber, she loved having her in her life... but right now... right now all she could think of was Santana. All she could think about was how much time there might be left for her.

She tried hard to think rationally, tried hard to look at the situation from a more neutral perspective. Tried to see things the way she had seen them a week or a month ago, when Amber had been the most important person in her life. No. She couldn't lose her.

"So? Are you? Breaking up with me?" Amber whispered, not able to hide the fear in her voice.

"No it's... no. I do love you Ams. I wanna be with you... you've always been so good to me... it's just..." Brittany tried to explain, biting her lower lip. "Please understand that I need to be there for Santana in these next months... if she lets me. Please understand that it has nothing to do with us or the fact that she's my ex... but she has no one Amber. She's all alone... I don't want her to die alone... She needs me."

The last part was barely more than a whisper and Amber swallowed.

"I understand that" Amber told her sincerely. "I promise."

"Okay... um... thank you" Brittany replied nodding slowly to herself, the phone still pressed closely to her ear.

"I love you" Amber said, her voice hopeful as she waited for Brittany's reply.

"I love you, too" Brittany replied and she knew she wasn't lying. She did love Amber. She'd never want to hurt her. "I promise to call you soon, okay?"

"Yeah..." Amber agreed and the call soon disconnected.

Brittany took a deep breath. The first step was done. Things with Amber were clear for now – now she definitely had to talk to Santana again.

It didn't take her long to get back to the apartment and the front door was open since their old neighbor Mrs McPherson was cleaning the hallway, sweeping some dirt out onto the pavement.

"Hi Mrs McPherson" Brittany greeted her friendly and the old lady nodded on her direction.

"Brittany..." she muttered. "Are you and Santana back together?"

She sounded as if she were scared of the answer and Brittany had to hold back a smile.

"_Brit... oh god... no... ahh... omg stop it, I swear Brit, I'll kill you, ahh.." Santana cried, running away from Brittany whose fingers were icy from the snowy weather outside. She had wanted to touch Santana when she came home, wanted to kiss her, but all Santana had done was shriek and run away._

"_I said doooon't touch me!"_

"_Oh my god, you're such a baby. C'mere. Come ooon" Brittany laughed, running behind Santana around the table. "I just want a smooch."_

"_You just wanna tickle me with those creepy ice fingers of yours, that's all you want, Brittany Susan Pierce" Santana yelled back at her, hiding behind a chair._

_Then Brittany managed to grab her arm and tackle her as they both landed on the ground, Santana groaning in the process. Brittany had quickly pushed Santana's top up, grabbing her with her cold fingers, letting her fingertips run along her girlfriend's ribs. Santana shrieked, stumping her feet on the ground, trying to kick Brittany away from her._

"_Oh god Brit... no... no... oh my god I hate you, ahhh, fuck you I can't breathe. Brit. Brit I can't breathe."_

_Brittany looked at her, worried. "Are you okay, San?"_

_Santana smirked, pushing Brittany off of her in one quick movement as she straddled her, pinning her girlfriend's arms above her head on the ground beneath her._

"_So who's on top now, huh?" she asked with a superior grin, tickling Brittany's armpits while leaning down closer and muffling the girl's cries with a kiss._

At some point Mrs McPherson had hammered against the wall with a broom. The next day she had given them both a very judging look, had mumbled something about young sex addicts and the terrible changes in society.

Good old Mrs McPherson. Brittany missed her.

"No" she finally replied, shaking her head. "No, we're not back together. But we're friends."

"...with benefits..." the elderly woman mumbled bitterly, focusing on her broom again.

Brittany pretended not to hear her as she made her way to Santana's apartment.

She knocked but no one answered. She carefully tried to push the door open since Santana usually kept it open during the day and only locked up before she went to bed.

"San?" she asked, slowly stepping inside. "San, are you there?"

But then she saw her and her heart skipped a beat. Santana was asleep on the sofa, an empty bottle of wine on the floor and the laptop opened on the table. She was lying on her belly, one arm and one leg hanging off the couch, limp. And her hair... Her hair was short.

It took Brittany a minute to understand what was going on and the tears came back right away. Santana looked beautiful, even with shorter hair. She looked thin and exhausted but her face was as flawless as ever. Her dark hair was barely covering her ears and Brittany couldn't help but notice that it underlined her beautiful features even more. Santana was the prettiest woman she knew... and the short hair a reminder of what she must have been through. Without her.

Yes, Brittany had heard stories about chemos. Had heard about the side effects, about the weakness, the pain. The chance that they might not work.

Here she was, her Santana. She had lost her hair, had been sitting through hours of torture and she, Brittany, hadn't been there. She felt her chest closing up again, felt her breath shorten, felt the silly need to stroke Santana's head.

"San... hey" she tried waking her, softly rubbing her arm above Santana's sweater.

Santana's eyes opened slowly and she gave her a weak smile.

"Brit..."

For a moment she seemed entirely happy to see her until her features became serious again and she realized she wasn't dreaming.

"Uh, Brit.. what are you doing here?"

She immediately realized she wasn't wearing her wig and frantically started searching for it, protectively wrapping her hands around her naked neck and shoulders.

"Here..." Brittany said softly, handing Santana the wig that had been lying on the floor. She figured she could tell her she didn't need it, could tell her that she looked beautiful without it, but she also figured this wasn't the right time or the right place.

She looked around the room, noticing that the walls were emptier than the last time she had seen them. Pictures were missing. It made her worry.

"Brit, I don't know why you're here again but if it's about that kiss, I'm sorry. We – I mean... I shouldn't have. And I understand it was wrong and it's definitely for the best if we stop seeing each other."

"Why would you say that..." Brittany replied slowly, though it wasn't a question, it was more of an exhausted statement. Why would she still push her away, even now, after everything was out in the open?

"Brit, I made my decision. It wasn't what I had planned, it wasn't what was supposed to happen. If you had never found out you would have forgotten me at some point. But it didn't work like that. We ran into each other again and it mixed everything up but... but I'm leaving this time. I'm leaving for real and it will make it easier, less complicated. And you can go back to your life and - "

"Shut up" Brittany interrupted her, her face strict.

"Excuse me...?" Santana replied frowning, adjusting the wig on her head as she spoke, getting a bit of her old confidence back.

"You're gonna sit down and you're gonna listen to me now, Santana" Brittany started, her voice not allowing any kind of protest. "I'm tired of all the plans that you've made. I'm seriously tired of it. Tired of the fact that you, for some reason, think you're worth more or whatever, that someone gave you the right to keep things from me and decide things over my head. I don't know what on earth made you do this and trust me, I am still so so mad at you..."

"Brit - "

"Uh-uh" Brittany hushed her ex, "I said listen to me. No interruptions!"

Santana swallowed and looked upset, yet she kept quiet.

"I am still so so mad at you and I can't believe you did this... I can't believe you would choose this life over me. Even if you say you did this to protect me... it's no excuse..."

She took a deep breath, sitting down in front of Santana so their faces were on the same level and she could look straight into her eyes.

"You're still important to me, San. You'll always be important to me. I've loved you with all my heart, even long before we started dating. I grew up with you. You're a part of me, don't you see that?"

Santana tried to break eye-contact, tried to keep herself from tearing up, but Brittany softly grabbed her chin and made her look at her again.

"You've made enough crazy plans for both of us Santana. Now it's time that I make a plan, you hear me? It's my turn now. You owe me that much..."

Santana's chin was shivering and Brittany let her hand rest on her skin for a little moment longer.

"I will not accept this decision you made, San. I will not let you leave this world alone, you hear me?" She was tearing up herself again, her voice shaky.

"I still wanna be here for you. And I will be here for you... through anything..."

She took Santana's hand in hers, squeezing it slightly.

"I have a few demands, San."

Santana stared at her with huge eyes, her chest heaving.

"I demand that you let me do this, I demand that you let me back into your life. As the girl who has been your best friend since first grade. As the girl who knows you better than anybody else in this world."

She paused.

"I demand that you don't hide yourself from me. I demand that even if we're not together anymore, you will tell me how you feel, you will tell me when you're scared."

Brittany squeezed Santana's hand a little tighter when she saw a tear on her ex-girlfriend's cheek.

"And I want you to allow me to be scared, too. I want us to be honest with each other. No more lies, never again. I want us to cry together when we feel the need to, I want us to hug each other when we need the comfort, I want us to laugh together when we need to cheer each other up. I want you to take me to your doctor's appoitments. I don't want you to go alone anymore. I want to know everything that's going on with you, I want to know everything about your medical condition. I'm going to read as much as I can about cancer, until my brain will feel like fried eggs, and then I want to talk to that doctor and hear everything she has to say about the situation. I can't accept any excuse, Santana. I can't accept you leaving me and not allowing me to appreciate every minute I have left with you."

Her own cheeks were wet again, but her voice remained steady.

"You're my best friend, San. You always will be."

Santana was still staring back at her, her eyes rapidly moving in her head. She brushed away some tears with the back of her sleeve, needing to look away for a second.

"Now you can say something..." Brittany tried to encourage her, searching her friend's eyes again.

Santana swallowed hard, her hand shaking underneath Brittany's. Yet she cleared her throat to find her voice back.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Brittany queried, needing the reassurance.

"Yes. Okay." Santana repeated nodding, a small smile forming on her lips.

Before she had time to think, Brittany had her arms wrapped closely around the woman in front of her, pressing her against her chest as if she'd never let her go again. She breathed in the smell of her hair once more, clinging onto her thin body as if Santana might disappear once she'd let go.

"You can't get rid of me that easily..." Brittany mumbled into Santana's hair. "And I won't let you leave me like this.. not like this, you hear me?"

"I hear you" Santana nodded again. "Loud and clear."

And it made Santana laugh. She was still sobbing, and Brittany still knew that the hardest months of her life were lying ahead of her, but for this one moment it was okay. For this one moment Santana laughed and even if she knew that she probably had no chance to make her healthy again, that the inevitable was still going to happen... for a moment it felt as if everything was going to be okay.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This is kind of a filler chapter but I felt it was still important to lead up to what I have planned for them in the future. Chapter 7 will most likely mark a little turning point and will allow me to FINALLY get to what I usually wanted to do with this fic ;)**

**I really want to thank all those sweet anonymous reviewers again, you words make me smile :) and of course everyone else who leaves a comment.**

**Oh, and Steph. Speedy Gonzales when it comes to betaing! Thank you!**

"Um... Ma'am... excuse me, lady... you cannot... erm... you c-cannot s-sleep here..."

The thin lady was carefully nudging Brittany with her foot who was lying on the floor, her head in between a pile of books and a thermos jug that had left a small coffee stain on the khaki colored carpet.

"Ma'am.. did... d-d-id you... s-spend the night here?" she stuttered, shoving her thick glasses back on her nose with her index finger. "I-if you d-don't get up, I – I have to c-call my b-b-boss."

Brittany slowly opened her eyes, trying to remember where she was. She looked around and saw high bookshelves, saw herself curled up in between all this literature, saw the young librarian in her pleated skirt who was obviously not pleased with the fact that she had fallen asleep...

How late was it anyways?

"What time is it?" Brittany asked the stranger, rubbing her eyes.

"I-it's quarter to e-eight, ma'am."

"Oh... oh okay, hmm, it's getting late..." Brittany mumbled , yawning.

"Late ma'am? Eight A.M. and n-not P.M. ... y-you must have spent the night."

Brittany was immediately wide awake, sitting up as she looked at her phone in panic.

"Holy shit..." she whispered, quickly stuffing her things back into her bag. "I must have dozed off I ... it was hard to focus, I was tired, I'm really sorry..."

Brittany could sense the woman eyeing her closely, could see, from the corner of her eye, how she was looking at all the books on the floor.

_One Renegade Cell: How Cancer Begins_

_Hope in the Face of Cancer: A Survival Guide for the Journey You Did Not Choose_

_Help me Live – 20 Things Every Cancer Patient Should Know_

"I-I'm sorry, I- ... " the lady continued stuttering as her gaze was fixed on the book titles. "I'm not gonna tell my b-boss that you slept here. If y-you don't d-do it again, then everything is f-fine."

So that's what it must feel like when people knew you were sick. This immediate compassionate expression on their faces. They don't look at you in the same way, all you see is how much they pity you. Somehow it made sense to hide the truth... from strangers at least.

Brittany felt dirty from having slept on the floor, her back hurt and so did her eyes from all the reading. She had tried to get as much information on the topic as possible. Different kinds of cancer. Treatments. Coping methods. Everything.

She had started with a book for children to understand the basics and soon made her way forward to the more complicated and more formal literature. Some things had been hard to understand but Brittany had been eager to learn, eager to get at least a good impression on what was happening with Santana. If she wanted to be part of her life, she needed to know how to help, how to give advice, how to take care of her. She wanted to know everything.

"Thank you" Brittany finally said when she had her bag packed and was carrying the big pile of books on her arm. "I appreciate that."

"G... G-good luck with.. e-everything" the librarian told her, huge eyes staring at her through thick glasses.

Brittany stared back at the woman, her mind blank for a second before she nodded. Luck. Yes. They needed a lot of that.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Brittany was almost half an hour late when she got to work, stumbling into the salon with her mascara still smeared across her face and her hair slightly tousled.

"You're late..." her boss hissed between clenched teeth. "Clients are waiting..."

"I'm really sorry" Brittany blurted out, out of breath from having to run to work. Of course the stupid bus had closed its doors right before she had gotten the chance to hop inside and the grumpy driver had just taken off.

"It's... it's a little chaotic at the moment..." she tried to explain, hanging her head in shame.

"Isn't it always chaotic in your world?" the elderly boss muttered, pouring some coffee into a cup before pushing it against Brittany's chest.

"Here. Drink that. And then use the restroom and clean yourself up a little. If you greet our clients like this they might run backwards out of the door again..."

Brittany did as she was told, taking a closer look at her reflection in the mirror of the tiny bathroom. There were dark circles under her eyes, her skin looked a little red, her hair was stringy. She really needed a shower.

Quickly splashing some cold water into her face, Brittany took a deep breath. She just needed to get used to all this, right? Her nerves would calm down eventually.

The situation with Santana was still confusing for her, it was still occupying her mind 24/7. It had controlled her thoughts when she was at her mother's place, it had controlled her at Amber's place, at the library, in her dreams, and it was controlling her now.

She hadn't paid attention to one word her annoying client Mrs Robertson had said to her. Something about her son she assumed, as always. Trying to finish the haircut as quickly as possible in order to get Mrs Robertson to shut up, Brittany half-heartedly shortened the woman's hair, the scissors almost cutting into her own flesh in the process.

Just as she was about to hold up the hand mirror for her client so she'd be able to take a look at the back of her head , Brittany had to realize that she had completely messed up. Part of the woman's hair was far too short and the only way to save this haircut was to shorten it entirely. Brittany's face lost its last bits of color.

"What is it, what are you staring at?" Mrs Robertson asked confused, her hand reaching out behind her head to examine what her hairdresser had done.

"Oh my god, what did you do?" she shrieked, "let me see..."

"I... I don't.. uh..." Brittany stuttered as her boss made her way over to the pair, immediately realizing that something was wrong.

"Out" she ordered, her face strict. "I'm serious, Brittany. Get out and come back when you're your old self again."

Brittany nodded, her hands shaking. She mumbled an apology before grabbing her bag and heading out, her colleague Anna right behind her.

"Brit, wait a minute!"

Brittany was storming out, catching her breath as she let herself sink down on a bench outside of the salon, biting the inside of her cheek to retain some control. What was this shit? What was she supposed to do? Was it always gonna be like this from now on? This was nothing you could get used to. This wasn't just a phase. Back to her old self? When was that supposed to happen? When she had gotten used to the fact that her best friend was going to die? Or maybe after her death? When she was gone and she'd get used to being without her forever? Who ever got fucking used to that? When would there ever be a point when she didn't feel like crying for god's sake?

Anna sat down next to her, giving her a concerned look.

"B, what's going on? You wanna talk about it?"

"I messed up Mrs Robertson's hair..." Brittany whispered, her foot tapping nervously on the asphalt.

"Yeah, I got that part. But I mean in general. What happened?"

"Santana happened..."

"Santana Lopez. Your ex." Anna stated and Brittany nodded.

"You didn't know, did you?"

Brittany gave her a confused look, her chin shivering a little.

"The other day, when I asked you about her... you didn't know she was sick."

Brittany shook her head.

"I'm so sorry" Anna told her, patting her thigh.

"I feel so embarassed" Brittany admitted, not knowing what to focus her gaze on. She felt like hiding somewhere. Forever hiding.

"I only knew because she bought her first wig here, it was before you worked with us. She didn't talk much about it, she just... well, it's awful, she's so young..."

"Too young" Brittany agreed, hating the thick lump in her throat that didn't really want to disappear lately.

"Are you gonna be all right?" Anna asked carefully and Brittany smiled sadly.

"She won't be all right. That's all that matters at the moment. And it sucks."

Anna nodded, giving the girl next to her a hug. Brittany appreciated these moments. She appreciated that Anna stopped asking because it was clear that there was nothing more to say. She appreciated being close to people, appreciated the chance to let herself go for a mere moment, to close her eyes and be embraced.

"Do you want me to call Amber for you?" Anna offered but Brittany shook her head, reaching for her own cell.

"I'm good. Thank you though."

Anna nodded.

"I'll talk to our boss, okay? Don't worry. Plus, let's be honest, you did Mrs Robertson a favor. Ladies her age should stop trying to look like teenagers. Shorter hair will be much better for her."

Brittany smiled as Anna gave her one last brief hug and waved, quickly moving back to the salon.

xxxxxxxxxx

Brittany reminded Amber of a sad and lost little puppy. She had left her own work as early as possible in order to pick Brittany up and take her home. She had heard how upset her girlfriend was and had not wanted to waste another minute before driving over to her.

If Amber were honest with herself, part of her felt as if she needed to prove to Brittany that she could rely on her. That she herself should be the first person Brittany would call in an emergency or whenever she needed help. That she was the one person who should first pop into her head whenever she needed to talk.

But now, with Santana being back in her, - or in _their _life, Amber couldn't help but feel scared. Scared to lose her girlfriend, scared of all the emotions that were slowly bubbling to the surface. She had never seen her like that before. Brittany was changing entirely and it terrified Amber.

"B, I'm sorry about what happened..." she began, holding the door of her car open for Brittany to get in. "I think you should take a few days off. To clear your head."

Brittany buckled up, looking out of the window.

"Yeah... yeah I thought about it. I might really need some time off..."

Amber smiled as she sat down next to her, starting the engine and slowly petting her girlfriend's leg.

"That's good. You should really try to recover, it was a lot to take... I don't know, we could... get away for a bit if you like? I'm sure I could arrange something at work, like, a little weekend trip? We've never done that. It would be our first little vacation..."

Brittany stared at Amber as if she were from another planet, her eyes moving rapidly in her head as her forehead was turning more wrinkly every second.

"You're kidding, right?"

Amber cleared her throat, focusing on the road.

"Why would I be kidding...?" she asked slowly, gripping the wheel a little tighter. She had a pretty good idea where this was going and she certainly didn't like it.

"Ams, I'm not gonna leave town when my friend is dying..." Brittany stated as if Amber were out of her mind, leaning back against the passenger seat.

Amber could feel the heat rush to her face, could feel her pulse race as the jealousy and insecurity kicked in.

"Brit, you are my girlfriend. All I asked you was if you wanted to get away with me for a weekend to clear your head because you obviously don't feel good. I was thinking of _you _and _your _health..."

Brittany shook her head, yet she remained quiet.

"And what's with the silent treatment now?" Amber queried. "Okay, if you wanna spend the time with Santana then just say so..."

"Don't even start an argument about this, Ams or you can stop the car right now. I am not gonna fight about this. She needs me and you said you'd be okay with it. Ams, you said you'd wanna help me, how is it helpful if you're trying to take me away from here and make me forget? It wouldn't work anyway..."

Yeah, it wasn't going to work, Amber was sure of that by now. Nobody had a chance against the ex, right? Wasn't this some unwritten law or something? That you could never compete with another person's first love?

Oh god, what was she even thinking. They were talking about a sick person, she should show more compassion, shouldn't she? Jealousy shouldn't be more important than that.

Plus, her girlfriend was obviously the most social and caring person Amber knew. She was doing the right thing. Who was she to try and hold her back?

"I'm sorry..." Amber offered slowly, glancing over to Brittany who still wasn't looking at her.

"What do you wanna do now? Want me to take you home?"

Brittany nodded, clearing her throat.

"Actually I wanna take a hot shower, get cleaned up and then head over to San's. There are still a few things I need to discuss with her and, yeah, she needs some real food, some proper groceries..."

Now it was Amber's turn to remain quiet.

"I don't know, I think we need to get used to each other again, but once Santana feels a little better and more open towards me, I'd say you should come with me sometime. For instance, you could come with me to her place, get to know her a little better..."

Amber had to raise an eyebrow, not sure what to say about all this.

"... I don't want you to think that I'm shutting you out of my life" Brittany continued. "... I want you to be a part of this. I need you to be..."

And Amber wanted to, she really did. Still, part of her wasn't sure how hard it was going to be, for all three of them. It kind of looked like a dead-end.

Brittany was biting her nails now, one of her few bad habits when she felt insecure and didn't know what to do with herself. Amber was scanning her sideways, taking in the sight of the girl she truly loved, wondering how long it was gonna take until Brittany would slip out of her hands.

She wasn't going to let this happen, was she?

Damn, Amber loved her. She loved Brittany S. Pierce and she knew the woman was worth fighting for.

xxxxxxxxx

"You just sit down on the couch and watch some Sweet Valley High!" Brittany ordered when Santana opened her door, looking at her surprised. "I'll cook!"

Brittany was carrying two huge bags of groceries that were so full that Santana was worried her ex might drop half of their content any second.

"Let me help you" Santana offered and Brittany bit her lip to keep herself from saying anything against it.

"Don't give me that look, I can carry some groceries" Santana said with a warning look and Brittany nodded. She needed Brittany in her life but she didn't need her to do everything for her from now on. She was still her own person, she still had her pride.

"What are you cooking?" Santana queried and her friend smiled, putting some fresh vegetables on the counter.

"You'll see. Just relax and let me do my thing."

"Okay, okay" Santana replied, raising her hands in defense. "Just tell me if you need any help."

"Will do" Brittany said smiling, opening the book she had brought with her. It was full of colorful post-its with little notes that bookmarked the best recipes.

"I always thought you found recipes confusing" Santana yelled from the sofa, grinning.

"They are, but I accept the challenge" Brittany replied with a wink, getting a pair of glasses out of her pocket.

"Since when do you need glasses for reading?" Santana asked confused, wrapping herself in a huge blanket.

"I don't, but they make me look intelligent, don't you think?"

"You're such a dork" Santana laughed, shaking her head. Brittany was still too adorable for words.

Brittany started slicing the vegetables and Santana found the cooking girl in her kitchen to be a lot more interesting than what was happening on the screen of her TV. It was a good feeling to see her there. To see her open all the drawers, knowing exactly where she kept her knives and bowls and pans. It was as if she belonged there. It used to be their kitchen after all, and Santana had barely changed a thing about it. It felt as if nothing had changed. Even though everything had changed.

Part of her expected Brittany to cut her finger because it was what had usually happened as soon the woman was working with sharp things. It was the reason why they kept their first aid kit right underneath the sink.

But no, not today. Brittany seemed focused and willing to get this right.

After a while the whole apartment was filled with a delicious smell and for the first time in a long time Santana found herself to be truly hungry. In the past months eating had mostly been an annoying neccessity for her, something she did in order not to starve and to keep her strength, but nothing she truly enjoyed. Now she could feel her mouth get watery, could feel some weird anticipation inside of her belly, looking forward to sitting down with Brittany at their dinner table and see her smile when they ate.

Santana sipped the last of her tea, pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands when she felt the cool breeze from the open window blow inside the living room. She loved being inside when it was freezing outside, loved the fact that it was already getting dark in the afternoon. She loved the warm feeling of soft cotton on her skin and hot tea in her belly. And Brittany here with her. It felt like home again. It felt right.

Brittany had started setting the table, forks on the right and knives on the left because Santana was a leftie, while humming a song to herself.

Santana gave her a warm smile, getting up from the sofa and walking over to the kitchen , not able to resist the smell for any longer.

"It looks great" she said in awe as she looked at the casserole that was still in the oven. "And it smells even better."

"A few more minutes" Brittany stated, smiling back at her. "I hope you're hungry."

"Yeah, actually I am" Santana said nodding as her gaze landed on the book that was still lying on the counter. She felt the knot around her throat tighten.

_The Cancer-Fighting Kitchen: Nourishing, Big-Flavor-Recipes for Cancer Treatment and Recovery._

Brittany seemed to be aware of Santana's sudden change in mood and made her way over to her, laying a hand on her friend's shoulder.

"What is this...?" Santana asked slowly, letting her finger run along the cover of the book.

"I... I did some research" Brittany admitted. "Are you mad?"

The question was barely more than a whisper and Santana felt that all too familar little pain in her chest. Mad? No. No, she wasn't mad. She was mad at the fact that what had seemed so normal and familar was now overshadowed by the depressing reality again, but was she mad about her friend doing everything she could do keep her healthy? Of course not.

"I'm not mad..." she said softly, looking over her shoulder to give Brittany a small reassuring smile.

"It's just... why are you doing this?"

"I just wanna know a much as I can, Santana" Brittany explained honestly. "I wanna be prepared. I wanna be involved."

Her voice was serious now, Santana knew she was trying to make her point very clear.

"I told you you are important to me and I wasn't lying. I... I want you to take good care of yourself and... do the best you can,... I want you to eat healthfully... and... "

"And what?" Santana asked, her look hopeful.

"And I want you to let me come to your doctor with you tomorrow."

Santana swallowed.

"How did you know?"

Brittany stepped from one foot to the other.

"I kind of saw your calendar, that little notebook... it was lying in the kitchen, I'm sorry."

Santana sighed. "Don't apologize... it's okay... I... I guess I want you there with me."

They smiled at each other for a long moment until Brittany finally nodded and pointed at the oven.

"We should eat before the food burns. I put too much effort into this to screw it up on the finish line."

xxxxxxxxxxx

"I'm gonna burst!" Santana moaned, leaning back in her chair as she was rubbing her own belly above her shirt. "This was a food orgasm."

"I'm glad you liked it" Brittany giggled, eyeing her friend closely.

"Seriously, where did you learn how to cook so well?"

Brittany went quiet for a moment, the smile frozen on her lips. Most things she knew from Amber, a lot of tricks that had made cooking much easier for her.

"Uh... Amber taught me a bit. You remember she works at that catering service, right?"

"I remember..." Santana answered, her feautures giving away that she was not entirely happy with that information.

Santana looked tired, more tired than usual. She was a little pale.

"Are you okay?" Brittany asked carefully and Santana nodded.

"I'm okay, I just... I think I need some rest soon... if that's okay with you."

"Are you kidding? Of course it's okay. Energy is important.

Santana was making her way over to the sofa, lying down and supporting her head on the armrest, struggling to find a comfortable position.

Brittany had started carrying the used dishes to the kitchen sink, letting some hot water run over them.

Santana was still fighting with a little pillow, positioning it under her neck so she could still lurk at the TV.

"San?" Brittany suddenly asked, her voice shy.

"Mhmm?"

"Your... your wig, it's..."

Santana stared at her.

"It looks kinda uncomfortable... and you're at home after all. You should take it off... much better for snuggling on the couch."

Frowning, Santana dragged the blanket closer to her body.

"I don't want to" she simply stated, shrugging and willing to change the subject.

"I think you do want, you just don't want to open up to me as much..."

Santana sighed again, curling some strand of fake hair around her index finger.

"What do I have left, how much pride, if one of the main things that once made me desirable is gone too now? It's just awkward..."

Brtttany shook her head, moving closer to Santana so she was sitting right in front of her.

"There's no need to keep up any facade in front of me, San. I've seen you in all kinds of situations, remember? Hell, you've seen _me _in all kinds of situations and nothing has to feel awkward in front of me or make you insecure" Brittany assured Santana as she was kneeling in front of her, squeezing her hand.

"Remember how I felt when I got chicken pox? I was twenty, or twenty-one, and I was so whiny and embarassed because I thought chicken pox were only for children. I was convinced I had gotten chicken pox because the chicken who infected me thought I was still a child, you remember that?"

Santana smiled at the memory, her gaze dropping as the images of said day were flashing in front of her inner eye.

"I do, Brit... How could I forget?" she whispered.

_"It's itching, San. It's itching so badly" Brittany whined, scratcing her arms as some huge tears ran down her face. "I look stupid. And I haven't even talked to any chicken lately. This is so unfair."_

_"Babe..." Santana said slowly, trying to hold back a smile. "Baby, they are just called chicken pox because... well, actually I have no idea why they are called like that, but it's not because you interacted with any chicken... or ate any chicken..."_

_"My mom said it's a disease for little children but I didn't get it when I was a kid so I have it now... San, do you think I'm too childish? Should I act more grown-up?"_

_"Brit, you're prefect the way you are. Never change. And stop scratching, it's not good..."_

_"But it itches, San! I want it to stop."_

_Santana had to roll her eyes, yet she had to smile._

_"Remove your shirt" she ordered._

_"I don't want to. Everything's full of spots. As if I had pimples all over my body, that's so ew."_

_"Brit!" Santana interfered, her voice stricter this time. "You do know who's sitting in front of you right now, don't you?"_

_Brittany sniffled and nodded._

_"Good. Cause I'm your girlfriend and I love you. You're the prettiest girl I know and you could be covered in dirt and slime and all kinds of disgusting shit and you'd still be the most beautiful girl on this planet to me. And these are just stupid little chicken pox, so remove your shirt, now!"_

_Brittany's eyes widened at Santana's words and she slowly raised her arms so her girlfriend was able to pull the shirt over her head and unclasp her bra._

_"Turn around, B" she said softly, getting the lotion out of the pharmacie's bag. She put some of it onto her palm and warmed it in her hands so it wouldn't be too cold on Brittany's skin._

_"It's gonna be better soon, I promise you that."_

_Brittany nodded slowly. "Okay."_

_Santana let her hands run along the soft skin of Brittany's back, making sure to cover each little red spot with the white lotion, massaging her girlfriend a little in the process._

_"Hm.. that feels nice" Brittany had to admit and Santana smiled._

_"You see, it's not so bad. And once we're done here we'll watch a nice movie, okay? You can choose!"_

_"Anything?" Brittany exclaimed excitedly, her voice much more chipper than only seconds ago._

_"Yes, Brit, anything."_

_"Awesome! 'Dude, Where is My Car'!"_

_Santana's hands froze and she had to close her eyes for a second._

_"Brit, that movie is so silly, we've watched it at least three times and it gets worse every single time..."_

_Brittany pouted. "You said anything..."_

_"Yeah... yeah I guess I did..."_

Brittany laughed.

"We should watch that movie again sometime..." she chuckled, though Santana knew Brittany was just trying to tease her. Still, somehow it didn't sound as bad anymore. She'd watch it a hundred times more if it meant they could be together and she would see and hear her laugh.

"Oh, oh, or remember that one time when I called you at work?" Brittany blurted out, barely able to control her laughter.

"Oh god, Brit..." Santana groaned, burying her face in her own hands.

_"Hello, Santana Lopez speaking, please make it quick..."_

_"Oh I know, you like it quick sometimes..."_

_"Brit?"_

_"Hmmm, yes. Do you miss me? I was thinking about you..."_

_"Brit, this is a bad time, I'll call you later okay? I -"_

_"I'm naked right now..."_

_"Brittany!"_

_"I can't wait till you come home, cause I was at this little shop downtown today, and I bought this thing that you were too shy to get for us the other day. I can't wait to try it out with you, I'm already super w-"_

_"BRITTANY I AM IN A MEETING AND YOU'RE ON SPEAKER. GOOD BYE!"_

_The call disconnected and Santana's face had turned a dark shade of red as she stared at the five men sitting in front of her who were looking at her with widened eyes._

_"I... um... excuse me, I'm so sorry, I told my assistant not to ... I mean, I usually don't accept personal calls at work, I thought it was something important, I - "_

_One of the men smirked, coughing. "It did sound rather important to me..."_

"Why are you reminding me of this? That was a lot more embarassing for me than it was for you and now it's supposed to make me feel better?" Santana asked frowning.

She had wanted to kill her assistent that day. And she had wanted to kill Brittany.

"C'mon San, I can see that hidden smile on your face" Brittany grinned, sticking out her tongue. "We totally got over it... and... in fact..." she mumbled, "... I think we had the best sex ever when you came home again..."

Brittany bit her lower lip, batting her eyelashes in a manner that Santana had always loved. Oh sweet innocent Brittany who has never been that innocent after all.

"Yeah.. yeah, it was pretty good" Santana admitted, nodding and smiling to herself at the inevitable wave of memories.

This had been only a few weeks before Santana had gotten her test results. A few weeks before they had told her she had cancer. Before they had told her it had already spread and it looked bad for her. Before her world had fallen apart and she had slowly started pushing Brittany away. It was a happy memory. A careless one.

Brittany's hand was still lying on Santana's, but their smiles had faded. They were looking at each other in a way that didn't require words. There was trust between them. A deep kind of trust that they had started building up years ago. Sure there had been lies, sure there had been betrayal, but in the end this strong connection remained.

Santana held Brittany's hand, slowly moving both their arms upwards until their hands reached Santana's head. They not once broke eye-contact when Santana let her friend softly grab the wig,

Their faces were dangerously close to each other when Brittany slowly removed the fake hair, revealing Santana's tousled, dark brown and much shorter haircut.

Brittany could see her friend hesitate, could feel her insecurities bubbling back to the surface, but she would not let her feel bad now. There was absolutely nothing embarassing about the picture in front of her. Santana was a beautiful woman. Absolutely stunning.

Santana smiled shyly and Brittany smiled back, her hand slowly running through her friend's real hair. It felt different than the wig. It felt like Santana. It felt like the good old days.

"You're so pretty..." Brittany whispered and she could sense her own tears coming back, dangerously close to running down her cheeks. Her thumb was running along Santana's cheek now, enjoying the feel of her soft skin against her hand.

She brushed some hair behind Santana's ear, still looking her in the eyes.

"Still so beautiful..."

Santana blushed, closing her eyes for a moment to take in the feel of the other girl's soft strokes.

"I'm glad you're here" she whispered but before Brittany had the chance to answer, she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. The sudden sound made her heart skip a beat and she was drawn back to reality in an instant.

Amber. Of course.

"_Ams? Yeah... yes, I'm still here. No. Well, if you like you can pick me up here, sure... yes. Okay. Then I see you soon..."_

Brittany cleared her throat.

"I promised to come home to her tonight. I wasn't there last night, so I guess I have to, you know, I don't want her to be - "

"Brit!" Santana interrupted her. "Brit, its okay. It's totally fine. I want you to enjoy the rest of the night. I'm no fun anymore anyways, I'm really fucking tired. I'm just gonna sleep."

Brittany nodded.

"But I'll see you tomorrow, right? I can pick you up! 10 AM?"

"Sounds like a plan" Santana replied before pulling Brittany in for an unusually close hug. Sometimes Brittany wondered if Santana was scared it might be the last time they'd see each other.

Brittany put a small kiss on her friend's hair, rubbing her hands along Santana's back.

"Sleep well, okay?" she whispered and Santana nodded.

"You too, Brit. And thank you for... err... the food."

Brittany smiled. The food. Yeah.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I wanna thank my great beta Steph and my amazing friend Frog for being so patient with me and my little freakouts over this fic... and for being so wonderfully inspiring. You both have given me so many great ideas and it's always a pleasure to ask you for advice! **

****- I'm really happy so many people keep reading this indeed very sad story. Let me know if you like the direction it's going, I'm always open to new ideas / criticism.****

**Chapter 7**

"How was it?"

No response.

"Britt?"

"Uh. Yeah. Sorry."

Brittany had been silent since Amber had picked her up from Santana's place and Amber had decided to give her girlfriend the quiet that she obviously needed... at least on their drive home in the car. Now that they had arrived at Amber's place, Brittany had wordlessly taken off her clothes, changing into a shirt and sweatpants as she let herself sink down on the bed. Her gaze wasn't empty, she seemed to be lost in thought.

"We... ate together."

Amber swallowed.

"You cooked?"

"Mmh."

Amber sighed, changing into more comfortable clothes herself. It was pretty obvious that her girlfriend was not in the mood to talk so she headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash off her make-up. Wiping her eyes clean from her eye-shadow she looked at herself in the mirror, taking a deep breath. This wasn't easy. Was there a guidebook that told you how to deal with such a situation? How to deal with a girlfriend who's rebuilding her relationship with her dying ex? If so, she really needed it.

"You wanna watch a movie or something?" she asked carefully, not knowing what else to suggest. It wasn't that late yet, not their usual sleeping time.

Brittany shrugged.

"Or, like, ... talk?"

Her girlfriend looked up to her, smiling a little as she patted the spot next to her on the covers.

"I just feel kinda drained to be honest" Brittany told her, wrapping an arm around Amber who had crawled next to her on the mattress.

Amber nodded, letting her head rest on Brittany's shoulder as she slowly let her hand stroke the girl's belly, inhaling her familiar smell.

"You were on my mind all day" Amber whispered, snuggling closer to kiss Brittany's cheek and neck. She found the spot at Brittany's earlobe that always made her giggle when she nibbled on the skin there, but there was no reaction. She let her hand travel upwards, lifting her girlfriend's shirt in the process. It wasn't wrong to want to be close to her, was it? They hadn't had sex in over a week and she missed feeling her, missed kissing her. Wasn't it nice for Brit to let go a little? To enjoy being cared for?

Amber felt Brittany's body stiffen under her touch, could see from the corner of her eye how she was staring at the ceiling.

"You okay?"

"Sure..." Brittany mumbled, turning her head to look at Amber. The smile on her lips was sad. Should she stop? Should they just sleep?

Brittany reached for Amber's hand, taking it to her lips to kiss her fingertips, one of her typical sweet gestures.

"Do you need space?"

Brittany sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. She seemed to think about her response, which was always a bad sign. Brittany never thought long about what she said, usually she just said what she wanted to say, blurted out whatever was going on in her mind. A quality Amber had always liked and appreciated.

"No. I'm glad you're here. I don't wanna be alone."

Amber nodded again, moving closer to finally capture Brittany's lips with her own, her eyes pressed shut.

"I love you" she whispered against her girlfriend's lips and Brittany allowed her to deepen the kiss, slowly opening her mouth.

Amber let out a soft moan, relieved to kiss her like that again, to have her attention. Her right hand was running through Brittany's soft blonde hair, her left hand having a mind of its own as it made its way further under Brittany's shirt, lightly stroking her breasts.

She parted Brittany's legs with her knee, moving fully on top of her, not once breaking their kiss. Brittany let her, her own hands slowly stroking up and down Amber's back.

Amber opened her eyes, searching the blue ones in front of her that were missing their usual passionate sparkle. She eyed her closely when her hand found Brittany's nipple, pinching it slightly. A small gasp was escaping Brittany's lips and she closed her eyes, frowning.

What was that frown? Was she doing something wrong? She knew Brittany's body well by now, almost as well as her own...

Brittany's hands kept running up and down Amber's back, her fingertips leaving feather light strokes above the fabric of her shirt.

She looked at her again, thumb still encircling Brittany's nipple as her mouth was travelling to Brittany's neck. Kissing. Biting a little.

Her leg was still positioned between Brittany's and she pressed it down a little more firmly, rubbing along that spot between Brittany's thighs.

"Hey, you with me?" Amber asked concerned, taking Brittany's chin in her hand to make them look at each other.

"Yes. Yes, keep going" Brittany encouraged her, closing her eyes as she seemed to focus on the pressure against her clit and the hand that was slowly making its way between their bodies, tugging on her sweatpants.

Amber's fingers were slowly making their way into Brittany's panties and Amber couldn't wait to feel the familiar warmth there. They travelled further down, brushing against soft skin, when her hand suddenly froze, one finger resting at Brittany's most intimate spot.

"Wow."

"Wow what?" Brittany asked confused, urging her girlfriend to keep doing what she was about to do.

Amber crawled off of Brittany's body, lying down next to her, staring at the wall.

"Why did you stop?"

"It's okay, Brit. It's... I guess it's not the right time. Obviously..."

Brittany didn't say anything and Amber couldn't help but feel stupid. It was fucking hard to be understanding all of the time because as sad and fucked up the situation was - the fear of losing the woman she loved kept overshadowing all of it.

She could feel her hands getting sweaty, could feel her heart beating a little faster. Brittany didn't want her anymore, did she? Yeah, sure, it was emotional overload for her girlfriend, but shouldn't her love for Britt give her power? Shouldn't she be like her safe haven? It sucked. It truly fucking sucked.

Minutes passed and the silence was suffocating as Amber felt her own fingernails dig into the palms of her hand.

"You would rather be with her, wouldn't you? You're mad at me for picking you up earlier. You wanted to stay but felt guilty, so you came with me. Am I right? I stand no fucking chance against her. You still love her. Just say it."

Brittany closed her eyes, her hands massaging her temples.

"Please..."

"Please what?" Amber blurted out, her voice close to breaking.

"Please don't... Please don't make this harder for me than it already is..."

There were so many things she wanted to say to her. So many thoughts that ran through her mind. Such a strong urge to scream that it was fucking hard for her as well because she didn't want to lose her. But no words came out.

"Let's just sleep" Amber whispered, dragging the blanket all the way up to her chin. How was she going to support her? How was she going to be able to see them together, seeing the look on Brittany's face when she was around Santana? She didn't know if she could do it. She really didn't know.

"I'm going to go with her to her doctor's appointment tomorrow morning."

It was a strong statement in the otherwise dark and quiet room.

"Yeah. Of course you are."

It was the last thing they said to each other that night.

xxxxxxxx

When Brittany woke up, Amber had already left. It was unusually early for her and Brittany knew she didn't have to cater any event before the late afternoon. A look at her phone told her she had to hurry up a little so there was no time to worry about any of this right now. She would try to fix things later.

She felt nervous on her way over to Santana's, a nervousness she wasn't used to. Talking to her doctor would make things more real, wouldn't it? Hearing them talk, worrying about test results. It was an awful feeling, being so powerless, having to rely on what some person in a white coat was going to say about her best friend's future. She had never imagined being in such a situation. Life had been so carefree for her for so many years.

Brittany picked up some bagels for Santana on the way, though she herself wasn't hungry. She knew she couldn't take one bite without feeling as if she were going to throw up.

When she arrived at Santana's house, her ex was waiting for her outside. She was wearing her warm black coat, a fluffy scarf around her neck, her wig resting perfectly atop her head. Santana never left the house in a simple jeans or a sweater. As sick as she might be, her outward appearance remained flawless.

"I hope you didn't wait too long" Brittany said concerned when Santana got into her car, buckling her seatbelt.

"Not more than two minutes" Santana replied friendly, greeting Brittany with a hug.

"You nervous?" Brittany asked her, though she knew Santana probably wasn't more nervous than she was herself.

"Whatever they have to say, I'm just happy you're there with me."

Santana smiled, letting her hand rest on top of Brittany's.

Brittany didn't know where she was going, so Santana told her the directions to the doctor's office, trying to keep the mood casual with random small talk.

She nibbled at the cream cheese bagel Brittany had brought for her, even though Brittany could tell that Santana didn't have an appetite either. Some silly part inside of her wished they were going on a nice trip right now. To the zoo, shopping, ice skating... anything but this. They'd turn up the volume of the radio and Santana would sing to one of her favourite songs. Brittany missed hearing her beautiful voice. She wondered if Santana were ever going to sing for her again.

They'd have a bag with snacks on the back seat... Happy sandwiches with smiley faces in pink tupperware. Santana had always insisted they'd buy something on the way, but Brittany was a fan of lunch boxes. In the end Santana would always give in and roll her eyes, preparing the sandwiches while Brittany filled a thermos with cocoa. Then, later, when Brittany would open the lunch box, a funny face would greet her. Bread with cucumber eyes and a carrot nose. Santana may have been tough as hell, but she was also the cutest and most loving person Brittany had ever met.

But right, they weren't going on any nice trip.

"There it is" Santana said slowly, pointing at the big brown building with the many windows behind a huge parking lot.

Walking up the steps to the entrance door felt like going in slow-motion, as if her body were trying to resist going into this doctor's office. She saw the name on the plate next to the door, saw the word oncologist, and the past days were quickly replaying in front of her eyes. How had they ended up here? After seeing Santana in the mirror of the hair salon everything had happened so fast...

Santana stepped inside before her and Brittany spotted the small dark haired woman who got up from her chair to greet them.

So this was the real Loredana, the woman whom she had heard so much about... even if most of it were lies.

"You must be Brittany" the small Italian greeted her with a handshake. "Uh, I mean, Miss Pierce."

"Brittany is fine" she told her, smiling.

"Wow, you're very pretty..." she added, trying to light the mood.

Santana blushed, whispering a warning "Brit..." between gritted teeth.

"Sorry" Brittany mumbled. "I don't know what I'm saying sometimes."

Loredana had to laugh, motioning both of them to sit down on the chairs on the other side of her desk.

"How are you feeling today?" the doctor asked Santana, and Brittany could see the other woman's eyes scanning her ex-girlfriend's body. She tried to read her mind, tried to make out the tone in her voice, but she knew she could do nothing but wait.

"I'm okay I think" Santana replied, toying with her sleeves. "Still tired pretty often."

"What about pain?" Loredana wanted to know and Brittany felt her head turn hot. She hadn't thought much about the side effects. The fact that Santana was sick had been a lot to take in so the idea of her best friend suffering from actual tumour pain was something her mind had avoided.

Santana swallowed, quickly glancing at Brittany before facing the doctor again.

"My back hurts a lot when I move too much... also my arms. The occasional cramps have gotten worse I guess... but all in all it's okay. I'm taking my medication."

Brittany felt a huge lump in her throat, grabbing Santana's hand under the table, squeezing it hard. Her own hand was icy cold, as if all the blood in her body had flooded to her head, making her cheeks turn red. She could feel her own heartbeat throughout her body.

"Yeah, that's why I'm asking... if it gets worse, I'll prescribe you some stronger pain meds."

"I'm good."

Loredana's smile faded as she looked at Santana, her gaze suddenly serious.

"San, I've looked at your results and... you don't have to pretend for anyone, okay? The meds can make it better, I promise. I can add some pills for muscle relaxation, it will help with the cramps..."

It was Santana's turn to squeeze Brittany's hand now and Brittany could feel her shift nervously on the chair next to her.

"I said I'm good."

"Okay."

Loredana was staring at some papers in front of her now, taking some notes while swallowing hard.

"I want to talk to you about the test results, Santana. Would you like us to do that privately?"

"No" Santana stated, her voice firm. "I have nothing to hide from her."

"All right..."

Brittany wanted to ask questions, wanted to hear Loredana say that it was going to be okay, but she remained quiet. She didn't let go of Santana's hand, not knowing what to focus her eyes on. Loredana seemed calm and professional but something about her was upsetting. Looking at Santana wasn't an option either because she couldn't stand the expression on her face, didn't know how long she could keep up her self control. She had to be strong for her. She had to.

"Santana..." Loredana started, her eyes still fixed on the papers. "I'm afraid that... I'm afraid it turned out that the last chemo didn't quite take effect as much as I had hoped... it's..." She swallowed. "There are several more metastases in your bones and your spine, so it's not surprising you feel this pain in your back..."

Brittany bit the inside of her cheek hard, Loredana's words echoing in her mind over and over again.

"Also your lungs are affected..."

Santana raised her hand, motioning Loredana to stop.

"It's okay. Lory, it's all right. I didn't want that chemo anyway, you know that."

"What are you talking about?" Brittany blurted out, letting go of Santana's hands.

"What do you mean you didn't want it? What does this all mean anyway? I read so much about cancer, so much about liver cancer, the books said it could be healed, they said that - "

"Brittany..." the doctor interrupted her, her voice soft. "The thing is that liver cancer is extremely hard to detect in the beginning. The symptoms are usually small, mostly not noticeable enough for a patient to get worried and consult a doctor... In most cases, such as Santana's, liver cancer is detected during a routine examination... at a point when it's already too late to treat it before it gets the chance to spread, do you understand that?"

Brittany nodded, her cheeks flushed, her eyes tearing up.

"We were all hoping that the chemo would be more effective, but the cancer is very aggressive. Of course it would be possible to try another round, but I have to admit that I don't think it is going to increase Santana's life expectancy... If anything it is going to make her feel a lot weaker..."

Tears were streaming down Brittany's cheeks now and Santana tried to smile as she stroked her ex-girlfriend's leg under the table.

"Hey Brit-Brit..." she told her, her voice soft, yet close to breaking. "No tears, it's not a surprise."

Brittany felt like pushing the goddamn chair away and running out of the small and suffocating office. She pinched her skin hard, wanting to wake up from this nightmare. She would wake up, right? It was just a fucking nightmare.

Of course Santana had already told her the most terrifying facts. Of course she had told her how slim her chances of recovery were - but hearing all this out of the doctor's mouth? Too real. Too fucking real.

"We are all here for Santana's support, Brittany" Loredana tried to calm her down. "We have the most excellent doctors, even here at our local hospital. We'll all be here the whole way, you're not alone in this."

"Excuse me" Brittany breathed out, feeling her breath shorten, the lack of oxygen making her dizzy. "I... No. Can't. Need air. I'm sorry."

With that she stood up, stumbling to the door. She pushed against it, frustrated when it didn't open. Her vision was blurry but she could still make out the 'Pull'- sign, groaning as she finally managed to open it and run into the hallway. She started coughing, quickly unbuttoning the first few buttons of her blouse, scared of suffocating or fainting. She made her way over to the closest window, shaking hands ripping it open so she'd be able to breathe in some fresh and cool late autumn air.

She didn't know how long she had been standing there, her mind empty and dark, until she finally felt a warm hand on her back.

"Brit..." Santana whispered, her thumb brushing along her shoulder blade.

"I'm so sorry" Brittany sobbed. "I just couldn't hear it... I .. I wanted to be here for you and now I messed it up completely, oh god."

"No... no no, don't say that" Santana said, her chin resting on Brittany's shoulder. "I'm the one who's sorry. I should have known what she had to tell me. I never should have brought you here."

Brittany turned around, looking her ex-lover straight in the eyes. She was so brave. Santana was so fucking brave. And she herself was weak. A fucking coward who was trying to be strong for her but felt so close to breaking.

"It's not your fault you're sick."

"It's not your fault either, Brit. It's no one's fault. It's life. And life often sucks."

Brittany wondered how Santana managed not to cry. How wasn't she terrified? How did she do it?

She took Santana's hand again - which felt warm against her cold one - staring down at their entangled fingers.

"I can't even begin to imagine a life without you, Santana. I don't want it. I don't want it."

Here she was, feeling like a little child again.

She let herself sink onto the floor, back pressed against the wall behind her, and Santana sat down next to her, wrapping her arm around Brittany's shaking body. The floor was hard and cold but Brittany didn't care, she buried her head in Santana's neck, letting her tears soak the other woman's shirt.

She was going to sit here forever. She didn't think she'd ever be able to get up again. She'd just drown in this moment forever. In Santana's embrace.

She was the one who should be comforting her, not the other way around. Santana should be crying and Brittany would tell her she'd always be here for her, kiss her hair, whisper comforting words into her ear. But she didn't have the power.

How did Santana manage to make her feel so safe in a situation like this? She had always been the strong one, always held Britt close, always protected her. She had been her rock, her whole life long.

Brittany was grabbing the fabric of Santana's jacket hard, clinging to it as if her life depended on it. She wanted this feeling to go away, yet she didn't want this moment to end. Because every other moment would bring her closer to the day she'd die, right? Couldn't they find a way to stop time? To stop all the clocks on this planet?

"Ssshh..." Santana whispered, pressing Brittany closer. Brittany could feel Santana's heartbeat, could feel it hammering in her chest, so close to her own. She wished it would never stop beating. It felt like the most important sound on earth.

"You know, Brit..." Santana started, her voice barely audible. "I thought I was going to be okay with... you know... dying..."

She twirled some blonde locks around her finger, putting a small kiss on Brittany's hair.

"... but now... with you back in my life..." Santana had to smile, her gaze dropping as she took in the form of the girl next to her who had snuggled up so close to her on this dirty floor of a public hallway. "...with you back in my life... I kinda don't wanna go..."

Brittany chose not to say anything, knowing exactly what it meant. There was no turning back. Santana still loved her the same way as she had always loved her. And she felt it too. Stronger than ever before.

Xxxxxxxxx

Brittany wanted nothing more than to spend every free minute with Santana but she had clients waiting for her at the hair salon and hadn't yet gotten the chance to tell her boss that she was going to take some time off. However, Brittany was going to do that today. No doubt about it. She wouldn't be able to go to work every day as if nothing had happened, she would do everything she could to be there for Santana.

They were still sitting in the car in front of Santana's apartment, not quite willing to say good bye yet.

"We can do this, right? We can." Brittany told Santana, still feeling rather weak from all the crying earlier that day. "I told you we'd get through this together and I mean it. I promise I won't break down like that again."

"You don't have to promise me anything, Britt" Santana replied. "And I understand if you say you can't do it, I - "

"Stop. Don't even say it."

"Okay."

Santana started chuckling after a while, looking down on her lap.

"What's so funny?" Brittany asked confused, wondering what on earth would be worth laughing about right now.

"Nothing... it's just... it's kinda silly, isn't it? The dreams you have as a kid or as a teenager? The things you never do because you think you have all the time in the world to do them?"

Brittany nodded slowly, still not getting the joke.

"Did you know that for a while, when I was younger, I had this pretty ridiculous dream of owning a motorcycle and driving off into the sunset with you? I pictured you in a sexy leather jacket, how you'd sit behind me, and we'd look all kick-ass, like a real power couple. I thought one day we'd go on some super awesome Route 66 journey, hanging out in biker bars, making out in cheap motels on the way..."

She laughed and Brittany had to raise her eyebrows, yet there was a small smile tugging on her lips at this quite absurd image.

"And now look at me... I can't even play miniature golf without almost passing out. Pathetic."

"Don't think that," Brittany told her. "There are plenty of things you still can do. And we'll do all of them."

"Well, I'll certainly never own a motorcycle" Santana added with a wink.

For a second Brittany wanted to tell her they could still make out in cheap motels, but she quickly remembered that they weren't together anymore. It was so weird, being around Santana. She had been part of her life for so long that it sometimes felt as if nothing had changed. But there was someone else in her life now... someone she truly cared for. Brittany felt guilty for even having these thoughts.

"I guess I should head to work now..." Brittany said slowly, looking apologetic.

"I know" Santana replied, smiling. "Thanks for coming with me today though. I truly appreciate it. A lot."

Brittany smiled, leaning in to hug Santana. Another one of those extremely long hugs, Brittany thought. Another hug that said 'I'm scared to let go'.

"We'll talk later?"

"We will."

Brittany waited in the car until Santana had disappeared inside, staring at the door for a few moments longer after it had shut. She thought about the things Santana had told her, thought about her dreams, about how much time they might have left together, when suddenly an idea crossed her mind.

It was never too late to make dreams come true, was it?

Xxxxxxxxx

Santana had spent the rest of the day in front of the television, trying to distract herself. Part of her was still feeling guilty for making Brittany go through all of this, especially since it was exactly what she had tried to avoid by not telling her about her illness. But now that everything was out in the open, the thought of having her back in her life meant more than anything. Even if she'd never kiss her again, even if they could never be lovers again, Santana was willing to take what she could get.

Santana was startled for a second when her phone rang and she didn't recognize the number on the display. It couldn't be Brittany and it couldn't be Lory, both of them being the only people who called on her cell.

"Hello?" she asked into the speaker, half-expecting it to be someone who had dialled the wrong number.

"Santana?"

"Yes?"

"This... uh... this is Amber."

Santana felt her body stiffen. What did she want from her?

"Everything okay with Brittany?" she asked worried, immediately scared her friend had gotten into a car accident on her way to work. It would make sense, considering how emotionally mixed up she had been all day.

A sigh at the other hand.

"Yes... yes, everything okay."

"Thank god... uh... what do you want?"

There were rustling sounds at the other end and Santana wondered what the hell this call was about.

"Hello?"

"Yeah. Yes, sorry, I shouldn't have called, it's just..." Santana heard her swallow. "I'm just gonna say it... Is anything going on between you two?"

"Excuse me?" Santana asked confused. She couldn't be serious, could she? A jealous phone call?

"If so, please tell me. Gosh... I'll back off, okay? I'll leave her, as much as it'll hurt me. But I can't be in this relationship, thinking something's going on behind my back, I can't."

"You cannot be serious" Santana told her, offended. "Hate to break it to you, Amber, but I'm sick, not a home wrecker."

Silence.

"I... I'm sorry. I'm just kinda desperate and I'm sorry about what you're going through, but Brittany is not the same around me anymore."

Santana didn't know what to say, already now wondering if she should tell Brittany about this more than inappropriate phone call. Of course Brittany would be different, what did this person expect? It didn't make her a cheater.

"Listen to me, girl. I don't know you and I don't know much about your relationship with Brittany but what I _can _see is that you're obviously having trust issues. Your girlfriend has been my best friend my whole damn life and her being there for me just shows what a fucking amazing person she is. She's also the most honest person on this planet, I don't even see how you can doubt her for one second" Santana yelled into her speaker, not remembering the last time she had been that upset.

"But you're still in love with her, aren't you?"

Santana felt overwhelmed, not knowing what to think, let alone say to all this. Still in love with her? Fuck, she couldn't even let her thoughts go that way. She couldn't allow herself to consider these feelings because it would only break her heart. Of course she loved her. Of course she wasn't enjoying any of this. Of course part of her constantly felt like kissing Brittany when she was around her, but she had other things to worry about. She had to worry about death - if she let herself imagine that Brittany was sleeping with another woman every night she'd go crazy. She blocked these thoughts and feelings out with everything she had.

"I can't believe you're even going there..." Santana said slowly, her voice cold as ice. "This is crazy..."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay. Shit... shit, I'm sorry. Fuck."

Santana had to shake her head. She could hear the embarrassment in Amber's voice but that didn't make things better.

"I'll hang up now" Santana stated, not waiting for the other woman's reply as the call disconnected.

Damn, this was a fucking mood killer.

Santana lay down on the couch again, staring at the television that was still running in the background, yet not really paying attention to anything that was going on on screen. What did this person want from her? That she backed off? That she'd tell Brittany to stay away? She couldn't do it. She couldn't do it any more. It was too late for that. It'd kill her faster than this fucking cancer would.

Sometimes she wished she hadn't stopped talking to all of her other friends... that she hadn't relied on Brittany as much. What had happened to the people she'd been friends with during high school? What about Quinn Fabrey? What about Sam Evans? Or even Rachel Berry for that matter? Why had they all stopped talking at some point? Why had she shut everyone out?

She hadn't even talked to her own parents in ages. They had never gotten along very well and after their divorce and a huge fight, all three of them had gone their separate ways. Was it time to call them? Shouldn't they know their daughter was dying? Would they even give a shit?

Ugh, she shouldn't have picked up the phone. All she could think of now was that Brittany was dating someone else and that this person didn't even appreciate her, didn't trust her. Because seriously, there was no reason to be suspicious, was there? Brittany didn't love her like that anymore... Right?

Santana sighed, undressing to take a hot bath. Her upper stomach hurt and she felt like closing her eyes for a bit and enjoying some warm water on her skin.

Before getting into the tub, Santana looked at herself in the mirror as she removed her wig. Huge brown eyes were searching for anything desirable in her reflection, but they found nothing. Short hair, thin arms, bony hips and her skin a shade of yellow. Santana shook her head, turning away from the image of herself. There wasn't much left of the pretty, confident Santana Lopez, the cheerleader who had dated the beautiful blonde girl in her cheerleading squad. The beautiful blonde was now dating another beautiful blonde. Someone worthy of her beauty.

Santana stepped inside the tub while the water was still running in. She loved the sound of running water more than anything else. It was the most comforting sound on earth and there was no better feeling than closing your eyes, listening to the water and slowly feeling the tub fill around you, surrounding you with its warmth. For maybe an hour she'd be able to shut out the world and not care about anything or anyone.

Santana shut off the water. It didn't take long for her to fall into a dreamless sleep.

Xxxxxxxx

When Santana opened her eyes again, the water around her had turned cold. She groaned a little, her back hurting from having lain in the tub for longer than she had planned. She carefully climbed out, wrapping herself in a huge orange towel. A look outside the window told her it was dark and she figured she was tired enough to continue her nap in her actual bed.

After having dried off most of her body and hair, Santana put on her pyjamas and headed back to the living room to take a look at her phone which was still lying on the table. Hm. No message. No call.

Santana couldn't help but feel a little disappointed, having hoped to hear something from Brittany before she went to bed. She figured it had all been a bit too much for her friend and she most likely needed some time for herself to process the events of the day.

She made her way over to the kitchen, heated up some water to make herself a cup of tea. The green tea that Brittany had brought her yesterday, telling her some professor in Europe had healed his cancer by drinking one glass every night before sleep. Santana didn't believe in such things but the tea came from Brittany, which was reason enough to drink it.

Just as she put a bit of honey into her cup, Santana winced at the sound of the doorbell. What the...?

She wondered if it was Brittany after all, coming by to tell her good night in person, and she felt a wave of excitement in her belly. She rushed over to the mirror to see if she looked completely awful, only to realize that she did.

"You should call me first..." she muttered to herself, quickly brushing her hair as she let the door buzz open.

She peeked outside, to see if it really was Brittany and not some random stranger she had let in, but what she saw made her catch her breath.

"What on... Are you... Oh my god, are you serious?"

From one second to the next Santana had forgotten about her wet, tousled hair and her blue pyjamas. Her ex was walking up the stairs to her apartment, grinning.

Brittany's blonde hair was curly, voluminously falling over her shoulders. She was wearing tight baby blue jeans, dark cowboy boots and a black leather jacket with a little brown fox tail hanging out of one pocket. Dark make-up was highlighting her eyes and she was carrying a box, wrapped in colourful paper.

"Gonna let me in?" she asked, smiling. Santana nodded in awe, slowly stepping away from the entrance.

"Please don't tell me you're here with a motorcycle, Brit... Cause I'm pretty sure neither you nor I know how to ride such a thing."

Brittany chuckled. "Don't be silly, San. Here, open it."

Santana shook her head, not believing what her friend was doing but enjoying it nonetheless.

She carefully unwrapped the box and opened it, laughing as she found another leather jacket in it.

"Should be your size. Try it on."

Santana did as she was told, putting on the dark leather jacket that felt a little too large around her waist but definitely fulfilled its purpose.

"Look what's in your pocket!" Brittany ordered cheerfully and Santana put her right hand into her jacket to find something that felt like a little plastic toy. She pulled it out, smiling as she examined the little red thing.

"My very own motorcycle" she stated, laughing, but there was a small tear in her eye that she didn't want to let the other woman see. This was too cute for words. This was why she loved her so much.

"You like it?" Brittany asked her.

"Love it, Brit."

"Awesome!"

With that Brittany hopped next to Santana on the couch, wrapping her arm around her as she held a Polaroid camera in front of their faces.

"Hold up the motorcycle and smile" she ordered.

"Brit, I look like cr-"

"Shhh, do it!"

Santana had to roll her eyes but it made her laugh nonetheless, right when Brittany pressed the shutter button and the flash light blinded their eyes for a second.

Brittany took the Polaroid out of the camera, shaking it until the image appeared.

"There's something else in the box" she told her friend and Santana realized that there was indeed something else lying on the bottom of the package – something that looked like a book.

"What is it?" she asked Brittany, running her thumb over the green cover.

"Look inside" Brittany encouraged her and Santana carefully opened it, being greeted by Brittany's typical handwriting.

It said 'Perfect Bucket List', each letter written with a different crayon. It was so Brit.

Santana turned the page.

_No.1 – Own a motorcycle. Check._

Brittany had fumbled some sticky tape out of her pocket, gluing it on the back of her Polaroid to stick the picture next to the number in the book.

Santana looked at her, puzzled.

"I'm not quite sure I understand..." she said slowly but Brittany smiled, putting her hand on Santana's thigh.

"San..." she started, her thumb stroking her friend's knee over the fabric of her blue pyjama pants. "This..." she said, pointing at herself in her biker outfit, "...is certainly not everything you ever dreamt of. Just because this disease has decided to make you sick, doesn't mean we have to let it win, right? It doesn't mean we have to sit here and wait until... you know."

Her eyes were moving rapidly in her head, her mouth not willing to pronounce the words again.

"I love you, Santana." Brittany told her. "I love you and I want you to live your life to the fullest. I want you to enjoy every second of it."

"And how am I gonna do that?" Santana whispered, her eyes not once leaving the crystal blue ones in front of her.

"By making this list with me, San. This book." She smiled. "There are enough pages in it to fill them with the most amazing memories. I want you to write down everything you ever wanted to do in your life. It doesn't matter if it's small or big or silly or adventurous – anything. And I promise you we'll do it – I give you my word."

Santana felt the thick lump in her throat at seeing Brittany like this... here, in their old living room, on the couch they had picked out together, wearing this crazy but sexy outfit, bringing her all these things... this book..

And she was looking at her with so much love in her eyes that it made Santana's heart hurt. She wanted nothing more than to press her lips on Brittany's in that moment. Nothing more than to tell her that this would be the first point on her perfect bucket list.

"You wanna do that with me?" Brittany asked, suddenly more insecure. "Or.. or do you think it's stupid?"

"Nothing you ever did for me was stupid, Brittany..." Santana stated, covering Brittany's hand with her own which was still lying on top of her leg.

"But are you sure? This sounds like a lot of work you wanna put in this, like it's going to take up a lot of time..."

"I'm on a break from work" Brittany explained. "I talked to my boss today and I'm not gonna go back for now."

Santana smiled but the tears in her eyes made her vision blurry. She knew what it meant. Brittany was taking time off work until she'd be gone... She'd take care of her until she was dead because there wasn't much time left, right? Oh wow. Fuck.

"San...?" Brittany whispered, her thumb quickly brushing a tear away from Santana's eye before it could roll down her cheek. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Yes, I'm okay" Santana reassured her, nodding. "Let's do this then."

"Let's do this" Brittany repeated, grinning and wrapping her arms around her friend.

Santana was inhaling Brittany's smell. She smelled like hairspray and leather, like the hot biker lady she had always dreamt of when she was younger.

"Thank you" she whispered and she could feel Brittany smile against the skin of her neck.

Brittany was right. Her life wasn't fucking over. She wasn't going to spend the last few months of her life in front of the TV. Brittany was giving her new hope, new power, and she was going to use it – for both of them.

Santana Lopez would have a hell of an awesome rest of her life, however long it might be.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long again to update! I will try to be better again. Thank you Steph for being such an amazingly fast and reliable beta though!**

**Oh and special thanks to my precious mangoes. Especially B and K who gave me lots of great ideas for this chapter (and also future chapters). Heart you my honeys.**

Santana had decided that watching Wild Hogs on the couch with Brittany was definitely as good as going on a biker tour herself, maybe even better. And she didn't even like the movie. She hated silly slapstick comedies, especially if they were based on the lives of a bunch of men that were old enough to be her dad. But Brittany was having fun and she looked stunning. Too stunning for Santana to take her eyes off of her.

As much as she had been trying to deny it, the wish to be close to her ex had become so much stronger in the past days. It became too hard to ignore it. Impossible.

The thought of Amber and their awkward conversation was still occupying Santana's thoughts and she had no idea how to proceed. Should she tell Brittany? Should she warn her? Make a hint? Keep her mouth shut? Tell Brittany to fix things with Amber?

Her best friend was stuffing some tortilla chips into her mouth, making an adorable snorting noise at one of John Travolta's jokes, when Santana finally cleared her throat.

"Brit?"

"Hm?" Brittany answered friendly, holding her bowl of chips out to Santana. "I'm so sorry, I've totally kept them all to myself, so rude."

Santana had to smile. "Thanks, I'm not hungry. I was just... I was wondering if you talked to Amber today...?"

Brittany's hand froze before she could put another one of the salty snacks into her mouth. "No... why?"

Santana looked away, absentmindedly ripping the coke label off the bottle in front of her. "I just wanted to know if you two were okay."

Brittany frowned. "Why wouldn't we be?"

'Because she calls your friends behind your back and acts like a mistrusting bitch' Santana answered in her head, biting her lower lip to keep herself from speaking the words out loud.

"Because I think... I ... "

The coke label was ripped into a million tiny pieces by now.

"I just don't want you to get in trouble for spending so much time with me. I mean, I love it when you're around, but not if it means it'll cause you problems."

The frown on Brittany's forehead only deepened and she put the bowl on the table to move a little closer to Santana.

"San, why would you think that? She's okay with me being here, she knows we're just friends."

"Oh, does she?" Santana hissed a little angrier than intended, her brown eyes getting a bit of their old furious sparkle back. "I wouldn't be too sure..."

Damn, this wasn't how she had wanted to have this conversation. She didn't want to be the one telling Brittany about the call. She had hoped Amber had been brave enough by now to have an honest talk with her girlfriend.

"Where is this coming from, Santana?" Brittany asked, her voice serious now.

Santana sighed. "It's not my job to tell you. I didn't want to start this now... I ..."

"Did she call you?" Brittany blurted out, her eyelids blinking rapidly.

Great. She had told herself no more lies. She had to be honest with her.

"Yeah... but before you start questioning me - I think you should talk it out with her and not me. All I can say is that she seems pretty insecure and... yeah, a little jealous."

'Very fucking jealous and completely insecure' Santana corrected herself in her head. But this was Brittany. She didn't want to tell her any details that might hurt her. She couldn't do it. If Amber and she were about to break up, then she was not going to be the one to make that happen.

Brittany was looking down on her lap now, her previous excitement about the movie disappeared. Santana wanted to kick herself.

"I understand if you want to leave..." Santana started carefully but Brittany raised her head, a pleading look on her face.

"Honestly, San... I don't think I want to handle this tonight. With her I mean." She sighed. "I'm just so so sorry that she called you. She shouldn't have done that. None of this is your fault, that's totally inappropriate..."

"Brit, it's okay -"

"No, it's not." Brittany interrupted her. "It's not okay that she dragged you into this. And I will handle it of course... but I've honestly had enough ups and downs today, I kind of just want some quiet."

"Of course."

Brittany looked around the room, then back at Santana. The light of the television was throwing colorful shadows on their faces, neither of them listening to the movie anymore.

"I, umm..."

"Mh?"

"Would it be okay if I stayed here tonight?" Brittany asked carefully and Santana felt her heart skip a beat.

"I mean, not in your bed of course, on the couch..." she continued. "I don't want to see Amber but I don't wanna go home alone either... I can't stand the thought of being alone at the moment."

Santana nodded, a smile tugging on her lips.

"Of course you can stay Brit, always. And you can have the bed, I can sleep here, I don't mind."

Brittany shook her head, vehemently. "No way. I'll take the couch, I like it."

Santana smiled but remained quiet, knowing that Brittany wouldn't accept any other answer right now.

"Let me get you something to sleep in" she said, not able to hide the fact that Brittany spending the night was bringing a happy shade of pink to her cheeks. She knew the circumstances were sad, she knew Brittany was scared of being alone and probably scared of facing her girlfriend, but still the thought filled Santana with happy excitement.

Santana had to admit she was sort of relieved Brittany had decided to change in the bathroom and not right in front of her.

She would have told her that her blue toothbrush was still lying in the drawer under the sink but it made her feel silly so she offered her a new one. A yellow one.

While Brittany was getting ready, Santana prepared the couch for her, getting her biggest pillow out of the bedroom to put it on the sofa with a fluffy blanket. She put a bottle of water next to it on the table in case Brittany got thirsty and closed the curtains so the sunlight wouldn't wake her too early.

Santana smiled when Brittany returned, taking in the sight of her ex without makeup, her rosy skin, her hair held up in a ponytail, wearing _her_ clothes. Brittany had worn Santana's clothes countless times but it had been so long since she'd last seen her like that.

"Tell me if you need anything, okay?" Santana told her, about to head to the bedroom.

"San?"

"Yes?"

"Would you stay until... until I've fallen asleep?"

Santana swallowed.

"Yes. Of course."

Brittany smiled, her blue eyes looking tired but thankful. She snuggled up on the couch, dragging the blanket up to her chin as she buried her face in the huge pillow.

"Mmmhhh..." she sighed. "Good night, Santana."

"Night, Brit-Brit."

It didn't take long for Brittany to fall asleep, Santana could tell by the sound of her friend's even breathing, but she didn't want to get up just yet.

Brittany looked so peaceful and beautiful.

Santana's mind traveled back to the events of the day, back to the book, the list... She couldn't imagine a better time to get inspired about what she wanted the rest of her life to look like than now, with Brittany sleeping right next to her.

She sat down in the armchair right by her side, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen and started thinking, her eyes never leaving the sleeping woman. Then she started writing.

xxxxxx

Brittany woke up to the smell of fresh coffee in her nose. She opened her eyes, slowly adjusting to the light in the room. It took her a minute to realize where she was, finally taking in the unfamiliar, yet so familiar surroundings.

"Morning..." she mumbled, smiling as she spotted Santana in the kitchen, putting some croissants in the oven.

"Morning sleepy head" Santana laughed, walking over to her. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah I did" Brittany replied honestly. In fact, it was the first morning since she had found out about Santana's disease that she truly felt rested. "You?"

"Yup. I... I made a list last night."

Brittany immediately felt wide awake, sitting up and dropping the blanket to the floor.

"Awesome, let me see it!"

"I'll show you over breakfast" Santana told her, heading back to the kitchen counter to squeeze a few oranges.

It was unusual for Santana to prepare breakfast. In all those years they had been dating, Santana had always been the one to sleep long and hide in bed until Brittany would finally wake her up and drag her to the breakfast table. Still she couldn't deny that she liked waking up like that, to a domestic Santana in the kitchen.

Brittany got up, turning on the radio to have some music in the background. She liked the song that was playing and couldn't stop herself from dancing into the kitchen - music always had that effect on her.

"So, when did you get up? You look so fresh and showered and... awake" Brittany grinned.

"A little while" Santana stated smiling, putting the remaining few items on the table as she motioned Brittany to take a seat.

"Three sugars?"

"Yes, please" Brittany nodded as Santana poured the coffee into her mug.

Santana finally sat down across from her, bringing the steaming croissants with her that filled the room with a smell of freshly baked dough. A perfect start to a ... probably not so perfect day. Brittany would worry about that later.

"Here..." Santana said proudly as she shoved a piece of paper over to Brittany, sipping on her coffee.

Brittany took the list, smiling, excited to see what her friend had come up with the previous night. She scanned each point on the little paper and... couldn't help but frown.

She read it again. And another time. But the disappointment was clearly displaying on her features.

"What?" Santana wanted to know, raising an eyebrow.

"Nothing... Just... is that really what you want to do before.. I mean... these are your dreams?"

"What's wrong with them?" Santana asked, her voice not as happy as before.

"I don't know... I mean... Do yoga? Buy a new car?"

"My car is old. I've only ever bought used cars. I want something with all extras..."

Brittany cleared her throat before continuing.

"Tidy the spare room and put up new wallpaper... visit the Lima Fire Fighters Memorial Museum... eat the veggie lasagna at Breadstix..." she mumbled, shaking her head with every word that came out of her mouth.

"Find an airport on Mapcrunch?" Brittany asked hopeful, looking at Santana. "That sounds like decent fun, you wanna fly somewhere?"

"No, it's a web page that drops you off at random places on Google Maps and you have to try to find an airport... it's a challenge!"

Brittany stared at her.

"What? I've had a lot of free time on my hands in the past year..." Santana defended herself, shrugging.

"I don't know, San..." Brittany started, her voice almost sad.

"You changed your mind? You don't wanna do this anymore?" Santana asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Of course I do... I just think it's... I don't know... I thought you had more... well... exciting things in mind."

"I think they are exciting and it's what I wanna do."

"Okay" Brittany gave in. "Then we'll do them."

She put the list aside and took her phone out of her pocket, texting Amber as both of them were finishing their breakfast in quiet.

"I'm gonna try to meet up with her soon so she and I can talk things out."

"That sounds like a good plan" Santana agreed, getting up to start cleaning the breakfast table. "You wanna take a shower first?"

"Yeah. Can I borrow a top?" Brittany asked, not really wanting to get back into her biker clothes. Especially not when she was about to meet her girlfriend.

"Sure thing, you know where the closet is, pick whatever you like."

Brittany nodded and smiled, heading to the bathroom to get ready.

Her head felt empty as she was standing in the shower, letting the hot water rain down on her body. Amber had texted back, had told her to come over to her place whenever she had time. Brittany didn't know what she should expect of the meeting, didn't know if she should mention Amber's call right away, didn't know how much energy she was going to be able to put into this conversation. Her mind was still trying to imagine the next weeks, wondering if all she was going to do with Santana would be to learn how to knit or to spend money on useless items that she knew Santana neither really wanted nor needed. These were going to be her last months with her best friend, their last chance to make things as good as possible for her, but it seemed as if Santana had already given up. As if she saw herself as this sick person who had accepted to wait quietly for her last day.

She turned around so the water was splashing on her face, pressing her eyes shut to keep herself from crying. She was standing there until her skin turned wrinkly, the feeling in her stomach telling her that her body didn't feel ready to leave and face another disappointing conversation with a woman that meant a lot to her.

When she was finally dressed, Brittany walked back into the living room where Santana had started cleaning. She wondered if this was a way for her friend to distract herself. Santana, who had always been a very chaotic person with her clothes thrown all over the furniture and huge piles of dirty dishes next to the sink, now seemed to be determined to have everything in perfect order. Maybe she needed it, this kind of clarity in her otherwise dark reality.

"Want me to bring that down for you on my way out?" Brittany asked, pointing at the big garbage bag Santana was tying up.

"That'd be nice, thanks" her friend replied, giving her a half smile as she was looking at the shirt Brittany was wearing.

"You picked that out for me, remember? It was the day when - "

"...when we wanted to visit Quinn and I accidentally spilled my milkshake on your top at McDonald's" Brittany finished for her.

"Yeah."

They smiled at each other for a moment before Brittany came a step closer to hug Santana.

"I'll let you know how it goes" Brittany stated and Santana nodded.

"Good luck."

Brittany took the garbage bag and headed out the door, walking down the steps of the hallway.

Mrs. McPherson was cleaning the stairs with a wet mop, glaring at Brittany as if she were ruining all of the woman's work with her dirty shoes.

Brittany was about to greet her when she suddenly lost her balance on the slippery floor, letting out a muffled scream as she fell down the last two steps. The garbage bag went flying through the air in slow-motion, landing on the floor with a loud thud. The plastic ripped open and the whole content was spilled all over the hallway.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Mrs. McPherson yelled angrily, not bothering to ask if Brittany had hurt herself.

"You better clean that up!"

Brittany cringed, moaning a little as she rubbed her back which hurt pretty badly from the fall.

"I'm sorry..." she mumbled, immediately trying to collect the empty yoghurt cups and banana peels that were filling the air with a slightly rotten smell.

"Typical... always trouble... always the same..." the elderly lady muttered barely understandable.

Brittany rolled her eyes, not really sure how to get the trash back into the broken bag, let alone carry all of it outside to the garbage bin. Just as she was almost done, something caught her attention. It was a piece of paper with Santana's hand writing. That alone wouldn't have been too unusual, but she could make out the word 'motorcycle' on top, having a vague idea what she was looking at. She straightened the paper which was ripped in half and felt a lump in her throat. The original bucket list.

She didn't have time to read what else was written on the paper as Mrs McPherson gave her an impatient look, nervously tapping her foot on the floor. There had to be a second half. Where was the second half?

Brittany's heart was beating faster and she didn't dare look at her ex-neighbor as she spontaneously emptied the whole garbage bag on the floor to dig in it for the second part of the list.

"What on earth do you think you're doing?" the woman shrieked, her face red.

"Mrs McPherson, please, go back inside and feed your goldfish. I promise you I will clean everything up and tonight when I'm back I'm gonna scrub the whole hallway. Twice. So clean that you'll be able to eat off of it. Just please, leave me alone for a minute."

"Unbelievable. Un-be-lievable. Rude" the woman kept repeating and Brittany let out a relieved sigh when she finally heard the door to the apartment slam shut with a loud bang.

Brittany knew she would smell like trash once she arrived at Amber's place but she couldn't care less. She kept digging and searching until she found what she was looking for, not able to hold back a loud "thank god!" as she finally held the second piece of paper in her hands.

She held it next to the other one, just to be sure that it was the right one, and quickly stuffed both halves into her jeans pocket. She had no idea why there would be a second list, she had no idea why Santana had ripped this one in two and thrown it away, but something told her that it was important.

Maybe something like fate really existed. Maybe someone wanted her to find it.

Xxxxxxxxx

"New shirt?"

The look on Amber's face was cold as she greeted her and Brittany didn't miss the tone in her girlfriend's question.

Silence.

"It's okay, I know it's hers" Amber told her, shrugging.

Brittany sighed.

"Feels like we haven't talked in a while..." she started, not able to hide the insecurity in her voice.

"Well, you were pretty busy..." Amber said slowly, sitting down at the dining room table.

"You were the one who left early yesterday morning, Ams. It was pretty obvious you didn't wanna talk to me."

"Would have made no sense to talk to you about our relationship right before you take Santana to her doctor's appointment" Amber stated and Brittany nodded. "That's obviously more important..."

"Yeah it kind of is..." Brittany replied, frowning. What was she implying here? Was that sarcasm in her voice? Brittany couldn't really tell but it did piss her off. And it pissed her off even more that Amber would call Santana after such an obviously important and possibly life altering appointment.

"Didn't say anything else."

"Yeah."

They were staring at each other and the unusual coldness between them scared Brittany. Amber was such a warm and caring person. What had happened?

"I know that you called her, Amber."

Amber let out an ironic laugh.

"Of course you do. Of course she would tell you. Why am I not surprised?"

"I sensed it and I made her tell me, this is not her fault."

"Yeah, I get that you defend her."

"Oh my god" Brittany let out, shaking her head. "How can you turn this around now? It was a coward's move to call her. What did you even tell her?"

"I'm sure she already told you all the details, Brit, so don't play stupid."

Brittany's eyes widened at the other woman's words and she felt herself tear up.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that..." Amber quickly apologized.

"Okay, then what did you tell her?" Brittany whispered, pulling at the sleeves of her shirt.

"I asked her if she's still in love with you, Brit."

Brittany felt her heart pound faster in her chest.

"And what did she say?"

The words had come out faster than intended, more hopeful than intended. She realized how she must have sounded, but it was too late to take it back.

"She hung up. And I don't blame her. It was pretty fucked up to ask her that."

"It was. God, Ams, she had a totally awful morning, the doctors told her again that there was nothing else they could do for her... and you call her and make her feel guilty for something that is absolutely not her fault?"

"I'm sorry okay? Geez, I'm fucking sorry but I fucking love you, Brittany. This is messed up. I didn't mean to. You know me. Fuck, you know me and you know that I don't want to hurt anyone. But losing you? It hurts. It just hurts."

"But you're not losing me Amber, how many times do I have to tell you that?" Brittany blurted out, shocked by the tears in her girlfriend's eyes. She wasn't sure that she had ever seen her cry before.

"I already have."

Brittany gave her a puzzled look when she suddenly spotted the box on the floor behind Amber. She couldn't make out much, just a few shirts she was sure she had seen in her own bathroom a few days before.

"What's this?" she whispered, pointing at it.

"Stuff..." Amber breathed out, holding back a sob.

"Are you..." she swallowed. "...are you breaking up with me?"

Amber was looking at her, silent, tears rolling down her cheeks. She reached for her bag to get out her keys, removing one of them from its keyring and shoving it over the table. The key to Brittany's door.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am." Her voice was shaky but soft. "But I'm only doing what you're too afraid to do."

"But that's not true!" Brittany half yelled, not willing to take the key. "It's not. No!" Her head felt hot. She didn't want to let her do this. How could she do this?

"Brit..." Amber started, trying to smile. "I lost against her the moment you saw her again. I know that. And the thing is that this has nothing to do with the fact that she's sick. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're scared of losing her and want to spend her last months with her..."

She reached out to take Brittany's hand and Brittany grabbed it, not wanting to let go. Not wanting to be alone.

"...it's about the fact that she's your true love. And I am number two. I've always been number two."

Brittany shook her head, trying to protest, but no words came out.

"Even before you met her again, she was always going to be the one for you, Brit. I understand that now. And ... and call me selfish, but I want to be number one for someone."

Amber was smiling sadly, wiping away a tear.

"I would love for you to love me the way I love you... but you don't. At least not as strongly... And I'm going to let you go."

The words felt like a knife in Brittany's chest. She quickly pulled her own hand away from Amber's, crossing her arms in front of her chest protectively. Should she fight for her? Would it make sense to fight? Would it be unfair towards Amber to make her change her mind? She didn't know.

"So... are we gonna stop talking now? Completely? You'll never call me again?" Brittany asked, desperation in her voice as she was trying to hold back a sob.

"I don't know, Brit... I'm sorry... it's just... I don't think I can do this... as much as I want to... and I want to support you as a friend because I know all this is rough for you, but..."

It was obvious that words had left her, but it was just as obvious what Amber was trying to say: "I can't."

Brittany suddenly knew she was going to be alone. She knew she couldn't hold it against Amber, she couldn't expect her to be more understanding... and fuck, of course she was right, of course she loved Santana more than anyone else in this world... and it was probably selfish to expect Amber to accept this and stick around... But she didn't want any of this. She hadn't planned this. She hadn't expected to fall back in love with her ex. She hadn't expected to want a future with the one person it was impossible to have a future with.

Images of the upcoming years were flashing in front of her eyes. Years without Santana and without Amber. And it scared the shit out of her.

"Okay" Brittany finally whispered. It was all there was left to say.

She took the key, wordlessly, and removed her own key to Amber's apartment from her keyring as she was getting up from the table.

"I... uh... here's a bag for you. With... some of your stuff that was still lying around here. If I still find anything else I will send it to you of course."

Brittany nodded, the tears blurrying her vision.

Amber walked around the table, obviously unsure how to say goodbye as they were awkwardly standing in front of each other. Then she took a step forward, wrapping her arms around Brittany.

Brittany's body stiffened and she didn't move a muscle while Amber pressed her body close against hers.

"I'm sorry..." she whispered into the fabric of Brittany's shirt and Brittany closed her eyes, feeling entirely lost.

She turned around on her heel, not willing to look into the other woman's eyes again before walking out the door.

The weight of Amber's bag felt so heavy in her hands, as if it were about to slip out of her fingers.

It seemed to have become a theme. Everything was about to slip out of her hands. And there wasn't much she could do about it.

Xxxxxxxx

The apartment felt empty when she stepped inside. Brittany had no idea what to do with herself, suppressing her tears with everything she had. She had cried too much in these past weeks.

Amber had been the one to make her smile again after her breakup with Santana. She had been the first person to make her feel loved again, to make her feel safe when she had been so lost.

And now here she was, having lost another person that had meant so much to her.

Her head was throbbing and she popped in two painkillers, drowning them with a glass of water as she sat down on the couch.

What was she supposed to do? She couldn't go to work to distract herself since she had quit in order to take care of her friend. To do a bunch of things on a list that she knew meant nothing to Santana...

The list.

Her heart started beating faster when she remembered what was still waiting for her in her jeans pocket.

She had completely forgotten about it over all this emotional turmoil with Amber.

Brittany carefully pulled the two pieces out of her pocket, feeling nervous as she impatiently searched for some scotch tape to glue the list together that was still smelling like the garbage in which it had been waiting for her to find it.

The paper was dirty, but the words were still readable.

_N°1: Own a motorcycle – Check._

Underneath were several more points and Brittany slowly started reading, imagining Santana's face as she wrote down all of her ideas in the previous night.

_Design my own tattoo_

_Feed a koala_

_Learn to tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my tongue_

Brittany had to laugh.

_Paint my front door red_

_Be in two places at once_

_Spend the night at an aquarium_

_Get a pink Christmas tree_

She felt her heart grow a little warmer. Those things were cute. Somehow it was so unlike Santana to have such adorable wishes, somehow it fitted her perfectly. Somehow they sounded like things she herself would put on her bucket list as well.

_Steal a school bus_

_Have sex in a hammock between palm trees_

"Oh dear, San..." Brittany laughed, shaking her head to herself.

_Own a tiger _

_See the New York Jets win the Superbowl_

_Ride in a stretch limo and drink fancy champagne_

_Let go of a floating lantern and make a wish_

Brittany was still smiling, though she didn't quite understand why Santana would possibly rip this list in two and replace it with the most boring bucket list imaginable. Sure, a few wishes would be harder to realize than others, but they would try. Why not accept a little challenge?

She kept reading, suddenly feeling a knot in her chest.

_Swim with a gay shark_

_Kiss underneath a rainbow_

_Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower_

Those were dreams they used to have together, weren't they?

_See the July 4th fireworks on a helicopter with the woman I love_

Brittany swallowed.

_Go to Machu Picchu_

_Have a girls' night out with the Unholy Trinity_

She felt herself tear up. To anyone else this list would probably seem insignificant, but Brittany knew what it meant. She knew what every single word meant... and she knew how alone Santana must have been feeling. She knew she wanted to see Quinn again before she died. She knew she wanted to do all these romantic things and probably felt silly asking for them. Brittany wished she could hug Santana right this second.

_Apologize to my parents_

_Talk to my grandmother one more time_

Brittany's thumb was running along the paper and she could see it was wavy at some spots where the ink was slightly smeared. She knew tears must have fallen on it and she was doing her best not to add any of her own.

She could see there was supposed to be one more point. It started with a "B" but then Santana must have stopped writing.

B? What did she want to say?

Whatever it was, it was probably what had made her rip the list in the end. It was probably the final wish that Santana knew she didn't want to ask of her.

Part of her felt mad. Maybe not mad. Sad. Sad that Santana would have kept this from her. That she would have decided to go through with those entirely unimportant wishes just because she was too proud or too embarrassed to admit what she really wanted.

Brittany shook her head, not letting go of the piece of paper in her hands that suddenly meant the world to her.

"No..." she mumbled.

"No, Santana Lopez... I won't let you get away that easily..."

And with that she was out of the apartment.

Xxxxxxxxx

Santana's eyes widened at the sound of someone hammering against her door.

"Open!" she heard a familiar voice yell from outside. She frowned.

"Brit?" she asked confused, opening the door to let her friend storm inside.

"What's wrong?" Santana asked, worried. "Did something happen?"

"Yes. Yes, something happened" Brittany told her, out of breath.

Santana had to raise an eyebrow at the sight of Brittany's dirty clothes.

"Somehow you always manage to ruin my shirts, don't you?" she stated, trying to hold back a grin. "What did you fall into?"

"I fell into your garbage, Santana."

"Um...okay...?" Santana replied slowly, wondering what this was all about. "And what did Amber say...?"

"We talk about that later" Brittany stated.

"All right... what else do you want to talk about?"

Santana couldn't help but feel a little worried, not able to analyze the expression on Brittany's face. She looked a little stressed out and also a little... angry? Did Amber say anything to her? Had she done something wrong? She couldn't think of anything.

"I want to talk about why you're acting so stupid, Santana."

"Excuse me?" Santana blurted out, not understanding the world anymore. "What on earth did I do?"

Brittany didn't say anything, just put the list on the table, forcefully.

"Oh my god... how did you..." Santana stuttered, shaking her head. She felt the heat rise in her body, felt her cheeks turn red. This couldn't be true. This was scary. How high were the chances of Brittany finding it? Next to nothing!

"It doesn't really matter how, San. What matters is that you would rather visit a Fire Fighter Memorial museum with me than do the things that are really important to you. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I don't know, what was I thinking?" Santana hissed, looking away.

"This was just a silly first draft, Brit. Silly things that can't come true anyways. I wasn't thinking straight."

"You obviously weren't when you decided to rip this thing and throw it away" Brittany concluded, her voice still upset.

"You weren't supposed to see this..." Santana murmured and Brittany put her hand on her hip, a challenging look on her face.

"I wasn't supposed to see what you really want your life to look like, Santana? I wasn't supposed to see what you feel? I wasn't supposed to see what would make you happy? Explain that logic to me please... but oh wait, don't! Cause it's the same logic you used when you decided to break up with me and not tell me that you're sick. It's the same damn logic and I thought we were past this..."

Santana couldn't help but feel guilty. But what was she supposed to tell her? Was she supposed to tell her that basically every point on that list was missing a "...with you" at the end? Let go of a floating lantern and make a wish with you? Wish that we'll be together forever? Paint my front door red because it's what your favorite couple on One Tree Hill did and I thought I'd do the same for you? Kiss you in front of the Eiffel Tower? Spend the night at an aquarium with you? Get a pink Christmas tree because you always wanted one and I never allowed it? The list basically screamed "Be with me!" Oh screw this, she didn't want to cry again.

"I'm sorry..." Santana said instead.

Brittany took a step closer.

"Santana..." she whispered, taking her hand.

"Don't think I don't understand what it means. Because I do. And I want all of this. I wanna do all of this with you..." she smiled. "...even if some of those things are illegal, I think..."

A smile was tugging on Santana's lips.

"A few of those points are impossible though..."

"Nothing is impossible" Brittany corrected her, shaking her head. "We'll make it possible."

With that she let a bag drop on the table.

"What's this?" Santana asked carefully, peeking inside. What she saw made her laugh.

Cherries.

"Oh dear..." Santana mumbled, putting the little red fruit on a plate.

"It was the only thing I could still make possible tonight..." Brittany explained. "It can't be that hard, can it?" she added grinning.

Santana shook her head. "We better start trying."

xxxxxxxxxx

Three hours later both of them were sitting on the floor, surrounded by cherry pits, their bellies hurting from all the laughter and all the fruits.

"Look! It totally counts!" Santana insisted, holding up a rather pathetic looking 'knot' in the stem.

"Yeah, I think that's … okay" Brittany cleared her throat, still chuckling.

"Oh screw this, I'm sure my tongue's gonna hurt in the morning. It's not used to that much action anymore..." Santana added with a wink.

Brittany was looking at her and Santana thought she could see her blush. She looked adorable.

Somehow her legs had ended up on Brittany's lap during the whole cherry debacle and she felt a sudden wave of heat rush through her body. Brittany made her so happy... and she still didn't know what had gone down with Amber today.

"So... are you gonna tell me what happened today?" Santana asked her, carefully.

Brittany looked down on her lap, her hands resting on Santana's jeans.

"It's over..." she said slowly and Santana was glad she was done eating cherries or she probably would have choked on one of the pits.

"Over? Oh my god... Brit, I am so sorry... I don't know what to say... Are you okay?"

She wasn't sorry that Amber was gone. She wasn't sorry that Brittany wasn't going to sleep with another woman every night anymore... but she was sorry for her. She didn't want her to hurt. It was the last thing she wanted.

Brittany was looking at her and she could see the sadness in her eyes.

"I'm okay as long as I'm with you..." Brittany admitted honestly and Santana had to close her eyes at those words.

"I'll be okay as long as I have you... But I don't know what will happen after that."

Santana swallowed. It would always be like this, wouldn't it? These extreme mood swings? From lying on the floor, laughing, to lying on the floor, crying?

She could feel Brittany's hand lying heavily on her leg. She could feel her eyes drilling into her. She didn't know what to do. She knew what she wanted to do, but it wasn't right to do it, was it? Not right after their breakup.

They were staring at each other and Santana felt the tension in every fiber of her body. All she needed to do was lean over. They were already so close. All it took were a few inches and she would feel her.

Her eyes were lingering on Brittany's eyes, then on her lips, then quickly on her eyes again. She thought she could see her swallow. Could feel her hand move slightly over her jeans. It made her shiver.

"I'm always here for you, you know that right? As long as I can..." Santana whispered.

"Yes... I know. It's one of the few things I know for sure."

Brittany was squeezing Santana's leg, smiling at her, when suddenly someone started knocking at the door.

"What the fuck..." Santana murmured, looking at Brittany questioningly. "That's not Amber, is it?"

"God no, I doubt it" Brittany replied frowning, both of them quickly getting up.

Santana moved over to the door, opening it to see who the annoying intruder was.

"Mrs McPherson!" she asked, confused. "What are you doing here?"

"Where is your girlfriend?" the elderly woman asked angrily.

"I don't have a g-"

"I'm here..." Brittany interrupted her, softly pushing Santana aside.

"You said you would scrub the hallway! You promised me! And look at it, it's still a complete mess! I am _not _going to clean up those disgusting pudding stains and whatever else you left there, Brittany. I am _not _your cleaning lady!"

Brittany sighed, giving Santana an apologetic look.

"I'll be right back, okay?"

Santana nodded, smiling sympathetically as she was stroking Brittany's arm. "Okay. Do you need help?"

"No, I've got it. But I expect to find a perfect knot when I come back" she told her with a wink.

Santana had to laugh, closing the door behind Brittany and examining the mess on the living room floor. This was why she loved her. She missed it. The chaos.

She walked over to the table, looking at the rather battered looking list before taking a pen and the Polaroid camera.

She smiled as she took a picture of the little knot, shaking it until the image showed up. She glued it into her book, carefully, before writing another number next to it.

_N°2: Learn to tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my tongue – Check._

xxxxx


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thanks as always for all your wonderful and heartfelt comments, it really helps me a lot to write this story! And as always thanks to my dear beta who will never get rid of me :)**

**We're still in the middle of our fluffy bucket journey and I hope you guys are enjoying the little break from all the angst (I know that I do...) xoxo!**

**Chapter 9**

She first looked at herself in the mirror, then at her watch, then back at her reflection.

"Do we really need the leather gloves, Brit?" Santana asked her best friend who was still busy throwing a bunch of things into her black backpack.

"Do you want to leave fingerprints, San?" Brittany asked, not waiting for an answer. "Of course we need them!"

Santana frowned, straightening her tight black sweatshirt over her equally tight and black leggings. Her hair was held back in a strict ponytail, her makeup was dark – for dramatic flair. Brittany had suggested wearing Catwoman masks, but Santana had told her this might be going a step too far.

It was 2 a.m. and the streets were empty when the two friends stepped out of the house, careful not to make any noise in the hallway. Brittany was about to walk straight to her car when Santana grabbed her arm, raising an eyebrow.

"You insist on wearing leather gloves but then you want to take the car? Where do you want to park it without being noticed? In the garage? Just switch it for the bus and leave it there until we come back?"

Brittany's eyes widened as she took in Santana's words and Santana had to chuckle.

"You're cute."

The way wasn't too far so Brittany and Santana walked, shivering a little in the cool November air. Even though they had spent every day together in the past two weeks, planning to steal the school bus tonight had been rather spontaneous. Brittany had suddenly insisted that they do it tonight, and since Santana was still trying to convince her friend that she shouldn't commit any crimes and possibly get in trouble for this stupid wish – Brittany had insisted.

Santana couldn't help but think that they probably should have waited with this particular wish until the very end because it would be hard to finish the bucket list in jail – but once again all Brittany would say about this was "trust me".

And Santana did trust her. She always had. Even if she hadn't always been honest with Brittany.

They finally arrived at the huge garage where the school buses were kept and Santana swallowed. This was a bad idea, wasn't it?

"How are we gonna get in, Brit? Do you have anything in your bag to crack open locks? Should we break a window? Wait in the bushes until someone magically shows up and unlocks the gate?"

"Umm..." Brittany mumbled, chewing on her bottom lip. "Let me handle that..."

She started running to the other side of the garage, leaving Santana stunned and speechless for a moment.

"Hey!" Santana hissed, half yelling, half whispering. "You can't leave me here!"

She tried to keep up with her friend but Brittany was much faster than her and Santana quickly felt out of breath. When she finally arrived at the garage's backside, Brittany was holding a window open, smiling triumphantly.

"How on earth did you do that?" Santana queried, giving Brittany a dubious side glance.

Her friend gave her a wink, not saying anything as she climbed through the rather small window, jumping off its edge. She landed safely on her feet, grinning as she turned around and held her arms open.

"Jump, San! I'll catch you" she yelled, smiling as she heard her own voice echoing from the walls of the huge hall.

Santana still looked dubious but finally let out a sigh as she let her body slide off the edge of the window, jumping and … landing right in Brittany's arms.

They stumbled a little backwards when Santana's feet hit the ground, but Brittany had her arms wrapped securely around her. They were standing like that for a moment, smiling shyly, when Brittany finally let Santana go of her embrace.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"I can't believe we're doing this..." Santana mumbled, though she had to admit this whole experience was rather thrilling. Pretty much exactly how she had always pictured it.

To be honest, Santana had always expected herself to be the one plotting this adventure, but as it turned out, her best friend was – once again – full of surprises.

Santana looked around the hall, examining the five big yellow buses with a smirk.

"So, which one is it gonna be?" she asked slowly, taking a step closer to one of the vehicles.

"I think this one looks - "

"That one!" Brittany interrupted her, heading straight to the bus standing on the very right of the hall.

"Uh, okay..." Santana agreed, following her ex who had already opened the passenger's door to hop inside. Brittany held out her hand to help Santana climb into the bus next to her and they both stared at the steering wheel – a little helplessly.

"I think we need to start the engine, San..." Brittany pondered and Santana nodded. She probably should have made a quick google or youtube crash course on how to start a car without keys...

"Two of my cousins are in jail for stealing cars, I guess it can't be that hard..." Santana commented out loud, looking underneath the steering wheel, trying to remove the plastic shield that was protecting the electronics.

"All we have to do is play a bit with the wires to cause a short circuit and voilà, this baby will be ours..."

Brittany was staring at Santana, worried and nervous as she was chewing on her lower lip.

"San...?"

"Hm?"

"Isn't this, like, … dangerous? What if you get electrocuted?"

"Nah" Santana replied casually, waving her off as she took the wires in her hands, kneeling in the buses' foot well. She was just about to put the two ends together when Brittany grabbed her shoulder.

"Stop!" she yelled, her skin paler than usual.

"What, Brit?" Santana asked a little annoyed. "How do you want to get this thing out of here? Push it? Steal a few horses and turn this into a big yellow carriage?"

She loved Brittany but they could forget the whole thing if they didn't get this engine running very soon.

"That'd be really cute..." Brittany smiled. "But no, we could just..." She cleared her throat, putting her hand into the pocket of her jacket. "... we could just take the... uh... key?"

Santana stared at her like a deer in the headlights, then frowned.

"What's that, Brit? Where did you get those?" she asked, her gaze drilling into the woman next to her.

"I... kind of... um... found them?"

Santana shook her head.

"You're the worst liar ever, Brit. Seriously. Where did you get them?"

Brittany sighed.

"I talked the owner into lending me one for today. That's why it couldn't be any other day, because the school's on a holiday trip..."

Brittany looked guilty, not meeting Santana's eyes. "Are you mad?"

"Brit..." Santana started, not able to hold back a sigh. "You could have told me... did he also leave the window open for you?"

Brittany nodded before clearing her throat, shifting awkwardly. "I wanted it to look like we really stole it, San..." she pouted. "...but I also didn't want you to get arrested... or fried" she added, pointing at the wires.

"I can't believe they actually let you borrow a bus though..." Santana told her, shaking her head. "That's crazy, what did you pay them?"

"Nothing" Brittany replied casually. "I can be very persuasive." She shrugged.

For a moment Santana was worried Brittany might have, well, _impressed _the guy with her female charms, cringing uncomfortably at the image... but then another thought hit her.

She had been honest, hadn't she? Brittany hated lying. She had probably told those people that it was the last wish of her dying friend and they had pitied her, right? This was no bus stealing adventure, this was a goddamn pity party. A charity event.

Santana felt a lump in her throat, staring through the windshield, lost in thought.

"You really are mad..." Brittany stated sadly and Santana felt her insides turn mushy at the sound of her friend's tiny and sad voice. At the sight of her blue eyes getting teary.

Oh my god, how could she even consider complaining about this? How could she? Brittany had arranged a goddamn school bus for her and they were about to go on a freaking road trip! And Santana didn't even know for sure _how _Brittany had gotten the keys. And she didn't want to know because it didn't matter. What mattered was that the woman she loved was about to drive into the sunrise with her in a giant yellow bus and they would spend the whole day together.

Santana sighed, shaking her head as the smile returned to her lips.

"No, Brit. I'm not mad. I think you're amazing... and we're still pretty badass for doing this. I've never driven a bus and I'm not sure I can do it..."

"I can do it!" Brittany offered happily. "And you take the map and give me directions. You know I find maps confusing, we'd probably never get there with switched roles."

"Sounds good" Santana grinned. "I'll open the gate. Get that thing started!"

Brittany smiled, trying to push the key into the ignition lock. She pushed again... and again... but nothing happened.

"It doesn't fit!" Brittany whined, looking frustrated.

Santana tried it herself, quickly realizing that this was, indeed, not the right key.

"Hm, bummer..." Santana mumbled, "sure we're in the right bus?"

"He said 'take the one on the very left'" Brittany pouted and Santana had to chuckle.

"Come on" she said, smiling as she took Brittany's hand in hers. "Let's try the bus on the other left."

xxxxxxxxxx

Santana knew they had a long way ahead of them. At least eight hours of driving.

The sun was already visible on the horizon and Brittany had been driving for three hours straight now. At first it had been a little bumpy, but Brittany soon got used to the big vehicle. She looked rather tiny behind the huge steering wheel and Santana couldn't help but smile at the image next to her.

Brittany had removed her ponytail so her blonde hair was waving lightly in the cool breeze coming into the bus through the opened windows. The radio signal was bad so they were listening to one of the old mixed tapes they had found in a small box under the seat.

Sheryl Crow's 'If it makes you happy' was currently playing and Santana closed her eyes for a moment, sitting back comfortably in her passenger's seat, breathing in the fresh air and casually putting up her feet on the dashboard in front of her.

_If it makes you happy it can't be that bad –_ true.

If spending time with Brittany on the road in a more or less stolen bus in the early morning hours was making her happy, then nothing could be that bad, right? Because it didn't matter how much time they would have left as long as she felt as carefree as she was feeling right in this moment.

Santana turned around, reaching for the black backpack to get out a drink, handing Brittany a can as well.

"San, I think we're running out of gas..." Brittany stated after while, sipping on her lemonade.

"Then we better find a gas station" Santana smiled, deciding to change into some other shirt she had brought with her. She figured two girls, alone, showing up in entirely black clothes with a big bus might make a few people suspicious.

"I'll get out of this smooth criminal outfit" she told Brittany, getting up from her seat to change a little further in the back.

Just as she had removed the black top and was standing there wearing only a bra, she thought she could feel Brittany's gaze on her. She risked a short glance over her shoulder, meeting Brittany's eyes in the rear-view mirror.

"Focus on the road, please" Santana smirked, causing a rosy blush to creep on Brittany's cheeks.

Santana tried to play it down, to be flirty, but she had to admit that Brittany watching her change made her feel slightly uncomfortable. Not because she didn't trust her or didn't love her, simply because her body didn't make her feel confident about herself anymore.

No one had touched her since their breakup, no one had looked at her except for her doctors. No one else had laid eyes on what Santana had to see every morning in the mirror: a thin, sick, and unattractive woman.

The thought of Brittany possibly finding her undesirable made her want to disappear.

Hell, even Santana herself wouldn't desire this new version of her. She knew exactly how pretty and attractive she used to be, had always known how to be flirty and confident... but none of that attitude was left. She hadn't even touched herself in months, often too disgusted by her own condition or too numb from her medication.

Santana felt relieved when Brittany finally spotted a small gas station at the side of the road, waking her up from her depressing line of thought as she parked the bus right next to the gas pump.

Brittany quickly changed into a normal outfit as well while Santana tried to figure out where the gas cap was located.

"Well well well..." she suddenly heard the voice of an elderly man who had popped up right behind her. Wrinkly. Gray mustache. Jeans. Flannel shirt. Boots.

"What are you two young ladies doing here in the early morning hours, all alone in an ol' school bus?" he asked her with a strong southern accent.

Brittany peeked out of the bus.

"We stole it..." she whispered proudly, causing the man to frown and twirl his mustache around his finger.

Santana's eyes widened before she quickly started shaking her head.

"We didn't, actually, so no need to call the cops."

"Uh huh..." the man muttered, walking back to the small shop where he sold drinks and snacks.

Santana tried to focus on filling the tank with gas but as much as she tried to fight it, she felt dizzy. This often happened when she hadn't laid down for a while or when she had to handle unusual or exciting situations. She kept her eyes on the gas pump, fighting against her blurry vision. The pain in her upper stomach was becoming almost unbearable, heat wave after heat wave shaking through her body.

"Are you okay? San?" She heard Brittany's voice as if it were coming from miles away from her.

"Santana?"

"Yeah... I'm... I think I need to use the bathroom" she stuttered, before throwing up right next to the bus.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Santana's head was lying on Brittany's lap on a couch in the back of the gas station. Brittany was stroking her hair, looking at her tired friend. She felt terrible, scared, guilty. It was too much for her, wasn't it? She had underestimated Santana's disease and it made her feel sick to see her like that.

"Want some more water?" the elderly man asked Santana, a concerned look on his face as he sat down on a chair beside them. His name was Joe.

"Thank you" Brittany replied as she took the bottle from him, helping Santana to take a sip.

"It'll be okay. I'm fine. I just feel a little nauseous sometimes..." Santana assured them, still looking pale. "Will you get me my meds?"

Brittany nodded. She knew she didn't need to tell Santana what she really felt. How much it terrified her. Everything.

She watched Santana swallow each pill, studied her face to make out if she were in pain. Santana's features were tense but she brought out a smile. Always the tough one.

"We can go back, San. We can call a doctor. I don't know, I'm sure there are doctors around here, we -"

"No." Santana interrupted her. "I'm good, Brit. I'm good. We're not gonna go home."

"Okay..." Brittany whispered, her gaze dropping as Santana got up from her lap.

"I'd like to use the restroom... clean up a little..." Santana mumbled. "Then we can go on."

"It's right outside, the little blue cabin," Joe told her. "Want me to show it to ya?"

"I got it."

Joe cleared his throat.

"So what is this road trip all about, if you don't mind me asking? I've worked at this godforsaken gas station for over 35 years but never have I met two pretty young women alone in a school bus..." he asked Brittany when Santana was out of the room, cracking open a beer. What time was it? 8 a.m.?

"We're on our way to Copperhill, Tennessee" she told him. "It was her... her birthday wish" Brittany lied, not meeting the man's eyes.

Joe nodded slowly, scratching the stubbles on his chin.

"Cancer is a bitch" he finally said and Brittany started choking on her water.

"What do you mean?" she asked confused, immediately wondering if the man was psychic or a wizard.

"Sweetheart, it's not hard to see that your friend is sick... I lost my dear Carol to that son-of-a-bitch of a disease and let me tell ya, if god really exists, he and I are gonna have a serious talk if I ever get to meet him."

Brittany swallowed. She hoped Santana would stay in the bathroom for a little while longer because she was pretty sure she wouldn't approve of this kind of conversation.

"I... I'm sorry about your wife..." she whispered.

"Thanks. You know, life isn't fair. But we have to make the best of it. I know she's in a better place now."

He took another sip of his beer, stretching his legs.

"I think it's great that you two are doing what you feel like doing, ya know? What's the point in sitting at home and feeling sorry for yourself when you can go out and enjoy the day. Yeah, the world can be an ugly place, but there's a lot more than that. If I could turn back time, I'd do all kinds of crazy things with Carol. Go camping in the wilderness, make love to her under the stars, ya know?"

Brittany nodded, a smile tugging on her lips.

"And you, kiddo..." he said, his voice more serious. "You're gonna be all right. You're young."

Brittany gave him a dubious look.

"Look at me, I'm an old fart, but I'm not sad or feeling sorry for myself. I got to spend so many years of my life married to the woman I love, and I know she's not really gone. It doesn't feel like she's gone. I still talk to her and it still feels like she's listening. And I'm pretty damn sure I'll see her again, sooner or later."

"But she's too young to... to..."

"I know" Joe told Brittany, not waiting for her to say the word. "I know, kiddo. And I'm sorry. But you two are gonna make the best of it. She seems like a tough young woman to me. She's not gonna leave you without fighting. She's gonna stay with you for as long as she can, and you're gonna have a hell of a good time. A time you'll always remember. Something that no one can ever take away from you."

Brittany nodded again, quickly brushing away the tears from her cheeks as she heard Santana's footsteps in the hallway.

Then the door swung open.

"I'm ready if you are..." Santana stated as she came back inside and Brittany quickly got up, placing a quick kiss on Joe's cheek.

"Thank you" she whispered, giving the man a smile before heading to the door.

Joe walked with them to their bus, handing them two cans of beer as they climbed back into the vehicle.

"On the house" he told them with a grin. "Have a good trip. Oh, and just follow the road signs to Chattanooga, that's the quickest way!"

Santana nodded as she took the cans, thanking him for his help.

Brittany could still see Joe in the rear-view mirror as he stood there, watching them with a smile on his lips until the school bus was finally out of sight.

Xxxxxxx

Brittany had told Santana she could sleep for a while to regain some energy. Santana had tried to argue at first, but Brittany had told her that Chattanooga was a funny word she wouldn't forget, so it wouldn't be too hard to follow the road signs by herself for a while.

And Brittany was proud of herself. They had been on the road for almost six hours already and it couldn't take that much longer to finally get to Copperhill.

Santana looked peaceful as she slept and Brittany was glad that most of the color had returned to her friend's cheeks.

The mixed tape was playing some old Patsy Cline song – even though Brittany didn't know it was actually Patsy Cline singing – and the country music fitted the landscape around them perfectly.

Bright rays of sunlight were tickling her nose, yet Brittany thought she could hear the sound of thunder a few miles away. She took a look over her shoulder, realizing that there were, in fact, some thick black clouds in the sky behind them and for a minute she felt thankful that they were driving a bus and not riding a motorcycle.

Brittany's mind went back to the list and all the things they were still about to do. She was smiling at the thought of making a few of the more difficult wishes come true. It was a little like playing fairy godmother.

The thunder seemed to be getting closer and Brittany looked at Santana again, hoping that the growling sounds wouldn't wake her up. She needed the rest. Maybe she could manage the whole way by herself. Santana would be happy to realize they had already arrived at their destination when she woke up.

When raindrops started landing on her windshield though, Brittany felt a short wave of panic , having no clue how to turn on the wipers. She pressed a few buttons, shifted a few levers, but all she managed to accomplish was enabling the heater and the long distance light.

She let out a frustrated groan, deciding it was safer to take a quick stop at the side of the road until the shower had passed, not wanting to put them in any danger.

Santana still hadn't woken up when Brittany parked the bus and let her head rest on the window next to her to watch the raindrops smash against the glass.

She was looking outside, lost in thought, when suddenly...

"San?" she yelled, poking her friend. "San, wake up!"

Santana moaned a little, slowly opening her eyes.

"What happened?" she asked confused. "Are we there yet?"

"Not quite yet..."

"Did we get lost?"

"No, San, get up!"

Santana was wiping the sleep out of her eyes, staring at her friend who had pushed the door open, hopping right into the rain.

"Are you insane? You're gonna get a cold" Santana told her, frowning. "Come back inside."

"No, Santana, come outside! Just do it!"

Santana sighed, shaking her head as she opened the passenger's door and stepped out in the cool November rain.

"And now?" she asked Brittany, a little impatiently. "It's raining. Great."

"Turn around!" Brittany ordered and Santana did just that. Then she spotted it. The huge rainbow. Double rainbow even. Brittany thought she could see Santana blush.

They were in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by corn fields. On their left the sun was shining brightly, on the right the sky was painted in a dark gray, almost black. In front of the dark clouds the giant rainbow was shining in all its beautiful colors. It looked amazing.

Already now their clothes were soaked, but Brittany didn't notice it anymore. She looked at Santana who kept staring at the rainbow, then turned around to meet her eyes.

"It's... um. It's a rainbow, San."

"Yeah..." Santana cleared her throat. "Yeah, I can see that."

Brittany was kicking some small stones away with her foot, looking at the grass underneath her feet. She shrugged.

"Well... I mean... You said you wanted to... you said you wanted a kiss."

Santana nodded slowly, biting her lower lip.

"I guess that's what I said."

"I... I'm sorry..." Brittany stuttered.

"Sorry about what?" Santana whispered.

"That I'm the only one around right now... You can of course wait for another rainbow... with somebody else, I mean, I don't expect you to... I don't know if you want to... like... maybe some other day..."

Santana closed her eyes, shaking her head as she smiled.

"Shut up" she told her, her eyes teary as she opened them again. "Shut up, Brit."

Brittany felt the heart pump faster in her chest as she saw Santana walk over to her. Her hair was wet, just like her own, thick raindrops running down her skin. Her brown eyes looked a little darker than usual as they were drilling into her blue ones.

Then their faces were only inches apart.

For a second Brittany thought she could see Santana hesitate, could sense how nervous she was, but a moment later it was all forgotten.

A moment later everything felt right.

Santana's lips were on her own, softly at first, brushing lightly against hers. Brittany pulled away a little, searching Santana's eyes again for confirmation. Saw the smile on her lips. Saw the relief. The happiness.

And then their lips touched again, and it felt as if nothing had changed. As if they had never broken up. As if they had only been apart for a longer vacation and one of them finally returned home.

All the waiting. All those months. All those nights.

Brittany parted her lips, instinctively, catching her breath as she felt the tip of Santana's tongue against her own. She had missed this taste so much. This feeling. Everything about her.

She could feel Santana's hand in her hair, could feel her stroke some wet strands out of her face. A small gesture that made her heart beat even faster.

This was it. She knew it. This was the moment that changed everything. After this kiss she wouldn't be able to go back. Santana would be hers again because she knew Santana felt it too. She had to.

Santana's hand was on her neck now, pulling her closer as they deepened the kiss, their bodies pressed impossibly close together in their entirely soaked clothes in the cold rain underneath the rainbow. Their rainbow.

Brittany's eyes were pressed shut and she felt like never opening them again. It was one of those rare moments in life that you didn't want to end. One of these moments that felt as if someone had lifted a terribly heavy weight off your shoulders that you had forgotten you were carrying all these months because you had gotten so used to it.

She never wanted to get used to it again. She never wanted to be without those kisses again.

"I missed you" she gasped as they interrupted the kiss for a second. "I missed you so much. I can't tell you how much."

Santana shook her head, smiling. "Me too" she whispered. "Me too."

Brittany took off her jacket, wrapping it around Santana as she kissed her once more, smiling against her mouth as she pressed her lips on hers. She lifted her off the ground, twirling her around a little, not once breaking the kiss.

Santana was so light. Brittany thought she could probably carry her all the way to Copperhill.

She had no idea how long they had been kissing, with the jacket held over their heads like a tent. They only stopped when Brittany could feel Santana shiver in her embrace.

"We should get back inside and warm up. I found the button for the heater" Brittany stated smiling, her forehead leaning against Santana's.

"Brit?"

"Hmmm?" Brittany sighed happily.

"Brit we forgot to take a picture... for the book."

Brittany pulled away a little, giving Santana a playful grin.

"Such a shame... what are we gonna do about that?"

Santana smiled, laughed even, her eyes glowing.

"I'd say you better get that camera out here and we, you know, repeat the whole thing. Just for the picture of course."

Brittany smiled brightly, not letting go of Santana's hand.

"Whatever the lady commands."

xxxxxxxxxx

The whole rest of the way they couldn't stop smiling.

Santana's hand was resting on Brittany's leg, her thumb casually stroking it as she looked out of the window and enjoyed the view.

They didn't talk much because there wasn't much to say – enjoying each other's presence like this, with the taste of the other one still lingering on their lips was enough.

When they finally saw the Copperhill road sign, Brittany let out an excited squeak.

"We made it, San! We actually made it. We're so good!" she chanted, squeezing Santana's hand a little harder.

"You are good, Brit. I slept for a few hours and you made it all on your own" Santana smiled.

Brittany blushed. Santana made her feel so good about herself. She was one of the few people in her life who had always believed in her.

It was almost 11 o'clock, definitely time for a late breakfast or brunch. Since it was a regular work day, the small town didn't seem too crowded, so they found a parking lot that was big enough to park the bus and started looking for a nice little diner.

They walked along the streets hand in hand and Brittany eagerly took in her surroundings. It was a beautiful day, no more signs of rain, and Santana Lopez was beside her, their fingers entangled.

It didn't take long for them to find a nice little café where they enjoyed some toast and eggs with a warm cup of coffee and Brittany knew that this was what she wanted. This. For the rest of her life. Go out for breakfast with the gorgeous woman in front of her.

The cancer felt unreal. Like a bad memory of a stupid nightmare.

Right now it didn't feel as if anything were about to change. It felt like the start of something great, not like the beginning of the end. As if they had all the time in the world.

After having finished their brunch they continued their little walk, full and satisfied, until they finally spotted what they had been looking for. The reason for this whole trip.

"There it is!" Santana told Brittany. "Exciting!" she added with a wink.

On the street in front of them was a long blue line painted on the asphalt. The official border between Georgia and Tennessee.

They smiled as they reached the line, following it all the way until they reached a long bridge with a big green sign in front of it: _Ga. / Tenn. State Line – At this steel bridge the Toccoa River becomes the Ocoee River_

Brittany looked at Santana and grinned.

"We're gonna be in two places at once and above two different rivers at the same time, San. How awesome is that, hm?"

"Very awesome" Santana agreed, nodding. "Come on!"

Santana tugged at Brittany's arm, dragging her with her as she started running towards the bridge.

Brittany giggled, following her with fast steps until they were standing on the middle of the bridge, looking down at the water.

"Got the cam?" Brittany asked and Santana smiled, quickly getting out the Polaroid.

"Know what I think?" she added.

"What do you think?"

"It'd be even better if we kissed in two places at once..." Brittany told her, biting her lower lip with a shy grin.

Santana had to laugh.

"Oh, I like the sound of that" she told her before holding up the camera in front of them.

Brittany closed her eyes, sighing contently as Santana's lips found hers. _Click_.

She made a mental note in her head to scratch out the points on the list as soon they got back to the car.

_N° 3 – Steal a school bus – Check._

_N°4 – Kiss underneath a rainbow – Check._

_N°5 – Kiss in two places at once – Check._


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: A fast update! **

**I have to say, this is a rather personal chapter, the result of a few of my own stuffed up emotions.**

**Thanks again to my lovely readers for being such a great support. Only 5 chapters left and we finally made it!**

**Special thanks to Stephanie. Not only for being a very fast beta but also for inspiring me. A few of the things happening here are your fault :)**

**Chapter 10**

It was still dark outside. December had come and it was getting colder every day. Santana heard the wind rattling against her bedroom window and moved a little closer to Brittany who was sleeping next to her in bed.

The red lights of her radio alarm clock illuminated the room just enough to make out the silhouette of her sleeping girlfriend.

Yeah. Girlfriend. Santana figured she could call her that again.

Brittany was shifting a little on the mattress and sometimes Santana wondered if Brittany could feel her eyes on her. It was as if she were unconsciously trying to wake up whenever Santana looked at her for a little longer, as if her senses were on full alert and her body trying to wake up to be there for her friend.

When Brittany's eyes fluttered open, Santana kissed her forehead.

"Sleep some more. It's early."

Brittany came closer and nuzzled her head against Santana's chest, wrapping an arm around her thin body.

"But you're awake too" she whispered, her fingertips slowly stroking up and down Santana's bare arm.

Santana sighed, her chin resting on Brittany's head, blonde hair tickling her. She enjoyed being close to her, she enjoyed it so much because it felt so right to lie next to her... but something inside her kept holding her back.

Their trip in the not-so-stolen bus had been wonderful and the kisses had made her happier than she had been in a very long time. And there had been more kisses afterward. They had kissed every day.

Still, Santana had been scared to take their relationship any further and she couldn't even explain why. It wasn't that Brittany had tried to push anything. They had cuddled, they had stroked each other softly before falling asleep together... but Santana had made sure to keep her clothes on.

She did want Brittany. She did want to feel her. But she wanted things to be as they used to be. She wanted to be the person she once was, not the woman she was now.

Her eyes were fixed on the chair in the bedroom, her clothes and her wig carelessly thrown on the seat, while Brittany started kissing Santana's fingertips.

"I like the sound of the wind..." Brittany told her between kisses. "It makes me wanna stay cuddled up in bed with you all day..."

"Mmhh..." Santana mumbled, her heart beating faster.

What would it mean to sleep with her again? It would bring them so much closer. It would make things so much harder. Make it so much harder to let go.

Santana could feel Brittany breathe against her neck, could feel her press herself even closer against her body.

The sound of the wind became louder, just like the sound of her own heartbeat in her ears. It felt as if Brittany were surrounding her completely, her hands slowly wandering up her body while she placed soft kisses along Santana's jawline.

Santana pressed her eyes shut, trying to focus on the feeling.

It felt good. Fantastic even. But still she felt her eyes get teary.

She wanted to tell her to stop. Wanted to tell her to wait. That it was a mistake.

The truth was, Santana felt depressed.

Some days were okay, some days were not so okay, some days she just wanted to disappear. Of course everything had become better since Brittany was back in her life, of course she gave her so much strength every day... but as hard as she tried to fight the feeling, the sadness and self-hatred often washed over her and there was nothing she could do about it.

Sometimes she felt like shaking Brittany, felt like telling her to pack her things and leave before it was too late.

"Look at me, I have nothing to offer you" she wanted to tell her. "What do you want here? Go and live your life, Brit. Go and be with someone great. Go before I get weaker. Go before you'll see me lying in bed connected to machines. Before I'm too weak to eat. To talk. Just go!"

In her head she had so often yelled these words at her. But she also knew her head was screwing with her. She knew in her heart she wanted Brittany more than anything in this world. She knew she wanted to finish the bucket list with her. But some days her body betrayed her.

She had tried to get up, tried to move on to another item on the list, but her body wouldn't let her. It felt like being paralyzed. As if head and body were no longer willing to cooperate. As if all she could do was stay in bed forever.

And Brittany had been so patient with her in those past weeks. She had tried to talk to her about her feelings, and when that hadn't worked she had tried to distract her. With silly things. With funny anecdotes. With movies. With freshly baked cookies. With everything she had.

At least they had managed to paint their front door red the other day. Santana had felt a little bit better and they had bought the shiny red color together before dressing up in old white clothes, arming themselves with two extra huge paint brushes.

Brittany had folded them two big hats out of old newspapers. They had looked ridiculous but, Santana had to admit, also ridiculously cute.

Of course the paint had ended up all over their clothes, their faces, their hair - and the hallway. Mrs McPherson had completely freaked out, had told them she'd call the landlord, but somehow Brittany had managed to calm her down. It was something she was really good at, calming other people down.

They had giggled a lot, had kissed each other with red painted noses... until Brittany had suggested showering together. And Santana's smile had frozen on her lips.

Brittany didn't ask again.

Santana was fisting the sheets now, trying to control her heartbeat and her emotions while Brittany was kissing her way up to her earlobe, softly caressing the skin with her tongue.

It was fucking unfair.

She was 25 years old. She wanted to shower with her girlfriend, wanted to sleep with her and enjoy it. Wanted this suffocating fear to go away. Wanted to live.

"Are you okay?" Brittany whispered, interrupting her kisses to look at Santana who had opened her eyes again.

"I'm so sorry..." Santana whispered back. Looking at Brittany's sad blue eyes hurt in her chest.

Brittany tried to smile, softly brushing some strands of brown hair out of Santana's face, behind her ear. She kissed her nose as her thumb was lightly stroking along Santana's chin.

"It's all right. Everything's fine, okay? I promise."

Nothing was all right. Nothing was fine. But they both knew it. And it was still good to hear Brittany say it.

Santana nodded before Brittany's lips found hers again. Just one kiss, telling her "I'm here for you". It was enough.

"I'm going to take a shower, okay?" Brittany asked. "And I have to run some errands soon."

Santana swallowed and nodded, hating the thick lump in her throat.

Brittany got up and suddenly the bed was empty and cold.

She wanted to tell her to come back. Wanted to tell her not to leave. To stay with her. To kiss her. To touch her. To make her forget about everything. To get her heart to slow down. But no words came out of her mouth.

Santana closed her eyes again when she finally heard the water running in the shower.

Xxxxxxx

Brittany was waiting in front of the white door, her hand resting quietly against the wooden material.

She swallowed, not sure whether to knock or just leave.

She felt a shiver run through her body, even though the building was heated and her coat was supposed to keep her warm. It was one of those fast shivers that started at the back of your neck and quickly shot through your spine, all the way down to your feet.

Then she knocked.

"Come in!" she heard the friendly voice from inside and slowly opened the door, still a little hesitant.

When she stepped inside she could see the surprised look on the small woman's face, her dark brown eyes staring at her questioningly.

"Brittany..." Loredana said, getting up from her seat with a frown on her forehead.

"Everything okay? Is Santana..."

"Santana is all right" Brittany assured her, silently closing the door.

"Okay, good" the doctor smiled, pushing back the chair on the other side of her desk, motioning Brittany to take a seat.

"How can I help you?"

Brittany sat down, trying not to look around the room too much to avoid being overwhelmed by the memories from her last visit.

"It's about Santana, obviously..." she started, toying with the scarf around her neck. "I wanted to ask you something..."

"What is it?" Loredana asked friendly, leaning back in her chair.

"Okay... so..." she stuttered. "Santana and I... we're doing this... well, we're kinda trying to do a lot of things... to like... yeah. Things she wants to do... before..."

Loredana nodded.

"Santana wants to see Paris" Brittany blurted out, biting her lower lip. "But... like... I don't want to take her to Europe if... yeah, I wanted to check with you first. I don't wanna take her there if you think that..." She sighed. "Do you think it's too much for her?"

The doctor smiled, still nodding slowly.

"I see..." she mumbled, her frown indicating that she was thinking carefully about her answer.

"To be honest, Brittany..." she started. "I'm not sure if it's a good idea... You know, this would be quite a big trip... and while I think that Santana's been remarkably strong lately, I do think that a trip to another continent might come with a few risks. I'm not gonna lie, I think regarding her condition it might be safer to stay in the country."

Brittany swallowed.

"I know there are good doctors everywhere," she continued, "but it might get complicated... it might be better for her to stay as close to her own doctors as possible. I think you should consider it very carefully. It'd be a long flight, most likely a lot of stress..."

"It's okay" Brittany interrupted her. "I understand. That's why I came here. I was afraid you'd say that."

She looked down on her hands which were shaking slightly, biting the inside of her cheek. She had expected it. The doctor was right. She had to accept this, right? As sad as it was.

"Brittany..." Loredana said, a smile tugging at her lips as she reached over the table to take Brittany's hand. "I think it's remarkable that you want to do this for her. I think it's amazing what you two have and what a great support you are for her."

"Yeah..." Brittany breathed out. "But it doesn't change anything. I mean, there's nothing I can do to make her better."

"That's not true" Loredana told her, shaking her head. "You've already done more than you can imagine. I mean... the latest test results... they were really good."

Brittany looked up, her blue eyes glowing with hope. Good? Good results?

"They were?" she asked, barely able to hold back her excitement. "She's getting better? Tell me she's getting better!"

Yeah, she knew Santana was still in pain quite often, Brittany knew that. She was often tired, often weak, but maybe the medication really did its work. Maybe the doctors would change their mind. Maybe she could really try another chemo. Maybe it was that green tea. She had made sure that Santana drank it every night before sleep.

Loredana closed her eyes for a second before continuing.

"No... I mean... that's not what I meant."

Of course not.

"Brittany... Santana isn't going to get better... but she's not getting worse at the moment."

"This is not exactly what I was hoping to hear now..." Brittany answered slowly, trying to swallow down the inevitable lump in her throat.

"I know... but listen to me..." Loredana said, her voice calm and friendly. "It's already a small miracle."

She smiled.

"You know, when Santana was first diagnosed...and then, when the chemo didn't do its work... honestly... I expected her to have only a few more months left."

Brittany stared at her, trying to stay calm.

"I expected her condition to get worse quickly because the cancer had already spread that far... and even though I'm still young, I've had a lot of different patients in my career, a lot of patients with a very similar condition... and believe me when I say this, Santana's strength... it's amazing. It's remarkable."

It was good to hear her say these words, but it also hurt so much.

"And seriously... since you've come back into her life..." Loredana said, squeezing Brittany's hand. "Since you're back... it's as if you're giving her even more strength. It's as if her body is fighting this cancer with every fiber. Things could be a lot worse at this point. But the way it looks right now, I am fairly certain that you will still have time with her... I mean, considering the circumstances. More than I ever thought possible."

Brittany had tried hard to numb her emotions for the visit, but of course she couldn't keep the tears from welling up.

"You can be so proud of what you two have and what it's doing to her."

Brittany was brushing away the tears with her sleeve, shaking her head.

"But I don't feel as if I can truly help her lately... I don't... I mean... she's so sad. Sometimes it's okay, but then, like, she just sits there and stares... she doesn't want to get up... she doesn't want me to touch her..."

She let out a sob, making a fist in her pocket. She didn't want to cry in front of this doctor again for god's sake.

"I'm sorry, this is probably too much information..." Brittany quickly added, looking away.

"Hey, no, it's all right" Loredana told her, still stroking Brittany's hand reassuringly. "But Brittany, really, this is normal, trust me. I know that Santana loves you more than anything... I mean, I've never had such a close relationship with any of my patients and it's more appropriate to keep a professional distance... but I'm telling you this as a friend and not as her doctor, okay? Santana always wanted to be with you and all this strength she's showing... it's the strength she's getting from her love for you."

Brittany nodded. Stupid tears. Go away.

"Fear and depression are very common side effects of cancer," Loredana stated. "When she heard the diagnosis for the first time... and then, when she ended things with you... believe me, Santana was a mess. She talked to a therapist and she learned to cope with it, but it was hard. She was so close to giving up, so often. But it's not like that anymore. I've seen the changes in her."

"I just want her to be happy," Brittany told her, her voice shaking.

"I know that. But you have to try to understand that it has nothing to do with you. She's as happy as you can possibly make her. But she's scared. Even if she doesn't want to admit it" Loredana explained.

"Death is a scary topic. Nobody knows what happens after, you know? Nobody knows when it's going to happen. She's scared of leaving you. Scared of how you're going to deal with it..."

"But she shouldn't worry about me, she should focus on herself..."

"Of course she's worried about you, Brittany" Loredana continued, smiling softly. "That's why it's important that you two are totally honest with each other. That you talk about what you're afraid of... that you talk about the future."

"Yeah... yeah, I guess." Brittany nodded.

"And..." Loredana cleared her throat. "About the touching... being close to her..."

"Mhh?"

"I know it's hard, but keep trying to make her feel comfortable with herself. Many cancer patients experience this and it's hard for both, the patient and their partner. The medication is one part of it, lack of sexual desire can be a common side effect... but then there's the other side, the changes in the patient's body. Many people who've been through chemo and experience losing their hair, losing weight, occasionally losing control over their own body... they have a very different picture of themselves than they've had before. Even if you probably still see Santana as the beautiful woman she's always been, it is not the same for her."

Brittany shook her head.

"She's the most beautiful person I know," she stated honestly.

She couldn't stand the thought of Santana feeling that insecure about herself. She wanted to run home and tell her that. That looking at her still made her knees weak. That she had never desired anyone as much as she desired her.

"I believe you mean that" Loredana said, giving Brittany's hand one more squeeze. "And she's going to believe you too. Just give her some time. Just try to show her what you truly feel and I'm sure she will be able to trust you enough to let you come a little closer again."

It was hard to take, this journey into Santana's head. And as comforting as Loredana's words were, all Brittany wanted to do was take the pain away from her girlfriend - because right now? Right now it was as if she could feel every bit of that pain in her own body and her own heart.

"Thank you..." she whispered, not knowing what else to say. "Thanks so much for talking to me."

"Any time" Loredana assured her. "Really, whenever you or she need advice or just need to talk, you know where to find me."

"Yes... yes, thank you."

Brittany got up from her chair, Loredana quickly following her example.

The doctor held out her hand for Brittany to shake it, but Brittany quickly wrapped her arms around the smaller woman, pressing her close against her body. She didn't care that this was almost a stranger. She needed this right now.

She took a deep breath when the door to the doctor's office closed behind her.

What was she supposed to do now? Santana wanted a kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower and she was going to get a kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower. She'd find a way.

Her mind was working hard, going through all possible scenarios, when suddenly she had an idea.

Yeah. This might work.

Brittany grabbed her bag, quickly searching for her phone. She turned it on, then opened her facebook app.

She knew what she wanted to do, but Brittany also knew she could use some help.

Xxxxxxx

Santana still hadn't moved, was still lying in bed. She had fallen asleep, had woken up after a few hours just to find that Brittany still hadn't returned, then fell asleep again.

It was late afternoon by now and Santana was starting to get worried. This was odd.

Brittany often left the house when Santana felt like staying inside, but usually she came back after a short time when she had shopped for a few groceries or had run some other errands.

How long had she been gone now? Seven hours? Eight?

Had she scared her away? Did she need space? Was it getting too much for her?

Santana buried her face in her pillow.

This was just fucking perfect. She had dragged Brittany down with her, hadn't she? Because she couldn't move her fucking ass out of bed. Because she was so fucking unmotivated. Because she hadn't shown any interest in any other bucket list points. Because she sucked. Fuck this.

She dragged the blanket over her head, sweating under the warm material. She didn't care about the lack of oxygen, she just wanted to shut out the world. She'd just wait in her little cave until Brittany returned. She'd try to apologize.

_If _Brittany returned.

Santana was so caught up in her own anger with herself that she hadn't noticed Brittany coming back inside, storming into the bedroom.

"Sorry I've been gone so long, but now it's time for you to get up!" she almost yelled, ripping the curtains open and letting the late afternoon sunlight stream into the room.

Her girlfriend's unexpected voice almost gave Santana a heart attack and she carefully peeked out of her blanket, frowning as she saw Brittany opening a suitcase and throwing all kinds of different clothes inside.

"What on earth are you doing...?" she asked, her eyes trying to follow Brittany's fast movements.

"Honey, you need to shower. We're leaving. I know you probably wanna protest, but you're gonna like this."

Santana shook her head, the blanket still pulled all the way up to her chin.

Brittany noticed Santana's lack of movement and dropped the dress in her hand, looking at her. Then she smiled and hopped onto the mattress next to her hiding girlfriend.

"San..." she started , slowly pulling the blanket away to crawl underneath it herself.

She kissed Santana's cheek and took her hand in hers, wrapping her arms around her.

"You've spent enough time in Snuggleland" she told her. "I like it too, and I absolutely want to go back here, but right now I have a surprise for you."

Santana had to smile a little at the woman whose fingers were pulling her close, whose grin was so big it was contagious.

"Brittany Susan Pierce, you've had too many surprises for me in these past weeks..." she told her before Brittany's lips found her own and her eyes shut, instinctively.

"And you liked all of them, didn't you?" Brittany mumbled, her mouth still pressed against Santana's.

Santana had to smirk. Yeah. Yeah, damn it, of course she had liked them.

She nodded.

"Okay, okay... I'm getting up."

"Perfect!" Brittany squealed, quickly throwing the blanket off of the bed. She hopped off the mattress again, standing next to Santana as she held out her hand to help her girlfriend get up.

Santana sighed, accepting the hand as she was quickly pulled out of bed.

Brittany was still smiling, wrapping her arms around Santana's body as she positioned another kiss on her cheek.

"You look beautiful today" she whispered and Santana couldn't deny that it felt good to hear her say it.

"But now go shower, I will take care of the rest!"

Brittany gave her a playful slap on her butt as she pushed Santana into the bathroom and Santana couldn't help but chuckle and shake her head.

How did she do it?

How did she always make the impossible possible?

How did she manage to make her feel as if all of her previous sadness was just a silly and unnecessary waste of time?

Santana really had no idea.

She took her time in the shower, tried to enjoy the water on her skin, washing away the dark thoughts. She took in the smell of Brittany's shampoo which was filling the bathroom, let the soft foam run down her body. She watched it disappear down the drain, hoping it would take all the bad feelings with it.

She rubbed her hair dry when she was done, wondering what Brittany was up to.

Her girlfriend had finished packing and was looking at some stuff in her purse when Santana came out of the bathroom.

Santana was moving over to the mirror to put on her wig when Brittany looked up, coming closer to stand behind her, both of them looking at their reflection.

"You don't need it..." Brittany told her, smiling softly. "You look great."

"I don't know..."

"I do know" Brittany stated, her voice firm. "I love your hair. I love you."

Santana felt her body fill with comfortable warmth, smiling shyly.

"Okay..." she said slowly. "Okay, I'll leave it off."

Brittany smiled at her in the mirror, kissing her neck.

"Thank you."

They were standing like that for a moment, just looking at each other, when the sound of a car honking woke them from their little trance.

"That is our cab" Brittany said, grinning. "Let's go."

"How long are we gonna be gone?" Santana queried and Brittany gave her a wink, entangling their fingers.

"Just for a day. We'll be back tomorrow night."

Santana smiled, deciding not to ask any more questions for now.

Brittany locked the door behind them, then hopped down the stairs with fast steps.

It was already dark outside. A cool winter night. The sky was clear and the cab waiting for them in the driveway.

"I really wanna know where we're going..." Santana said as she opened the back door, freezing as she looked inside.

"Get inside!" a cheerful voice told her and Santana thought her heart must have stopped.

"We're going to Vegas!"

The voice belonged to Quinn Fabrey.

Xxxxxx

Santana still couldn't believe what was happening when the plane had almost landed four hours later. She couldn't believe Brittany had managed to arrange a last minute flight. She couldn't believe she had contacted Quinn and that Quinn had been spontaneous enough to do this with them.

She had felt entirely insecure at first, not knowing what to say, not knowing what Quinn knew about her, but her friend had made it very easy for her.

Quinn had talked non-stop, told her that she had wanted to call them so many times in the past years but never had the guts to do it. That she was proud to have finished her studies but that she was in between jobs now, visiting her mother for a few weeks. That she had been in a relationship with some church guy but that he had been driving her crazy in the end. That Brittany's message had been like a sign, like a small relief she had been waiting for all this time. The perfect chance to let loose a little and clear her head. That it was so good to see them again.

Santana had laughed a lot and it was as if nothing had changed. Quinn was still Quinn, even if she seemed more mature and a lot more confident about herself.

"By the way, I love the new haircut. It really suits you" Quinn told her as she was looking out of the window, watching the plane move closer to the earth again.

"Thanks" Santana replied, glancing over to Brittany who was holding her hand, smiling.

"This is gonna be so much fun!" Brittany exclaimed happily, letting her head rest on Santana's shoulder.

"Absolutely" Quinn agreed, grinning. "Never been here. Always wanted to go."

Being surrounded by her two favorite blondes made Santana's stomach tingle with excitement.

Vegas.

She hadn't actually thought of going here before. Why hadn't she? She totally should have put it on the list herself.

They didn't have to waste any time on waiting for their luggage as they had only brought luggage small enough to serve as handbags.

"I don't even know what I wanna see first!" Brittany twittered, barely able to keep her feet still. "There must be so many good shows. And I'm hungry. I wanna eat. And dance! I wanna dance. Can we dance?"

Santana chuckled.

"I guess we should try to do as much as possible. I slept all day, I'm full of energy."

Brittany smiled as they were standing in front of the airport, looking around. Quinn was keeping her eyes open as well, scanning the area.

"Should we take a bus or something?" Santana queried, but Quinn and Brittany just looked at each other with a knowing grin.

"A bus? Are you kidding?" Quinn laughed. "We're more classy than that."

When Santana spotted the black stretch limousine she immediately understood what her friends had been up to.

"Oh god... how?" she asked them, shaking her head in disbelief.

"I have connections" Quinn replied with a wink.

Santana couldn't believe she would have spent tonight in bed. Now she was in Vegas, being led into this crazy fancy car, greeted by a friendly chauffeur in a black uniform and hat.

"Ladies..." he told them, holding the door open.

"There's champagne, there are snacks... Just suit yourself and enjoy the ride."

Holy hell, this must have cost them a fortune. For a second Santana wanted to worry about Brittany's money, wanted to worry about the fact that her friend seemed to be spending all of her savings to make her happy... but then she looked at her. Saw her face. Saw her smile. Her excitement. And somehow she knew.

This wasn't only about making her happy, it was about being happy together.

Quinn opened the cork of the bottle with a loud popping sound as the driver had taken off, some of the sparkling liquid running down her fingers. She grinned.

"Girls, your glasses please!"

Santana knew that getting drunk wasn't the wisest decision but she was going to allow herself one drink.

"Cheers. To a fabulous night!" Quinn exclaimed, clonking their glasses together.

Santana enjoyed the warm feeling of the bubbly in her stomach, not hesitating to give Brittany a long and passionate kiss.

"You two still can't keep your hands off of each other..." Quinn smirked, taking a sip herself.

"Oh... we've... we've actually been broken up for a year and only recently got back together..." Brittany explained, smiling shyly.

"I'm glad you did" Quinn told them honestly. "You two belong together. You always have."

Santana smiled, looking at Brittany. "Yeah, I guess we have."

All of them were enjoying the tour, opening the window above their heads.

Santana was the first to get up and look outside, completely overwhelmed by all the colorful lights and the energy surrounding her. Everything was full of people, full of laughter, full of music.

The shadows of the shining buildings were reflecting on her face and she closed her eyes for a moment, taking in the breeze on her face and the different smells and sounds. It was better than anything she had imagined before. Maybe it was her company that made it so good.

"So... what hotel are we staying at?" Santana asked when she climbed back onto her seat, her cheeks rosy.

Brittany's smile brightened.

"What do you think?" she told her, biting her lower lip, grinning.

"The Paris Hotel."

xxxxxx

All the impressions had been almost too much to process. It was late, but Vegas was wide awake.

They had managed to get tickets for the Cirque de Soleil show and Santana didn't know what had made it that good, watching those crazy talented artists fly through the air or listening to Brittany's constant oohs and aaahs. She figured it was the combination of both.

Brittany was getting a little tipsy and Quinn and Santana had to chuckle several times because their friend wasn't able to shut up. She blabbered happily, dragging them from one bar to the next.

They had tried to play a few slot machines at the Casino but in the end they had left more money at the place than they had earned.

It didn't matter. As cheesy as it was, Santana already felt lucky enough. At least tonight.

When they were finally in a club with a big dance floor, Brittany's excitement reached its climax.

It had been so long since Santana had seen her dance. Too long. She had missed it.

She had to admit that she was beginning to feel exhausted, but she was doing her best to keep her strength. She watched Brittany dance with Quinn, watched them laugh, enjoyed the feeling of the loud bass in her veins.

Her girlfriend looked stunning, and as tipsy as she was, it was fascinating how much control she had over her body, how she became one with the music and sexily moved over the dance floor without any effort.

She felt Brittany's hands on her hips, felt her press her body against her from behind as their hips moved in unison.

"You're so sexy..." Brittany breathed into her ear and Santana felt herself blush. Brittany had called her sexy a million times but,... but it had been a while.

"I've seen people stare at you..." she continued, her hands running up and down the side of her body. "I don't like it... but it also makes me proud... 'cause you're here with me. 'Cause you're dancing with me..."

Santana shook her head.

"I don't think anyone's staring, Brit... If anything they are looking at you, because you're pretty damn flawless."

"Uh-uh!" Brittany exclaimed, turning Santana around so she was facing her, holding her close as they danced.

"See that chick over there? Earlier, when I was getting another drink, I heard her talk about you. She said you were hot, she was thinking about coming over to you and asking you to dance..."

Santana frowned.

"You're making that up..."

"I wish" Brittany told her, kissing her cheek as she let her hands disappear in the back pockets of her girlfriend's pants.

"But I told her you're here with me... and you know what?"

"What?" Santana swallowed.

"You can't see it, but her face... she's looking right at us, frustrated that I get to touch your cute butt."

"Brit!" Santana exclaimed, rolling her eyes but Brittany started giggling.

"I'm sorry, I think I had a bit too much of that bubbly... but I'm not lying..."

Santana shook her head again but she couldn't help but grin.

They danced like this for a little while longer while Quinn was busy trying to tell some guy that she wasn't going to give him her number.

As much as Santana wanted to dance with Brittany all night, she knew she had to sit down and have some water if she didn't want to let the weakness wash over her.

"Brit... I need a break..." she told her, getting up on her tiptoes to kiss her forehead. "But please, keep dancing. I'm just gonna sit down over there and get a drink."

Brittany looked concerned.

"Are you sure? I can totally sit down with you!"

"I'm sure. No worries, I'm gonna help Quinn get rid of the weird douche over there, I'm sure she'll be thankful" Santana explained with a wink.

"Hmm.. okay" Brittany finally agreed, placing a quick kiss on Santana's lips. "But tell me if you wanna leave, we can leave whenever you want to... or need to."

"I'm good" Santana promised, smiling.

She walked over to Quinn, placing a hand on her hip as she looked at the grinning guy in front of her.

"Sorry man, she's here with me and it's time for you to leave."

The guy was trying to protest but Santana hushed him, putting her finger on his lips.

"Nuh-uh. Don't try to argue Potato-Face and don't even think about asking if you can join us"

Quinn laughed when the man disappeared with a disappointed look on his face.

"Thank you!" she exclaimed relieved.

"You're welcome" Santana grinned, sitting down on the bar stool next to her friend.

Santana could feel Quinn's eyes on her, could see her smile from the corner of her eye.

"You having a good time?" Quinn asked her when Santana had ordered her water.

"Totally. It's the best night ever."

"I agree" Quinn said, nodding. "I'm glad you're enjoying it. And so glad you let me come with you."

Santana took a sip from the cold water, her eyes fixed on the dance floor. On Brittany. It was always a pleasure to watch her, even from the distance.

And it was surprising how much she enjoyed being here with Quinn. It was weird, but it felt as if she could trust her. She had always trusted Quinn, even if they had almost ripped each other's hair out during some fights in their teenage years.

Santana found herself overwhelmed with the sudden need to talk. With the sudden need to tell her everything. With the wish to get so many things off of her chest.

The three of them were great together. Even after all this time.

She felt her body getting hotter. She was nervous.

The music was loud, it was cheerful, but it felt as if time had stopped for a moment. As if things around her were happening in slow motion and as if it were only Quinn and her in the room. Her heart was pounding in her chest.

"Quinn...?" she started, swallowing hard.

"San?" Quinn replied, her features more serious. As if she had noticed the switch in Santana's mood right away.

"I think... I think I need to tell you something..." Santana continued. "I think... you should know what this trip is about."

Quinn looked down at her drink, staring at the bubbling liquid. Santana could see her take a deep breath.

"I know what it's about, San..." she brought out slowly, taking a huge sip.

Santana was gripping her glass a little harder. Seriously? She had told her?

"But..." She stopped, clearing her throat.

"You.. you didn't say anything. You didn't act like you knew... you..."

Quinn turned around on her chair, facing Santana. Her eyes looked sad all of a sudden and keeping her gaze felt like a challenge.

"Would you have wanted to talk about it?" she asked her. "We had an amazing night, San. It was the best night I've had in a very long time. And it wasn't about anyone being sick... it wasn't about fulfilling any wishes on some list you and Brittany made. It was just about the three of us. Just about three old friends having the time of their lives."

Santana felt her cheeks turn hot. She wanted to cry.

"You're still the same Santana I knew and loved back in high school. Nothing has changed and nothing is going to change it. And if you want to talk about it... then I'm here... then I'll be here."

Santana bit the inside of her cheek hard in order not to lose it in the middle of this club. She tried to focus on the dance floor again, searching Brittany in the crowd who was still smiling, still enjoying her night, still lost in the sound of music.

She didn't dare looking at Quinn again and she could see that Quinn was doing the same, facing the dancing people.

"Quinn...?"

"Hmm?"

Santana closed her eyes for a second, her fingernails digging into her flesh as she was making a fist, her hands shaking.

"Will you..." she swallowed. "...will you look after her when I'm gone?"

They both kept looking at the ditzy blonde in front of them. At her careless smile. The happiness on her features.

"Of course I will."

Santana didn't need to look at Quinn to know that she was crying.

"I promise you I'll be there for her. She's won't be alone. I promise, Santana."

Santana thought her heart might be about to explode.

"Thank you" she whispered.

She didn't know if Quinn could hear it over the music but when Quinn's hand ended up on her thigh, squeezing it, she took Quinn's hand in hers and she knew it would be okay.

She knew Brittany was going to be okay.

Xxxxxxxxx

All three of them were tired when they finally made it to their hotel.

"Here we are..." Quinn said, pointing at the huge building. And it wasn't hard to recognize, considering they were looking at a big Eiffel Tower.

Sure, it wasn't as big as the real one, but it came pretty close.

"It looks amazing" Santana admitted, looking over to Brittany who was already digging for the Polaroid.

"Will you take a picture of us?" Brittany asked Quinn, not waiting for a reply as she pressed the camera against her friend's chest.

"Of course" Quinn said, smiling.

Brittany looked at Santana, taking her hand as she led her over to the tower.

"I'm sorry it's not really Paris..." she whispered, concerned blue eyes searching Santana's.

"Brit... It's better than that. It's perfect."

Brittany smiled, relieved.

"Okay you two..." Quinn announced. "Smile for the camera... or wait, no. Kiss for the camera!" She winked.

Santana took in the sight of her girlfriend in those beautiful surroundings, then looked over to Quinn who was waiting to snap the picture.

Another point on the list.

Another step closer to... to finishing the list.

Life could be beautiful. Yeah. Sometimes she wished she didn't have to leave.

Sometimes it was worth it to leave her bed. She was glad she had people in her life to remind her of that.

"Come on, kiss me!" Brittany smiled and Santana didn't need any more encouragement than that.

She wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, closing her eyes as Brittany's lips met hers.

Tonight all three of them would sleep together in the same room and they would wake up together and there would be a new morning.

She kissed Brittany with everything she had, willing to enjoy every one of their kisses, willing to appreciate every waking minute with her.

And she didn't stop. She kissed her until she felt Quinn tapping her shoulder, rolling her eyes.

"You can stop now, I have the picture... In fact I already had it five minutes ago..."

Santana didn't reply, she just turned around to wrap her arms around Quinn.

They stood there for a moment, hugging, until they felt another pair of arms around them and Brittany's blonde hair tickling their faces.

"I really like Paris..." Brittany mumbled and Santana smiled as she heard Quinn whisper next to her.

"Me too."

_xxx_

_N°6: Paint my front door red – Check._

_N°7: Ride in a stretch limo and drink fancy champagne – Check._

_N°8: Have a girls night out with the Unholy Trinity – Check._

_N°9: Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower – Check._


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Oh god. Endless thanks to sinanna for being the effing best beta ever. Your brilliant ideas, your great writing skills - love everything about working with you, seriously. THANK YOU.**

**Also: nayleyjun, going to dedicate this one to you. you're one of my most faithful readers and I suppose you're gonna like one particular part in here ;)**

**4 chapters to go...**

**xxxx**

**Chapter 11**

It was the 24th of December and Brittany woke up with a smile on her face. She loved Christmas. And she loved Christmas with Santana.

The year before she had spent the holidays alone with her mom, still heartbroken because of their break up. Of course the circumstances this year weren't perfect either and part of Brittany was aware of the fact that this might be the last Christmas she and Santana would spend together - still she wouldn't let this ruin her mood. She was going to make sure that they had a great time, enjoying the Christmas spirit to its fullest.

It was a Monday and Brittany placed a quick kiss on Santana's forehead before jumping out of bed and getting ready. She was waiting for one particular Amazon delivery - their Christmas tree.

While she was waiting for the parcel service, Brittany started preparing breakfast and texted with Quinn. Their friend had gone back to New Haven about a week ago but she had promised to come visit as often as possible. The three of them had spent a few more days together after their trip to Vegas and already now Brittany was missing her. She was more than happy to have Quinn back in their lives and she knew Santana felt the same way.

She put on some cheerful Christmas music and nibbled on one of the snowman shaped cookies Santana and she had baked together the previous night. Then the doorbell finally rang.

The packet was huge and rather heavy and Brittany had trouble carrying the thing upstairs. When she finally managed to free the tree from its cardboard and styrofoam, she looked at the pink branches with a satisfied smile on her face.

"I see we have a tree..." Santana said as she came into the living room, wiping some last bits of sleep out of her tired eyes.

"It looks awesome, San!" Brittany chirped happily, jumping on her feet to walk over to Santana and place a good morning kiss on her girlfriend's lips.

"Wanna help me decorate it?"

"Do you even have to ask?" Santana replied, grinning, before quickly searching for the box with tree decorations.

_Brit Brit and Santana's X-Mas Stash_ was written on it in crayon with a few colorful drawings next to it. It made Santana smirk.

They put the tree in the middle of their living room and started wrapping different light chains and garlands around the branches. Already now the tree looked chaotic, considering that most colors looked rather crazy if you combined them with pink, but they didn't care. It was their tree, and to them it looked more than charming.

Brittany was wearing a reindeer sweater and had to smile at the fact that Santana had put on a pullover with red and white stripes. Her girlfriend had never been a big fan of Christmas outfits but this year Brittany didn't even have to ask for it.

When 'All I Want for Christmas Is You' started playing on the stereo, Santana started singing along and Brittany felt her insides turn warmer. It had been so long since she had last heard her sing and she had missed the sound of her beautiful voice.

Santana hadn't realized that Brittany had stopped decorating and was just sitting there on the floor, hugging her knees in front of her chest to enjoy her girlfriend's singing. Only when she started looking for some purple Christmas tree baubles in the box did she notice Brittany's lack of motion and the blue eyes that were fixed on her. She blushed.

"Hey, you getting lazy?" Santana asked, smiling shyly.

"Don't stop singing..." Brittany replied. "It's beautiful."

"Err... thanks..." Santana mumbled and Brittany quickly joined the chorus to avoid any potential awkwardness.

"Can we put the Christmas duck on top?" she asked grinning and Santana nodded.

"Of course."

When the box was empty, the two of them stared at the result in all its shining glory. Pink, purple, blue, yellow, red... a real rainbow tree. Brittany loved it.

"Should we put the presents underneath?" Santana asked and Brittany bit her lower lip.

"Um... actually... I can't."

"Oh, I see, you didn't get me anything..." Santana replied teasingly, holding back a grin.

"Of course I did!" Brittany pouted. "...but I can't put it there. Not yet."

"Fair enough" Santana said, shrugging. "Mine isn't exactly shaped like a real gift either..."

With that she disappeared in the bedroom, quickly returning with an envelope wrapped in a huge red bow. She put it under the tree anyway and stepped next to Brittany, taking her hand in her own.

"We're gonna have great holidays" Santana stated and Brittany nodded, squeezing her girlfriend's hand.

Santana felt nervous as they were standing in front of the Pierce's house, waiting for Brittany's mother to open the door.

Her father was, as was so often the case, on a business trip in Bangkok. Santana knew Brittany hated it when he was gone over the holidays. Thankfully the first few snowflakes had started falling earlier that day, so at least Brittany was happy about the possibility that she might be able to build a snow woman with Santana later that night.

When the door finally swung open, Santana tried her best not to tear up. She loved Eliza Pierce almost as much as she loved her daughter. The woman had always treated her as if she were part of the family and she had spent countless nights at their place when they were younger. She hadn't seen the woman in over a year, yet Eliza was looking at her with so much warmth in her eyes, Santana felt relieved. It was like coming home.

"Santana... god, it's so good to see you. C'mere!" Brittany's mother exclaimed, happily wrapping her arms around her daughter's girlfriend.

"It's good to see you too," Santana smiled, enjoying the hug while it lasted.

"Oh lord, you're making an old woman cry. Let me just say - I was so mad at you and Brittany for breaking up because it meant I didn't get to see you anymore" Eliza blathered, still squeezing Santana a little harder than necessary. "I made your favorite casserole. You still like my casserole, don't you? I left out the garlic, so you and Brittany can totally kiss and - "

"Thank you!" Santana interrupted the older woman before she could take the explanation any further. "I've been craving that casserole for months, Liz."

"Perfect" the mother replied, ruffling Santana's hair. "Love the new style. Let's go inside. Hi sweetheart!"

"Hi mom" Brittany answered smiling, giving Eliza a peck on her cheek.

The room already smelled like food and Bing Crosby's voice was filling the air with some classic Christmas tunes. The table was set, candles were lit, presents were wrapped. Just as in good old times.

Eliza was filling each of their glasses with a bit of red wine before disappearing in the kitchen to get the food out of the oven.

Santana smiled at Brittany, taking a sip of her drink as she heard the first few words of 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' playing on the stereo. By far her favorite song.

She wished she had appreciated these holidays a little more when she had still had the chance. She wished she had made the past years more magical for both of them.

Now she was running out of time.

Santana swallowed.

What had she done last year? What had she been thinking?

She had been lying on her couch, watching Mission Impossible on DVD without really paying attention to it. There had been no decorations; there had been no food. She had been bitter.

At some point in the late evening her phone had rung, her mother's name showing up on the display. Christmas and her birthday had been the only days Gloria had tried to call her since their big fight, but Santana had never had the strength to pick up. Especially not after getting her diagnosis. The topic had been done for her, once and for all, but now... now things were different.

She had come back to life, had given herself another chance at happiness.

And she was looking at Brittany's mother, watching her hug her daughter, watching them giggle - and as much as she loved both of them, she missed her own family.

"Sweetheart, what's on your mind?" Eliza queried when she realized that Santana hadn't touched her casserole.

"Nothing..." Santana started, picking with her fork at the food. "It's just that... I'm truly happy to be here, but..."

"You're missing your mom" Eliza finished for her as if it were the most obvious conclusion on earth.

"Yes... I mean, no... you've been like a mother to me, Liz..." Santana explained, "I just feel as if... I'm wondering if it's too late for me to... to make things right."

Brittany was squeezing her leg under the table while her mother was shaking her head, smiling.

"Santana... let me tell you this from a mother's perspective..." She put her own fork down and looked Santana straight in the eye. "There is no point in time a mother stops loving her own daughter. If I were in Gloria's position, the whole situation would be killing me. I know you both have said things that you regret and that were hurtful, but I know for sure that she thinks of you every day, hoping you will show up on her doorstep or give her a call."

Santana's gaze dropped as she shook her head, sighing.

"I don't know... I've hurt her... and... how much is it going to hurt her to hear that..."

She couldn't finish the sentence, the big lump in her throat making it hard to swallow.

Brittany was still stroking her thigh and Santana grabbed her hand under the table, needing the touch for comfort.

"It's going to be rough for her, no doubt about that," Eliza started again, pouring some more wine into everyone's glass. "But Santana, she will find out, sooner or later. And in this case, sooner is definitely better than later. Look at me, Sweetie."

Santana swallowed hard, meeting Eliza's eyes again which were as teary as her own.

"Give her another chance. I'm not saying do it right now, I'm not even saying you should do it tomorrow or this week, but at least consider it. Give her a chance to make things right, to be a good mom to you for at least a little while longer. To hug you and comfort you. That's what moms are for, you know? We put our babies into this world for a reason... we want them to be all right. And even if we don't always agree with the choices they make or the things that they do, even if they drive us crazy sometimes - we want nothing more in the world than to be there for them and to know that we've done everything in our power to make them happy."

Santana blushed when she realized a tear was rolling down her cheek.

"It's just that... in the past weeks... things have become so different... I... I think I've changed. Brittany changed me..." Santana looked at her girlfriend, smiling shyly. "Yeah, you did..." she whispered.

"I mean, I've accepted my disease... I've accepted what's going to happen... but somehow I can't accept the thought of leaving this place without having sorted out things with my family first..."

"Santana... that's good, but don't do it with the cancer in the back of your head... don't let that be your only motivation..." Eliza said slowly. "Do it because of your family and because you miss them. It's still your life, Sweetie, it's not just a big to-do list of things that need to be handled... do it because it's what you feel is right for you, and do it when you're ready. Don't pressure yourself. And we're both here for you, you know that."

Yeah, Santana knew where her girlfriend got her big heart from.

"Thank you."

xxxx

Brittany was staring at the Christmas tree in front of them, leaning over to kiss Santana's cheek. Santana had to smile at the gesture, glad to be cuddling up on the couch and ending Christmas Eve with just the two of them.

The way home had been nice. It had snowed a little more, and even if it wasn't enough to build a snow woman, it had still been enough to cover the streets in a pretty sparkling white that looked amazing with all those beautiful Christmas decorations in their neighborhood. Enough to cause that amazing creaking sound under her shoes as she walked. And enough to put a smile on her girlfriend's face.

She was reflecting on the evening and their time with Brittany's mom and it was so weird to think that her time was limited. That she wouldn't be having Christmas dinner at the table in the Pierce's dining room five or six years from now... maybe not even next year. That they would be living their lives without her. That she'd be nothing more than a memory.

Eliza would be a great grandmother, Santana was sure of that. She would love to see the woman take care of her own child, spoil him or her with silly presents and teach the little Pierce-Lopez some of her wise views on life and love. It hurt like hell to think about it, but Santana truly hoped Brittany was going to have children one day, simply because the kid would be more than lucky to grow up around the two most lovable and kind-hearted women she knew.

And maybe they would tell the kid about her. That there was once this girl named Santana Lopez and that she could be a bitch and a pain in the ass, but that they missed her. And that she would have loved to get to know him or her. Maybe they'd tell the little one some funny stories from when she and Brit had been young... and maybe she'd still be a part of their lives, even if it was only sometimes, over dinner or during Scrabble nights.

She squeezed Brittany's hand a little harder.

Part of her hoped that being dead really meant simple darkness. That she'd just be gone. Because she didn't think she'd want her soul to be floating around in space, having to watch people live their lives. She'd miss Brittany too fucking much. Too much for words.

Santana let her mind drift back to earlier in the evening...

"_So..." Eliza cleared her throat. "I think I'm gonna put on my favorite Rock Christmas sampler, what do you say?" she said grinning. _

_Brittany's mother was no fan of sadness or bad mood. And it was truly hard to stay sad around her._

"_Brit, honey, will you go into the living room and push the furniture aside? I wanna dance to 'Run, Run, Rudolph' with my two favorite girls. Shake off those bad holiday calories." _

"_Sure!" Brittany replied, nodding and smiling, before running over to her mother and whispering something into her ear that Santana couldn't understand._

_Eliza replied something and gave her daughter a wink before laughing in Santana's direction._

Santana ran her fingertips up and down Brittany's arm before softly nudging her shoulder.

"So what was that whispering about earlier?" she asked her, trying to sound casual and not as curious as she felt.

Brittany shifted nervously in her seat, avoiding her gaze.

"Whispering?" she replied, pretending not to know what Santana meant.

"Oh come on, Britts. First you and your mom whisper and laugh, then Eliza starts distracting me with her joss stick collection and you disappear. By the way, did you know she has joss sticks that smell like weed? Just sayin'..."

Brittany started giggling. "Okay, okay, you got me... well..." she looked at her watch. "It's almost midnight, so we might as well start now."

"Start with what?" Santana queried before realizing it was almost officially time for their gifts.

"I wanna give you your present!" Brittany stated and Santana laughed.

"Okay then, I must say I'm a little curious..."

"Gimme a sec!" Brittany chirped and ran out of the room.

Santana waited patiently, then her eyes widened when she saw Brittany coming into the room, carrying a medium-sized basket with a big bow. She could see that her girlfriend was careful not to drop it, walking over to the couch on tiptoes.

"Merry Christmas, San..." she whispered, putting the basket down between them.

Santana looked inside and frowned before realizing what she was looking at.

"He's asleep..." Brittany added, smiling, and Santana felt her heart beat a little faster.

It was a tiny kitten, snoozing peacefully, wrapped in a fluffy red blanket. Its fur was light brown with some dark brown stripes, it looked almost like …

"I thought we could name him 'Tiger'!"

Santana grinned. Yeah. A tiger.

"I think 'Tigger' might be more fitting, actually..." she replied, carefully petting the small cat's head with her index finger.

"A real tiger was really hard to get" Brittany pouted. "I called a few different zoos but all they offered me was a sponsorship for one of their old Asian tigers or their polar bears..."

"I love him, Brit..." Santana whispered, swallowing. "He's so small..."

"He's only a few weeks old" Brittany said smiling. "He's gonna be our baby."

Santana nodded. "Thank you so much, Brit. Really."

"You're welcome, and I'm so happy you like it. Actually I've got the whole trunk full of equipment. Food, toys, a cat tree..."

"He's gonna have a good life here," Santana told her with a wink. "...but now... I still have something for you."

She got up to grab the envelope that was still lying under the tree, her hand shaking slightly as she handed it over to Brittany.

"Please tell me if you hate it. Really, be honest, it's okay if you don't want to, I mean -"

"San!" Brittany interrupted her. "I haven't even opened it yet."

"Right. Sorry."

Brittany carefully unwrapped the bow and extracted a little piece of paper from the envelope, slowly unfolding it. She read what was written on it and Santana could see the emotions change on Brittany's features.

"San, that's... it's..."

"A coupon for a tattoo, yes." Santana finished for her. "And I understand if you don't wanna do it, I mean, you never said that you wanted a tattoo... I just thought it... it would connect us..."

Santana had spent a long time thinking about what she wanted her tattoo to look like. She knew it was about time that she herself started taking a point on the list into her own hands. Designing her own tattoo was the obvious choice.

But she didn't want anything too simple... She didn't just want something tribal or some ugly tramp stamp. She wanted it to mean something to her. And there was nothing in the world that meant more to her than Brittany.

She had thought about getting Brittany's first name tattooed on her chest, but then decided that this was silly and not very creative. A portrait? No. Definitely not, they usually turned out super creepy.

Then, one afternoon while Brittany had been out running errands, a new thought had hit her. She didn't want a tattoo on her chest, not on her arm... she wanted it to be on her pinky finger. And she wanted the other part to be on Brittany's.

She had taken a piece of paper and tried out a few phrases, a few different designs, but then decided to go for the most personal thing she could think of. Her own handwriting on Brittany's finger, and Brittany's handwriting on hers.

"What do you want the tattoo to say?" Brittany asked, searching Santana's eyes.

Santana cleared her throat, her cheeks turning hot.

"I thought about... 'Love forever … unbroken by distance'." She cleared her throat again. "Do you.. um... do you like it? Please, be honest."

"It's perfect, Santana" Brittany whispered. "I'd be honored."

Santana felt as if a heavy weight had just fallen off her chest and she laughed, quickly wiping away some tears with the back of her sleeve.

"It's the most beautiful Christmas gift you've ever given me..." Brittany added before wrapping her arms around Santana.

"I love you," Santana told her and Brittany placed a kiss on her shoulder, mumbling "I love you too."

Santana carefully put the basket with the sleeping Tigger on the floor before looking at Brittany again. She was so beautiful and somehow she felt silly for having been so distant in the past weeks. She could see it in her eyes, could see that the woman in front of her loved her more than anything in this world and she didn't know why she had been so insecure all this time.

Not once Brittany had acted weird around her or made her feel uncomfortable, in fact she had done everything in her power to be there for her and make her smile every single day.

She didn't know what to say, how to express what she felt in this moment, so she just leaned over to kiss her once more, closing her eyes to enjoy the feeling of her girlfriend's lips against her own.

Brittany's lips parted right away and Santana deepened the kiss, sighing softly.

Her hand was lying on Brittany's thigh, slowly caressing it as she let her fingertips run up and down her girlfriend's leg.

She could feel her heart beating faster in her chest, nervous about what was going to happen. All she knew was that she wanted to be close to her, wanted to touch her, wanted to feel Brit's skin against her own. She wasn't sure when the last time was that she had felt it so strongly, the need to be with her. The need to be one.

"I want to make love to you..." she whispered against Brittany's lips, cupping her cheek with her hand as she let her thumb slowly run along her chin.

Brittany pulled away for a second, her blue eyes searching for some kind of final confirmation.

Santana nodded, smiling shyly, and Brittany smiled back at her before grabbing the hem of her own shirt and pulling it over her head in one fluid movement.

Santana bit her lower lip at the sight in front of her. Her girlfriend in jeans and a purple bra, looking at her with flushed cheeks and pouty lips, chest heaving slightly.

She quickly got rid of her own shirt before moving closer and placing soft kisses along Brittany's cleavage. She took Brittany's hands in hers, entangling their fingers, as she let her tongue run along her collarbone, appreciating every inch of soft porcelain skin.

Santana pushed one purple strap off Brittany's shoulder, caressing the exposed skin with her lips, before slowly reaching around her girlfriend's body to unclasp her bra.

The living room felt hot but all Santana could think was that she felt alive. Truly alive for the first time in months.

Brittany moaned softly when Santana's mouth closed around one of her nipples, nibbling and sucking, and Santana could feel her hand on her neck, grabbing a fistful of brown hair as she was urging her on.

It felt as if nothing had changed, it still felt as if Brittany were her perfect counterpart. The way their bodies moved together so easily had always amazed her and she knew she could let herself go. Completely.

Brittany was stroking Santana's hair, smiling, as she herself opened Santana's bra and pushed her softly against the sofa.

"You're so beautiful..." Brittany whispered. "I love you so much."

If she had thought her heart had been beating fast before, it was nothing compared to the hammering in her chest as she noticed Brittany fumbling with the fly of her pants. She could feel her fingertips against her belly and the excitement was driving her crazy.

"I've missed this..." Santana breathed out. "I hadn't realized how much I truly missed this."

Brittany smiled as she slowly opened the zipper, kissing her way down to Santana's belly button and slowly pulling the jeans down her girlfriend's legs.

She kissed her way up again, caressing the inside of Santana's thighs in the process, before quickly removing her own pants and underwear.

Her blonde hair was falling into her face as she carefully moved on top of Santana, kissing her and parting her legs with her own thigh.

Their kisses had become more passionate and Santana couldn't wait to feel her finally. She took Brittany's hand and slowly led it down between her legs, not once breaking their gaze.

Brittany didn't need more encouragement than that, one of her fingers slowly disappearing into Santana's panties.

"Ohh.." Santana sighed, pressing her eyes shut at the feeling of her girlfriend's fingertip against her clit.

She was stroking her softly, up and down, and Santana knew she must be extremely aroused, considering how easily Brittany's finger caressed her most sensitive spot.

It felt as if her whole body were on fire, all senses on overload. How long had it been? Too fucking long.

Santana kissed her hungrily, bucking her hips, wishing she'd go a little faster, wishing she'd fill her up completely. Already now her fingernails were digging into Brittany's back and they had just started.

She figured Brittany could sense how impatient she was as she finally pushed a finger inside, slowly, going deeper inch by inch. Santana held her close, pressed her body against Brittany's, before dragging her head down to whisper into her ear.

"Brit... don't worry... I'm not gonna break..."

If Brittany was holding back because she thought it might be too much for Santana, then she had to prove her wrong. She didn't feel tired or exhausted; part of her felt like her old self again. Like the Santana she had wanted to be but who had disappeared somewhere into a dark and bitter hole. But not now. Not tonight.

Brittany smiled, nodding, before adding another finger and pushing it all the way in, a little faster, a little harder than before.

"Ohh.. yes. Yes. Like that."

Santana soon started panting, eyes closed again, as she focused on the amazing feeling of being as close to her girlfriend as possible. She wanted this moment to last forever.

She pushed her own leg up, slowly rubbing it against Brittany's wet center as her eyes fluttered open again. She wanted to see her. Wanted to see the look on her face as she moaned, the passionate sparkle in her pretty blue eyes as she rubbed herself against her.

And Brittany did just that, finding her own rhythm as she started riding Santana's leg, her fingers still trying to bring Santana closer to the edge.

Brittany knew her body so well, even after all this time. She knew exactly how to satisfy her, knew exactly what she loved, what would make her eyes roll back into her head.

"You're so hot. Fuck, I love you. I've missed you. Love you so much" she panted against Santana's neck, her breath hot against her skin.

Her thumb was on Santana's clit, her hips moving faster, her moans shorter.

Santana realized she had almost forgotten that this was the best part of having sex with Brittany - watching her getting close, watching her come undone. And the fact that she was the one who brought her there, that she was the cause of that pleasure, it never ceased to amaze her.

"I'm so close... I'm gonna... I..."

"Me too, Brit..." Santana whispered, pulling Brittany in for another kiss. She pressed her lips on hers as hard as she could, muffling a deep groan as her own orgasm washed over her. Oh fuck. Why hadn't they done this sooner? Why?

It felt as if her body were leaving the sofa, every tiny muscle in her body tensing at once, mixed with this one particular indescribable feeling. And she was sharing it with the one person who meant everything to her. What could be better? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Brittany just lay on top of her for several minutes, trying to catch her breath, and Santana enjoyed the feeling of the sweat slowly cooling her skin.

Why couldn't she just stop time? Why couldn't she just stay with her like this, forever, her arms wrapped around Brittany's exhausted body, softly stroking her back, kissing her forehead, listening to her breathing?

Brittany raised her head to look at her, smiling, her eyes a little tired. She kissed her nose.

"That was amazing. So good. If I weren't so tired I'd totally want to do it again."

Santana laughed, kissing her once more.

"I promise we'll do it again tomorrow morning. And tomorrow afternoon. And tomorrow night. And the day after tomorrow."

"I like the sound of that!" Brittany stated, smiling brightly.

"But oh my god, now I'm so hungry... do you mind if I warm up some of the leftovers in the microwave? Do you want some?"

"Let me fix it for you!" Santana suggested, getting up to walk over to the kitchen. She didn't even think about putting on clothes anymore.

Brittany smiled as her eyes ended up on their book. She quickly opened it, grabbing a pen to cross out some more points on the list.

The loud 'ping' of the microwave indicated that the food was done and Santana carried it back into the living room, sitting down next to her girlfriend who was staring at the list in front of her, obviously lost in thought.

"What's on your mind?" she asked, wondering what was putting the frown on Brittany's pretty forehead.

"I wanna ask you something..." Brittany started slowly, taking the plate from Santana and stuffing some of the casserole into her mouth. "Thanks, by the way."

"You're welcome. So... what's up?"

"The last point on the list, San. I... I honestly don't believe you when you say you don't remember what you wanted to say there..."

"Brit..." Santana sighed. "Really, it's... it's nothing. Can't we just forget about it? We have enough points left that we can worry about..."

Brittany shook her head, putting the plate on the table as she came closer to Santana, letting her head rest against her shoulder.

"Honestly, San... if you don't want to tell me... then... can I add something to the list myself? I mean... it's Christmas after all... Can I make a wish?"

Santana frowned, looking at her curiously. Yeah, Brittany had managed to grant her so many wishes already, the least she could do was try to grant her one as well... but what did she want?

She nodded slowly.

"Yeah. Sure. I mean... yeah. Add whatever you'd like."

Brittany sat up, looking Santana straight in the eye as she took the red pen, the list on her lap.

Something told Santana that she wasn't going to wish for a baby duck or an elephant ride. Something told her that this was more serious and she could feel herself getting nervous.

Brittany's pen touched the paper where the 'B' was still written in Santana's handwriting and Santana could see her swallow as she finished the point.

Then she looked up at her, blue eyes searching her own, expectantly, completely vulnerable.

'Be my wife' was written on the list and Santana's heart skipped a beat.

"What do you say...?" Brittany whispered, her voice shaky.

Santana didn't know how much time had passed until she found her voice again. She didn't know if she should tell her that this was exactly what she had wanted to write. 'Being your wife.' She didn't know anything anymore.

"Hm?" Brittany tried again when there was no response, nervously biting her lower lip.

"Brit... I … I don't know what to say."

"Say what's on your mind..." Brittany told her, crossing her arms in front of her still naked chest. "Do you want to marry me...? Or... would you rather not?"

"Brit... of course I want to marry you..." Santana stuttered, her cheeks burning. "But... I ... I can't expect this from you, I mean, it's too much, we won't have much time, we-"

"Santana" Brittany interrupted her, her voice firm. "I love you. You're the love of my life."

She was looking into Santana's eyes with pure honesty, the lights of the Christmas candles reflecting in her shining blue eyes.

"I've loved you my whole life and even when we were still young, I knew I wanted to marry you. It probably sounds stupid, but it's true."

She swallowed.

"I want you to be my wife. I want to be your wife. We don't know how much time we still have, but nobody knows that. No one who gets married knows how much time they're gonna have. One person could suddenly become sick, could get in an unexpected accident... they might get divorced. All I know is that I love you with everything I have and when I look back at my life, I wanna be able to say 'I married the woman of my dreams'. It's not about time, Santana. It's about love. And I have a lot of that to offer..."

Santana's eyes were teary, yet she had to laugh.

"Why are you so much smarter than me?" she asked Brittany, quickly brushing away a tear.

Brittany's smile brightened. "Is that a yes?"

"Yeah... yeah it's a yes, Brit. It's a yes."

Brittany dropped her pen and the list, wrapping her arms around Santana, breathing into her neck. "Thank you. I promise I'll be a good wife, I promise."

She was holding her close, pressing her body against Santana's while placing kisses all over her face and neck.

"But I don't have a ring. I'm sorry, I ... it was so spontaneous now... but I will get you a ring, San. A big one. A shiny one with diamonds and everything..."

"Shh.." Santana whispered, squeezing Brittany's hands. "I don't need a ring. Not now. Just kiss me..."

xxxxxxx

_N°10 - Get a pink Christmas tree - Check_

_N°11 - Own a tiger - Check_

_N°12 - Design my own tattoo - Check_


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I know I'm super slow with my updates but I'm definitely going to finish this story - no worries. **

**Thanks Steph for all your ideas! Heart you. And I heart each and every one of my dear readers!**

****Only 3 chapters left and I need your honest opinion on something - do you guys want to see a huge wedding with a big party and a lot of guests? Or rather a small and intimate one? Let me know!****

**Chapter 12**

"Could you... um... move your leg a little more over... yeah... like that..."

"Ouch. Ouch my hair..."

"Sorry..."

Brittany giggled.

"This is more difficult than it looks..." Santana growled, trying to spread her legs further without falling out of the hammock. Brittany was lying on top of her, kissing Santana's neck as her left hand was searching for anything she could hold on to while her right hand kept pleasuring her girlfriend.

"If only it didn't swing so much..." Brittany murmured... "maybe if we move a little less..."

"Your fingers are inside me babe, how little do you expect me to move, huh?"

Brittany had to grin.

"Good point!" she admitted, kissing Santana's nose before focusing on building up a steady rhythm again.

It was cold at the Indian Lake Beach but they both knew what to expect when they had decided to spend the night by the water. In february.

The fact that they had a thick blanket wrapped around their bodies probably made the whole hammock experience even more difficult, yet Brittany couldn't help but love it. She loved the wind in her hair, loved the sound of the small waves, loved being here with Santana. Oh, and Tigger of course, who was asleep in his box.

The hammock was tiny and didn't look very stable, but at least there were palm trees. And did it really matter? The night had already been lovely in its own way.

"Mmmh... don't stop, Brit..." Santana moaned, digging her nails a little deeper into the soft skin of Brittany's back and the hammock started rocking harder with each and every one of Brittany's thrusts.

"Yeah... shit... deeper..."

Brittany smirked, moving faster, deeper, harder as Santana was fisting her blond hair, pressing her mouth on hers to muffle her own moans.

"So... so close..." Santana whispered, closing her eyes as Brittany watched the intense pleasure reflecting on her girlfriend's features.

"Yes... oh fuck, Brit..."

"Oh fuck, San...!" Brittany exclaimed as she saw the cord that was fixing the hammock to the tree rip in slowmotion. Only a second later they landed in the sand with a loud thud - first Santana, then Brittany and the blanket on top of her.

Brittany looked worried, huge blue eyes searching Santana's as she was wiping some dark brown hair out of her slightly sweaty forehead.

"Shit, San, are you okay?"

"We broke the hammock, Brit."

Silence.

"We're awesome like that" Santana added, nodding slowly, before a big grin brightened up her features.

Soon they both had to giggle uncontrollably and Brittany wrapped them both up in their blanket so they just lay there in the sand, staring at the sky. There were a few clouds blocking the view at the stars, but Brittany had insisted that it was only the Milky Way which seemed to come a little bit closer some nights.

"Turn on the radio, Britts..." Santana told her girlfriend as she watched Tigger crawl out of his box, yawning. He looked around, obviously a little confused, before spotting his owners and lazily climbing on top of Santana's belly.

Santana reached out her hand to pet the little guy behind his ears, causing the small cat to purr and snuggle even closer.

"He's so adorable..." Santana stated with a smile on her lips.

"...and he loves you" Brittany added with a wink, still searching for a channel on the old portable radio they had brought with them.

"Oh, it's the news, turn up the volume!"

They were both waiting for the football results as there wasn't much time left until this year's Super Bowl. But then, when the anchor finally announced the finalists, the smile was quickly wiped off both of their faces.

"They lost" Santana stated disappointed. "The Jets lost."

Brittany's gaze dropped and she sighed, picking up some sand to let it run through her fingertips.

"I guess we can forget that point on the list..." Santana went on, but Brittany quickly shook her head.

"What? No!" she insisted, "then they're gonna win next year!"

There was no way that the Jets would screw with their bucket list. Nope. Brittany wouldn't accept this.

"Honey..." Santana whispered, nuzzling her head against Brittany's shoulder, peckering soft kisses along her skin. "...I'm not gonna be around for the next Super Bowl..."

Right. Thanks a lot for the reminder.

Sometimes it made Brittany angry... to hear Santana say it. To hear her say the things she already knew herself but that she refused to accept or even believe. It made her want to push her away and hug her at the same time. It made her want to shake her, it made the little girl inside of her scream and shout... but she had to get used to it. She had to swallow down these feelings. Had to learn that there was a difference between hope and living in denial.

Sometimes the whole bucket list thing just felt like a big funny adventure. Like two people in love doing silly things together to pass the time. Sometimes she truly forgot what it was really about.

Would she be sitting at the beach all by herself a year from now? Would it be just she and their cat?

And a year... what was a year? A year was nothing. The year without Santana had felt long and tiring, but the five months they had been together again, they had felt like five weeks, not more.

Brittany could feel her own hands starting to shake, quickly trying to distract her mind from all this.

"I talked to Quinn... she wants to come over next weekend... to help us with the wedding invitations and first preparations... we could watch the Super Bowl together anyway, if you want..." Brittany suggested, pressing her eyes shut to regain some strength.

"Yes. Sure. I'd like that." Santana agreed smiling, squeezing Brittany's hand before bringing it up to her lips to kiss it.

"And Brit?"

"Hm?"

"Baby... please don't stress yourself, okay? I know that there are certain things that we won't be able to do anymore."

There it was again. That terrible feeling she had pushed down more or less successfully. The hot uncomfortable shock wave.

"And I don't mind, Brittany. It's been great so far, completely awesome and magical, and you know... not all wishes can come true. And they don't have to."

"But..."

"No, honey. I'm good as long as I have you... and Quinn... and Tigger!" she added with a wink. "I don't need to see Machu Picchu, okay? Really."

Brittany swallowed hard, pulling the blanket up to her chin as she focused on staying calm.

"Okay..." she whispered, nodding. Defeated. Powerless.

'It's not okay' she thought to herself, mentally shaking her head. 'It'll never be okay.'

xxxxxxxxx

A week had passed and Santana was more than excited to see Quinn again and to spend the day with her two best friends. Not even going to the doc's was going to change her good mood - especially because these blood transfusions had become a lot more bearable since Brittany was back in her life.

Usually she had tried to read books or magazines during the procedure, had turned up the volume on her iPod and tried to clear her head - but Brittany had insisted on coming with her this time, distracting her with funny stories and her typical positive attitude.

She was sitting in front of her, smiling and petting her leg while Santana could feel the fresh blood making her stronger and a little more alive every minute. Anemia was a typical side effect of cancer, especially after having been through chemo, but as often as she felt weak and tired because of it, after the transfusions she felt ready to tackle anything.

"What do you wanna eat tonight?" Brittany asked, her eyes glowing. "I think we need some typical Super Bowl food, what do you say? Oh, we could build a whole stadium out of cheese and crackers and make an audience out of gummi bears!"

Santana had to grin.

"Whatever floats your boat, baby."

"And burgers!" Brittany exclaimed. "Burgers and fries of course. And lots of coke. And Snickers. Peanutbutter sandwiches and M&Ms!"

"That sounds very healthy..." Santana told her, chuckling. "Breadsticks?"

"Absolutely!"

"So... when does Quinn arrive? Did she tell you?" Santana wanted to know, sighing as she looked at the blood bag that was connected to her arm, growing a little impatient.

"Actually... she already arrived. She'll be there when we get out of here." Brittany admitted smiling. "I told Mrs McPherson to let her in so she will have already showered and stuff... I guess Q's happy that she can stay with us and doesn't have to stay at her mom's all the time..."

"Yeah, I don't blame her. I bet staying with the old Fabrey can get exhausting..."

When Loredana arrived, she smiled at the two girls as she checked on the transfusion.

"Okay, looks like you're done here!" she said friendly, carefully removing the tube from the crook of Santana's arm. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. Great actually, thanks." Santana replied.

"Any more plans for tonight?" Loredana wanted to know, putting a little cotton ball on the slightly bleeding spot.

"We're gonna watch the Super Bowl and..."

"...make some important preparations!" Brittany finished for Santana, grinning proudly.

Santana blushed as she noticed the curious look on Loredana's face, biting her lower lip.

"Yeah, about that..." Santana started, clearing her throat. "Not many people know about it yet, but... Brit and I are gonna get married. You'll get a proper invitation soon."

Loredana's eyes widened at the other woman's words, then a big smile brightened up her features.

"Oh my god!" she exclaimed. "That's the best news I have heard all day. I am so happy for you two!"

The small doctor wrapped her arms around Santana, holding her close, before turning around to repeat the act with Brittany.

"I'm so excited, it's gonna be great!"

For a second Santana had been worried that Loredana would give her a warning 'but be careful that it doesn't get too much for you in your condition'- look, but the way her doctor smiled at her was more than reassuring that marrying Brittany was the right thing to do.

"Already set a date?"

"March 28th..." Santana told her. "We wanted a spring wedding and it gives us enough time to plan everything. We're currently looking for the right location..."

"I'm sure whatever place you choose is going to be perfect..." Loredana assured her and Santana nodded, taking Brittany's hand into her own, squeezing it.

On the way home Santana pictured all kinds of wedding scenarios in her head, imagined Brittany trying on a slew of amazing wedding dresses and thought of all kinds of fancy hotel rooms where they would spend their honeymoon and never leave the bed. She hoped she would feel as strong then as she felt right now. She hoped her body would allow her to be a good wife for a good long time.

Mrs. McPherson was busy cleaning the driveway with her big red broom when they arrived at home, looking at them with her typical grim expression.

"You have a visitor..." she murmured barely audible between her teeth, not looking up from the pile of leaves in front of her feet.

"Thanks!" Brittany chirped happily, getting the big box of groceries out of the trunk. "Are you going to watch the Super Bowl tonight, Mrs. McPhee?"

The elderly woman raised an eyebrow, then focused on her broom again.

"Well, if you do, you should totally come over sometime for a snack, we are going to build our own cracker stadium!"

"Can't wait..." she mumbled before stuffing the leaves into a big brown garbage bag.

"Geez, Brit, why are you always so nice to the old witch?" Santana whispered when they walked up to their flat, fumbling for her keys.

"I don't know, San. I think she's lonely... and I kinda like her. I think we should invite her to our wedding."

"And I think you're insane..." Santana replied dryly. "But I still love you."

Brittany smiled and kissed Santana's cheek as she turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open... followed by a loud "Holy fuck, Q, what is this?"

Quinn had obviously done a lot more than taking a shower while they were gone as the whole apartment was decorated with green New York Jets flags and garlands. Basically everything was green, including the sofa which was wrapped up in green sheets. It looked a little like a private St. Patrick's day party.

"Welcome home, San..." Quinn said grinning. "Like it?"

"I do, but you're aware that we're gonna watch Pittsburgh versus New Orleans tonight, right?" Santana asked, giving her friend a dubious look.

"We aren't" Brittany stated shrugging before wrapping her arms around Quinn to greet her. "It looks awesome, Q. Score!"

"Okay, hold up, what have you two planned behind my back again?" Santana wanted to know, one hand on her hip. "And why do you never include me in your crazy ideas beforehand?"

"Well, isn't it a lot more fun this way?" Quinn asked laughing, getting an old VHS out of her bag before throwing it over to Santana who caught the cassette, slightly confused.

'Super Bowl 1969 - New York Jets vs. Baltimore Colts' was written on it and Santana had to smirk.

"Ebay." Quinn added, shrugging, before taking the box from Brittany and carrying it into the kitchen.

"Hm..." Brittany cleared her throat. "You wanted to see the Jets win the Super Bowl... you didn't say which Super Bowl it had to be..."

Santana shook her head, laughing. "Brittany S. Pierce, you truly are the master of all bucket lists. I'm fucking impressed!"

Brittany smiled proudly before clapping her hands in excitement. "Wait 'til you see our outfits!"

"We thought it was time to relive the Unholy Trinity cheerleading spirit for one more evening..." Quinn added with a wink, already slicing the cheese. She pointed her head in the direction of a big plastic bag on a chair at the dining room table. "Open it!"

"Oh my god..." Santana gasped, taking one of the uniforms out of the bag. The original green Jets uniforms. And not only the typical short skirts - somehow the two girls had managed to get their hands on the dark green aviator overalls that the cheerleading squad always wore on special occasions.

"This is..."

"Genius? Silly?" Brittany asked slowly.

"Definitely genius... and it will definitely look absolutely hot on you."

Quinn chuckled. "Maybe I should sleep at my mom's place tonight so you two can appreciate those overalls a little more..."

"No way." Santana interfered. "You're staying."

She smiled.

"And thank you. Both of you."

xxxxxxxx

"I've never actually seen Joe Namath play before tonight, but he was a fucking rock star!" Santana exclaimed impressed, stroking her own belly which was full of Snickers, cheese and breadsticks. The halftime show had just started and the game had been very entertaining so far.

"Time to pee!" she added, placing a quick kiss on Brittany's lips before disappearing into the bathroom.

Brittany leaned back on the sofa, sighing contently.

"I'd say this has been a success so far!"

"Absolutely. I don't even mind the horrible video quality. It's kinda classy..." Quinn smiled. "But... Britts?"

"Hm?"

"I don't mean to be a mood killer, but..." She cleared her throat. "She looks so... so thin."

"San?"

"Yeah. I mean, I haven't seen her in two months, so maybe it's more obvious to me than it is to you... but... she looks very weak."

Brittany hugged her knees in front of her chest, pulling her legs closer to her body, trying to smile back at Quinn. Of course she had noticed it too. Of course she was trying not to think too much about such obvious facts.

"She's not weak though..." Brittany started. "Her doctor says she's still remarkably strong and it's normal that she's losing weight. Her body needs a lot of energy but she can't eat that much, she easily feels sick, can't keep all the food down..."

Quinn nodded, understanding.

"But she's trying. She's doing the best she can to eat properly, I know that." Brittany went on. "I know she's doing it for us. Even if she's almost never hungry and quickly loses her appetite... And she barely ever complains, Q. Sometimes I wish I could look into her head... to know when she's in pain, you know? Because she doesn't talk about it. I know she doesn't want to make me worry."

They heard the bathroom door before Quinn got a chance to reply so she just gave Brittany's arm a quick squeeze, a sad smile on her lips.

"What did I miss?" Santana wanted to know and Quinn took her phone, motioning her to sit down next to them.

"I was just about to post a pic of us on facebook" Quinn grinned, holding the camera of her phone in front of them. "Smile!"

She uploaded the photo to her facebook wall, adding a comment.

'Alternative Super Bowl rocks! Our party is better than yours!'

Only a few seconds later the picture had 27 Likes and three comments, one by Noah Puckerman.

'Where's the party - Can I join?'

Quinn smirked and raised an eyebrow before showing the phone to Brittany and Santana.

"Oh my god, Puck..." Santana said slowly, shaking her head. "He still has a mohawk? Are you guys still in touch?"

"Umm..." Quinn started, chewing on her lower lip.

"Okay, Q, seriously... I know that look on your face. Are you two still getting it on? Please tell me I'm just imagining things..."

Quinn cleared her throat.

"I may or may not have met him a couple of times in the past months... Old habits die hard, I guess..."

"Oh look, Rachel Berry liked your status!" Brittany interrupted the conversation, quickly clicking on their old friend's profile.

"She looks happy... is she still with Finn?"

"I hope not..." Quinn replied, frowning, "her relationship status is deactivated..." Then all three of them started looking at each other.

"It's weird, isn't it?" Santana said slowly. "All these people... people we used to know so well... and now we know next to nothing about them. Only what they give away on some stupid social network..."

She took the list with the wedding invitations from the table, the one they had started writing earlier that night. So far only a few names were written on it.

Anna - Brittany's colleague from work-, Loredana, Brittany's parents, and, on Brittany's demand, the lovely Mrs McPherson. So far no one had dared mentioning Santana's family.

"I used to think that I wanted a very small and very private wedding..." Santana whispered, lost in thought. "But sometimes... sometimes I miss them, you know? Sometimes I miss the feeling they gave me... Miss having them all around... hell, sometimes I miss being annoyed by them. 'Cause as dorky and crazy as they all were... we had the best time of our lives together... know what I mean?"

Brittany and Quinn both nodded before Santana pushed the list aside, snuggling up next to her girlfriend.

"Let's keep watching."

xxxxxx

After a glorious 16:7 victory, the three girls headed to the tattoo shop where they had made an appointment a couple of days before. Of course they were still wearing their uniforms. It felt good to wear them together, just as in good old times. It made Santana feel young. As if she were in high school again.

High school. A time that seemed so far away. So far away from all these dark thoughts.

A time when she still had huge plans for her future.

Becoming succesful.

Living in New York.

Being a star.

Having a huge family and growing old with Brittany.

Yeah. It had always been clear to her - Brittany would always be her girlfriend. Her wife even. But who would have thought that 'always' could be so short? 'Always' used to sound like an eternity.

Brittany would always be her girlfriend, but she wouldn't always be hers.

But that's what this tattoo was going to be about, right? That even if Santana's 'always' ended earlier than Brittany's, the girl she loved would still carry a piece of Santana with her. Some small part of her would always be with her.

Brittany looked a little scared when she first saw the big needle coming closer to her pinky finger. Quinn only laughed.

"Believe me, Brit. Getting the tattoo is a lot less painful than having it removed. I know what I'm talking about..." she said, pointing at the spot that used to be covered by Ryan Seacrest's face.

"Good thing I'll never have to remove this one..." Brittany whispered, looking over to Santana with a shy smile.

Santana had bitten the inside of her cheek when it had been her turn to get inked, but it hadn't hurt as much as she had expected it to hurt. Maybe she had already gotten used to needles.

Now she was watching the tattoo artist carefully following the letters of her own handwriting on Brittany's finger, watched the words "...unbroken by distance" slowly appear on her skin, hoping that it didn't hurt her that much either.

She looked over to Quinn and thought she could see a tear in her friend's eye. Quinn had always been a hopeless romantic on the inside, even if she didn't want to admit it. Santana knew her friend was probably dwelling on the thought of her and Brittany getting a tattoo as a sign of their eternal love.

Or... maybe she was also taking this whole thing a lot harder than Santana had expected.

Yeah. Suddenly Santana felt like Quinn might be going to miss her a lot. Almost as if this whole thing were breaking her heart.

For a second their eyes met, but Quinn quickly looked away, brushing the tear away with the sleeve of her overall. Santana knew that Quinn didn't want to ruin the mood by getting emotional, especially because it had been a rather cheerful night so far. But some part of Santana felt like getting up to hug her. To tell her that it was okay. That she didn't have to feel sorry for her. That she still had Brittany and that Brittany was the best friend anyone could wish for. That they could still be an Unholy Duality together.

But Santana didn't get up. She looked at her two favorite blondes, realizing that the tattoo artist's job wasn't done yet.

"Um..." she cleared her throat. "I'm sorry, I know that it's late and all... but... do you think you could make me another tattoo? Just a really small one... on my neck."

The woman - who was completely covered in ink herself - just laughed, looking at her.

"I know that it can get addicting, but wow, the addiction got you pretty fast!" she said with a wink. "What's it going to be?"

"I want a trinity symbol" Santana stated, her voice firm.

And from the corner of her eye, she could see Quinn smile.

xxxxx

It wasn't until they were all at home again that Brittany decided to talk about what everyone had been avoiding to mention all night.

They were lying on their bellies on Santana's huge bed, flipping through different wedding magazines and encircling some dresses that they liked the most.

Quinn had made a list of things that still needed to be arranged and it had become obvious that their friend was enjoying her unofficial job as wedding planner. Brittany decided that being a wedding planner fitted Quinn much better than being a lawyer. She definitely needed a purple skirt and blazer... and such a head piece, like in that movie.

"San...?" Brittany started carefully, taking a deep breath.

"Brit...?"

"Can we talk about the whale in the room? I know it's called 'elephant', but it feels much bigger than that..." Brittany mumbled, her gaze dropping.

Santana sighed.

"I don't know what you're talking about..." she said, focusing hard on some catering brochure.

"Your parents, San. Your mom. Your grandma... I... I know that you want them there, Santana."

Quinn nodded, putting her magazine away.

"Brit's right..." she said slowly. "It's about time, Sweetie. It's going to be the most important day in your life... You're going to want your mom to be there... you're going to want your dad to walk you down the aisle... you're going to want your grandma's blessing."

"I will never get her blessing..." Santana hissed, her voice already cracking.

Brittany knew that it was Santana's weak spot. Knew that they were making her feel awful in this moment, but she was convinced that there was still hope. That they could make things right. That Santana needed closure. If she didn't know it in her heart, if she didn't know for sure that it were going to be all right, she would never make her go through with this.

"You don't know that, babe..." she whispered, coming closer on the bed to let her chin rest on Santana's shoulder. "I'm sure they all miss you... just as much as you miss them..."

"And we're here for you, Santana..." Quinn added nodding, a smile on her lips. "We'll hold your hand. And we'll drive over there and kick their sorry asses in the very unlikely instance that they push you away. Which is not gonna happen."

Santana's eyes were teary as she looked down on her lap.

Brittany could see her girlfriend's inner struggle, felt as if she could hear Santana's heart beat in her own ears. But she knew it was now or never.

"Give me the phone..." Santana whispered, looking up to her friends. She looked so vulnerable, it broke Brittany's heart.

Quinn was biting her lower lip, frowning uncomfortably when Santana had finished typing in the number and brought the phone up to her ear. She had put it on speaker and everyone was holding their breath when the first 'toot' signaled them that the call was going through.

"Hello?" they could hear Santana's mother answering.

Brittany was squeezing Santana's hand harder, until her knuckles were turning white, showing her that she would never let go. She could feel her shake, could feel how completely tensed she was.

"Mom?" she whispered, her voice tiny and much higher than usual.

Silence.

"S... Santana? … Is that you?"

Tears were streaming down Santana's face and Brittany couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like for her. What it must be like to tell your own mother that... - she couldn't even finish the thought. All she knew was that she felt incredibly proud of her in that moment. That she admired her for being so strong. And that she'd do anything for Santana.

"Mom... I... I'm calling because... because there's something you need to know... something I need to tell you..."

"Santana, I've missed you. I've missed you so much."

The whole room was quiet when Santana pressed her eyes shut, squeezing Brittany's hand even harder.

"I've missed you too, Mom."

xxxxxx

_N°13: Have sex in a hammock between palm trees - Check._

_N°14: Watch the New York Jets win the Super Bowl - Check._


	13. Chapter 13

**In case anyone is still reading this story: I'm sorry for not having updated. I promised you I'd finish the story, and I will. There are two chapters left. Thank you all so much for all the encouraging messages I have received in those past months.**

**I know it's not easy being a Glee fan at the moment. My mind is with Cory's friends and family and I wish them all the strength in the world. This is for everyone who has lost someone they loved.**

**xxxx**

**Chapter 13**

Santana was sitting on a kitchen chair, her hands sweaty. The ticking of the blue clock on the kitchen wall was echoing loudly in her ears.

Tick. Tack. Tick. Tack.

Time seemed to pass so slowly and Santana knew that the sound of the doorbell would probably give her a heart attack, even if she knew she had to expect it any second.

Of course she couldn't be sure that they'd really show up. They had said they would, and Santana had believed them, but maybe they would change their minds. Maybe she was terrified for nothing.

Would she be disappointed? Right now the thought seemed more like a relief.

How would she react? Shake their hands? Hug them? Wait until they'd make the first move?

She had told Brittany to leave, had told her that she needed to do this on her own. That she needed at least this one honest moment with them, being prepared for the questions they hadn't dared to ask yet. Right now, however, she wished she had let her stay. Brittany always calmed her down, made her feel safe. Just a small smile, a squeeze of her hand, it could make everything better.

The spoon in her hand was shaking, stirring the cold coffee she didn't feel like drinking. Then, when the doorbell finally made the sound she had been dreading all along, she still managed to splash some coffee on the table, her heart pounding in her chest.

She could feel the heat in her face as she was trying to focus on her breathing.

Walking slowly towards the door, she thought about picking up the handset to ask who was there. Knowing that no words would come out of her mouth, Santana pressed the buzzer, her eyes closed, waiting for the sound of the door being opened downstairs in the hallway. There was no turning back now.

She walked back to the chair that was still warm from the past hour she had been sitting on it, motionless.

Not much later, Santana could feel their presence in the room, forcing herself to look in the direction of the door again. She was biting the inside of her cheek, digging her nails into her thigh, willing to push down all the emotions that dared bubbling to the surface any second.

At first she saw her mother. Her hair was shorter. Grayer. Her eyes looked swollen.

Then a second person entered the room, slowly closing the door. It wasn't her father. Santana couldn't believe her eyes when she saw her abuela, looking at her with an expression Santana wasn't able to read, even if she had wanted to.

"Good evening, Santana", she said, not afraid to meet her eyes.

So here they were, the two people who had meant most to her during her childhood. The two people who had disappointed her more than anybody else. Those people who had been supposed to love her no matter what and who had decided that they didn't want her anymore. Her mother because of a stupid fight, her grandmother because of the way she had chosen to live her life.

Even after all these years, the pain still felt as real as it had always felt. The rejection. The anger.

But now there was something else. Now there was this new fear. The fear of dying. And Santana wasn't quite sure what role her family would play in all this. What role she would _let _them play.

How much longer were they going to stand there and look at her? Was this the time to offer them a drink? Maybe this had been a bad idea. Quinn and Brittany shouldn't have pushed her, for fuck's sake. What would it matter? It was going to make her feel more miserable than she had already felt before. She could have waited the last few months, or weeks, could have died without them. Once she'd be gone, she'd be gone. She wouldn't have cared anymore. There'd only be emptiness. Air. A black hole or whatever. After death, there was no regret. Right? At least not for her...

Then suddenly, there were arms around her. An embrace that was so unexpected, it made her whole body tense within less than a second.

Her abuela still used the same perfume. Santana had never particularly liked it. It smelled like mothballs. Yet it smelled like home. Like childhood.

And her arms felt so much skinnier. She looked so old. Weak, even.

"Querida, querida..." Santana heard her grandmother mumble as she was kissing her head. Once. Twice.

"Your father will come a little later" Gloria explained, sitting down in front of Santana, letting one hand rest on her daughter's leg. "He's still in... in a meeting. He says he's really sorry and he will hurry."

They all knew that there was no meeting, that Fernando Lopez just wasn't able to deal with those kinds of emotions. And it was okay. To some degree Santana was thankful.

She had no idea how long they had been sitting there before Santana finally had the nerve to speak.

"I'm getting married to a girl."

These hadn't exactly been the first words she had planned to say but it was what had to come out.

"I'm getting married to a girl..." she repeated, "and I can't help but feel that you wouldn't be here now if you didn't think it might be the last chance to see me. Alive, I mean."

She could feel her abuela freeze above her, the hand that had been stroking her seconds ago now resting still on her dark hair.

"That's not true, Santana", her mother said slowly, her eyes getting teary. "It's not true and I hope you know that."

"I don't, actually."

"Santana..." her abuela started in her typically strict voice that accepted no backtalk. "Santana, look at me."

She didn't want to look at her. Didn't want to look into the eyes of the women who had made her doubt herself so badly. The person whose opinion had always mattered so much to her, but who had decided to stop loving her because she was a lesbian. Who had let her down in a time when she had needed her most.

"It's been six years, Santana. Six years since I have seen you the last time. Six long years that were enough time for me to think about you and our family."

Yeah, six fucking years that would have felt like hell if she hadn't had Brittany by her side. Six years and she hadn't once tried to contact her, to apologize.

"You have to believe me, Santana, it wasn't just now that I realized I had made a mistake. There have been many days, many situations in which I have wanted to call you... write you... and... and I didn't do it because... I was ashamed. Yes. There, I said it. I was ashamed because of the way I have treated you and I didn't know what to do... I figured it would be hard for you to forgive me, so I thought I would have to let you live your life with... with your _partner_... and let you be happy."

Santana could hear her voice crack, something she wasn't used to when it came to her grandmother. The woman who had an opinion on everything and who would never let any weakness show. In so many ways they were very alike. Always had been.

"It was my own punishment, Santana. To live with the thought that I had let you down in the worst way possible. Telling you all of these things when I knew how weak you must have been. I am not proud of that."

Tears were rolling down Santana's cheeks as she tried to focus on the white kitchen floor. She was doing her best to push away the memories that kept crawling back in front of her inner eye. The moment when she had dressed up nicely, trying to be brave, opening up to her family about her most personal emotions... The hurt she had felt when her own grandmother had kicked her out... the pure hatred in the older woman's eyes.

There had been too many days and nights she had spent denying who she really was, telling herself it was sick to feel the way she felt. She had been her own worst enemy, needing nothing more than to find comfort within her loved ones. Being rejected instead had made her world fall into pieces.

All she had ever wanted was an apology.

"I'm sorry, Santana. And I hope you will be able to forgive me."

Santana let the words sink in, not knowing what to reply. She wasn't ready for a "yes", yet there was something like a smile, barely noticeable on her lips.

"Santana..." her mother now started, her voice shy.

"I... um... _we_, your grandmother and I... we would love to help you pick a wedding dress..."

Suddenly Gloria started sobbing, not being able to hold back the emotions that must have kept her awake since the night of their phonecall.

"I... I've always dreamt of the moment when my baby girl would get married... how beautiful she'd look in a white dress... how proud I'd feel..."

It broke Santana's heart to see her mother like that.

Maybe it was for the best that she would never have any children of her own. She only had to look into her mother's eyes to know that losing your son or daughter to cancer was an experience she'd never want to go through.

"So, Santana..." her abuela said, softly stroking her granddaughter's arm and giving it an encouraging squeeze. "What do you say? Going to let your old ladies help you pick an outfit for the most important day of your life?"

Santana swallowed, slowly lifting her head before clearing her throat to answer.

"...you better not make me regret this."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Brittany was aware that she wasn't allowed to see Santana in her dress before the wedding, yet she did not want to waste a single day without her girlfriend anymore. They had agreed that she could come with them, as long as she closed her eyes or turned around whenever Gloria or Santana's grandmother opened the curtain of the fitting room.

Of course the oh's and ah's of the two women kept making her want to peek, yet Brittany was sure that this meant bad luck, so she was staying strong, occupying herself with some Disney iPhone game in which you had to help Swampy the crocodile get enough water for his daily bubble bath. A maddening game.

"Damn it, Swampy, why do you have to live down there in the sewers anyway?" she mumbled, annoyed. "It's dark there and it stinks, I know what I'm talking about. You can take a bath at our place!"

She didn't notice Gloria who had sat down next to her, as Santana was busy discussing with her abuela whether the first or second dress had made her boobs look bigger.

"You okay?" Gloria asked, one hand resting on Brittany's leg.

"No. I'm stuck in level 27. You wanna try?"

Gloria smiled. "I doubt that I'm any good at this", she admitted. "Though this is not exactly what I meant..."

Brittany sensed the serious tone in her voice, putting the phone back into her pocket.

"I'm okay", she replied, though she wasn't sure who she wanted to convince, Gloria or herself.

"I'm glad you're here", Brittany continued. "Santana wanted you here. Even if she doesn't want to admit it. It means a lot to her... And to me."

Gloria nodded, leaning back in her chair as her gaze wandered to the dressing room. She could see the two women move behind the curtain, could see some white fabric peek out, though an actual dress was, of course, not identifiable.

"I feel thankful" the older woman said after a while, staring down at her feet now.

Thankful? For what exactly? Brittany had always been a very positive person, but even she had started to forget what to be thankful for these days. She was lucky to still have Santana, lucky to know she was getting married to her. But thankful? She would be thankful for a sudden cure.

"I feel thankful because..." Gloria swallowed. "Because I know she has had you in her life, Brittany. She's had you when we haven't been around. And you've been doing all these incredible things with her... I'm... I'm beyond thankful that she got to experience this... that she got to experience true love."

Brittany nodded, a tiny smile on her lips.

"I want you to know something, Brittany. And I'm not sure when else I'd get the chance to tell you, so I rather tell you now..."

She sighed.

"You're my daughter, too, Brittany. Please never forget that, okay?"

Brittany felt Gloria's hand on hers. Warm, but a little shaky.

"Whenever it... whenever it will... I...", she swallowed. "You're not alone. You'll always be a part of this family and you'll always be welcome in our home. Don't forget that, okay?"

"I won't", Brittany replied, swallowing hard. She wished she could help Swampy again, because she wasn't supposed to get sad now. Not today. She was shopping for a wedding dress - or at least she was around people who were shopping for one - and there was no room for this certain kind of sadness that dared bubbling up to the surface any second.

Gloria's hand was still on hers when Santana's voice echoed out of the dressing room.

"Mom! Get in here! I think we found it!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The following weeks had been quite eventful and Brittany and Santana had often been worried that Quinn and Gloria might end up in an embarassing catfight. Quinn, the unofficial, self-announced wedding planner, was having serious problems with Gloria's very strong opinion on everything.

Gloria wanted everything to be pink, Quinn preferred yellow.

Quinn voted for a band, Gloria insisted on a DJ.

And whenever they asked Brittany and Santana to make the final decision, both of them agreed that they trusted them and that they were doing a great job.

Of course Santana realized that, in front of her, everyone kept trying to act as if everything were okay and all plans were under perfect control. Of course no one wanted to upset her.

A few months ago Santana _would_ have been upset, would have wanted to plan these things on her own, would have wanted to show them that she needed no help and that they were insane for fighting about things that she herself clearly knew better. But to be honest - something inside of her had changed.

It would have been enough to have a small wedding, to sit at Breadstix with their closest friends. It didn't matter. Santana was thankful for every minute she could spend alone with Brittany, was thankful that she knew she could trust her mom and her friends to arrange the things they felt were important for every weddning.

For her, it wasn't about the greatest cake or the best music anymore. For her it was only about her wife. And her family. And Quinn. It wasn't the party that mattered, as much as the ones you were celebrating with... right?

The only thing truly upsetting Santana was the fact that her dress didn't fit anymore. In only a few weeks she had lost far too much weight, feeling as if the dress were swallowing her as she put it on, only hours before the ceremony.

Her abuela was standing next to her, their eyes meeting in the mirror as tears were starting to blurry Santana's vision.

"C'mere", her abuela whispered. "Let me fix this."

Grabbing needle and thread, she looked at her again, an encouraging smile on her lips.

"No time for tears. My granddaughter is getting married. I want to see her smile."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

For a while, she hadn't been sure that she'd be able to do it. There had been days when she had been feeling too weak. Days when she had been sure that they had to cancel on all of their guests. Days that she had preferred rolling around in the wheelchair they had gotten her just in case, for the days that felt too heavy on her shoulders.

But now that Santana carefully stepped into the church, now that she saw her soon-to-be-wife standing next to the altar while the organ was playing, she took a deep breath. A new wave of power seemed to wash through her bones and for this very moment, the pain seemed to be entirely gone.

Her father was supporting her on her right, his strong hands holding her tightly. Quinn was walking by her left side, their fingers entwined. Nothing could happen to her. She was safe with them.

And then her eyes met Brittany's. Blue comfort. Filled with so much love.

Her father placed a kiss on her forehead before sitting down in the front row next to Gloria and her grandmother. Brittany's mother was smiling at her, carefully drying a tear with her pink napkin.

Santana looked around the church, realizing that a lot of people had come. The church was almost full.

Brittany took her hand and she could feel her pulse speeding up.

Her lips were close to her hear as she whispered, "You look so beautiful. I can't wait to say _I do._"

Then, for the first time, she saw the little booklet in front of her. The service programme. She opened it, carefully.

Several songs that were going to be sung, references to the service book, the reverend's sermon... and then, right after the vows... _Cherish - Performed by the God Squad featuring the McKinley High Glee Club Revival_

Santana's eyes widened as she read the words. First she looked at Brittany who nodded, smiling. Then she turned around, her gaze finding the little balcony in front of the big organ.

She felt the tight knot in her throat as she looked into their faces.

Rachel. Finn. Tina. Mercedes. Kurt. Puck... They were all here.

Turning around again, Santana closed the booklet, just to see the saying on the back.

_Courage is not the absence of fear. It means allowing yourself to be scared, and allowing yourself to let love guide you. No matter what._

The reverend was standing in front of them now, whispering so that only her and Brittany could hear him.

"Miss Pierce... Miss Lopez... you ready?"

Santana smiled as she was biting her lower lip and holding Brittany's hands even tighter.

"I'm ready."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"There you go..." Loredana whispered, smiling when she was done with the injection. "It'll help you enjoy the next few hours a little more."

"Thank you", Santana replied, relieved to know that it was going to make the pain more bearable. They were in a small room next door as Santana didn't want her guests to worry about her. The bass of the music was surrounding her and she took a deep breath before walking back inside. The party had been fun and it had been amazing to see all of her old friends again, but Santana was also looking forward to being in bed with her wife. Until then she'd try to enjoy the presence of her guests.

"Ahhhh there she iiiiis" she heard Quinn yell from the table she'd been sitting at, her cheeks rosy, her hair slightly tangled from her previous dance performance. At least her friend seemed to be enjoying herself a lot while entertaining people from school and Santana's former colleagues. Santana wondered how many phone numbers Quinn had already collected during the night and how much she would actually remember the next morning.

Quinn got up, stumbling over to the DJ and whispering something into the tall man's ear. He nodded before handing her his microphone.

She cleared her throat, tapping her index finger on the mic several times. "Is it on? Hello?"

A loud beep was echoing through the speakers, resulting in a few guests groaning and putting their hands over their ears.

"I think it is... Fantastic..." Quinn slurred.

"Weeelll..." she started, a little louder this time, smiling as she now tapped her glass with a fork - so hard that Santana was afraid she'd break it. Good that there was a doctor in the house, just in case.

"As the maid of honor, I think it's time for me to hold a speech."

"Just the moment we have all been waiting for..." Santana heard Gloria mumble as she was rolling her eyes.

"I'm sorry what was that?" Quinn spoke into her microphone, taking a step closer towards her best friend's mother. "You were saying something, Gloria?"

The woman just shook her head, taking a sip from her champagne. "Nothing."

"Nothing!" Quinn repeated, faking a shocked expression. "Would be the first time since you came here", she continued, her face serious before she finally lost control and started laughing, letting out a little snort. Followed by a hiccup.

"Oh I'm sorry... it's just... it's just that you should know that Santana's mother has an opinion on everything... I won't blame her... it's her daughter's wedding after all... yeeaahh..."

Quinn stumbled, barely managed to hold her balance, before starting to laugh again.

"You sure you okay?" the DJ whispered as he came over from behind his pult, letting one hand rest on Quinn's back for support.

"I am FINE... F.I.N.E!" Quinn yelled back, pushing his hand away. "I am fine because my best friends are married now, and I wanna say a few words, so puh-leaaase, let me."

Santana was looking over to Brittany who seemed very amused by all this, giggling and staring at their friend, excitedly. She herself had a weird feeling in her belly. She had known Quinn long enough. Long enough to know that this could easily turn into a disaster.

"Brittany and Santana!, Quinn continued. "Santana and Brittany. Santittany. Or Brittana? Whatever you guys prefer." She cleared her throat and Santana was worried Quinn was going to puke in front of all of their guests.

"Who would have thought that they'd get married? I mean, 10 years ago they were the most popular girls at school, dating all the guys, sometimes at the same time... but hey, I always knew what was going on during those sleepovers... wink wink."

Some people were laughing, some were looking awkwardly at their tables or drinks.

"And look at them. Seriously. They are both gorgeous. Goooorgeous girls... Naah, women. Let's face it. We're not getting younger, are we?"

Quinn seemed to be staring aimlessly for a moment, lost in thought as she was smiling.

"We're not getting younger, but that's the point of getting married, right? We decide that we have found the right person to grow old with. We stop caring about age. Because... because no matter how old we are, we love this one person. Even if he or she has wrinkles or is getting bold. We know we want to wake up next to this person for the rest of our lives..."

Her tone was becoming more serious and Santana glanced over to her wife again, the smile washed off of her face, replaced by... well... What was it? She didn't look sad. She was just staring at Quinn, her eyes glued to the other woman's lips.

"You know what the best case scenario is?" Quinn asked the audience, though she didn't seem to be waiting for an answer.

"The best case scenario is that your wife or husband is also your best friend."

Suddenly there were tears in her eyes.

"And this is what those two have. A friendship which has always been so close... untouchable even. Of course I've always been their friend as well, but what those two had? It was special. Still is."

She paused, swallowing hard.

"It's something everyone in this room can be jealous of."

Santana was looking around the room, some people nodding, most of them looking serious.

"It's this deep friendship that brought them back together. And... fuck... it will always unite them, okay? Have you seen their tattoos?"

Looking at her friend, Santana was close to walking over to Quinn, telling her that it was okay and that she could stop talking now. But somehow she couldn't move. Somehow Quinn seemed to have everyone under her spell.

"Let me tell you something - if I'll ever be lucky enough to find love comparable to what Brittany and Santana have, I will die happily... because I think this is what we're here for... on this miserable little place called earth..."

Quinn was slurring again, occasional sobs making it even harder to understand her.

"...we're here for love. To experience it, once, with our whole heart and soul."

She sat down, searching Santana's eyes in the crowd.

"Santana...", she looked over to Brittany, "...Britts..."

Santana stepped closer to Brittany, searching for her hand to hold it.

"I love you girls. So much. Okay?" Quinn said, brushing a tear away with her sleeve.

"And it's an honor to be your maid of honor..." She paused. "Wow. Suddenly the word makes sense."

Santana smiled, looking down as she was squeezing Brittany's hand.

"And... I haven't said it before... but I will say it now, because I'm drunk as fuck, okay?"

Oh oh.

"I don't know what I'll do once... I... I really don't know. I just..."

Santana swallowed and felt Brittany tighten her grip on her hand.

"It just hurts to think... It... it hurts. I just want you to... I want to come over to your house when we're all, like, 95 or something. I want to see your children and spoil them with presents, be their favorite aunt. I want all that for you two. The whole thing. The real deal. I'm... oh god, I'm sorry."

Santana had never seen Quinn like this before. She knew that whatever else Quinn wanted to say, whatever else she felt... it was too strong for words. Especially now.

"Excuse me, please."

Then the microphone dropped to the floor and Quinn was running out of the room, pushing some guests out of her way as she tried to get through to the door without meeting Santana's eyes again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

About two hours later, most of the guests had left. Brittany had tried calling Quinn but she hadn't picked up her phone. At some point Quinn had sent a text.

_I'm so sorry. I hope you know that. It was a beautiful wedding and I love you girls. I'll call you in the morning. Have a great night xx_

They weren't mad at her. How could they be?

The day had been beautiful, it really had, and Quinn had done her best to make all of this happen. The weather had been perfect, the decorations had been stunning, the food delicious. They had danced, Brittany's head resting on Santana's shoulder. They had laughed. They had seen all of their friends and Brittany knew how much Santana had enjoyed their embraces, their friendly faces. She knew she had wanted to see them one more time, had wanted to celebrate this with them.

But now she could see how tired Santana must have been. She was a little pale.

But she was also happy.

Brittany was looking at Santana, taking in the sight of her wife's silhouette standing in front of the window of their room, softly illuminated by the moonlight.

She stepped behind her to open the zipper of her wedding dress, letting it fall down to the floor so that Santana could step out of it. She peckered kisses along her shoulder, sensing the goosebumps on Santana's skin.

She was her wife now.

It was all that mattered.

It felt as if time had stopped. And there was nothing she wanted to do but to lay down with her. No music. Just the sound of Santana's breathing. The sound of her heartbeat, so close to her own. She wanted to appreciate every second of it. Wanted to cling to this moment.

Her skin was still so soft. So unbelievably soft. And she was warm. And she smelled fantastic.

So much comfort.

There was no way - okay - _no _way that it could ever be different. All right? Because this was the woman she loved with all her heart, with everything she had, and she needed her by her side. How would she be able to breathe without her?

Santana was stroking her hair as Brittany let her head rest on the other woman's chest. She felt her own head move up... and down... and up... she felt so close to her.

Santana wrapped her arm around Brittany, held her tight, not needing to speak. Brittany knew what she wanted to say. Knew that she wanted to say "I'm still here".

Please don't go. Pretty fucking please, don't leave me alone, please.

She felt her kiss her head and closed her eyes for a moment.

You weren't supposed to feel like this in your wedding night, right?

But then again... what was a wedding about in the first place? For her it was simple - two people wanting to spend the rest of their lives together. Brittany knew that Santana was that person for her. That she'd always be that person.

Memories were flashing in front of her inner eye. Childhood days. High School days. First Kiss. First Fight. First Sex. Santana laughing. Healthy.

Darkness was surrounding them.

"Thank you for being my wife", Brittany whispered into the silent room.

Santana was softly stroking Brittany's neck and it was the most comforting feeling Brittany knew.

"I love you more than anything... and this has been the best day of my life" Santana replied slowly, closing her eyes, even though Brittany knew her wife felt just as widely awake as she did herself.

It was all they spoke that night.

And there wasn't much more to say, really.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_N°15: Talk to my grandmother again - Check._

_N°16: Be your wife - Check._


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**A/N: I know that no one expected me to upload this but I promised you I'd finish. I keep my promises. However, I have to tell you that this is the very last chapter to the story. I tried different versions but anything else felt like dragging it out for too long. I've already let you wait long enough.**

**I want to thank each and every one of you for supporting me over the past years, every one who kept encouraging me to finish, even after months of absence. **

**This is the end I had always pictured for this story. If you want to know more about it, feel free to ask me on tumblr or wherever and I'll be happy to talk about it. Of course I'll also be happy about a little review.**

**Their journey meant a lot to me and it was great sharing it with all of you!**

**xxxx**

"Here…. look at me, San! Oh yes, that's perfect, oh my god you have to see this!" Brittany giggled excitedly, her thumb swiping from one picture to the next, admiring the perfect snapshots she had taken of her wife in the water. Next to a gay shark named Lola.

Santana looked so happy. She seemed to almost drown in her giant orange vest, but the lady from 'Dolphin Therapy' assured her that she and Lola would take really good care of her wife.

"Brit you should come back inside and put that camera away!" Santana told her, laughing, and Brittany could see the joy in her eyes. That spark that hadn't left her since the day they had said 'yes' to each other.

They had been married for more than two months now and even though San had been too weak to travel anywhere for their honeymoon, they had tried to enjoy each day to the fullest. They had decorated Santana's wheelchair together and Brittany had rolled her around in the park, by the lake or wherever the other woman wanted to go. Loredana had checked in on them almost every night, to make sure she could help Santana with the pain. And she had explained to Brittany everything she needed to know about the infusion, such a small portable pump, it was really helpful.

Brittany was brought back to reality when Lola splashed some water in her direction, followed by the ridiculously cute sound that Brittany thought must have been actual dolphin giggles. "Okay, okay, I'm coming", she told the animal, putting her camera back into her backpack before carefully climbing back into the pool.

"There you are", Santana whispered, reaching out her hand for Brittany to grab it, trying to pull her closer. "Kiss me."

Brittany smiled into the kiss, enjoying her wife's wet skin on her own. She was happy to have found the dolphin therapy online, she could tell that it was really working. It allowed Santana to get rid of her oxygen tubes for an hour or two and she was surrounded by professionals which made Brittany feel much better about the whole thing.

One of the employees helped Santana out of the water and handed her a towel which she wrapped around her shoulders, shivering. There were goose bumps on her thin legs and it sounded as if her teeth were chattering, but Santana didn't seem to mind.

"I can't wait for tonight", she stated, trying to suppress the coughing. "It's gonna be magical, Brit-Brit."

Brittany smiled.

They were going to see the July 4th fireworks on a helicopter tonight, something the supervisor of 'Dolphin Therapy' had organized for them as he had a lot of useful connections in the region. He had also been the one letting them spend the night at his colleague's aquarium and arranging a private koala feeding for Santana several days ago. Brittany had kept the picture of Santana and the fluffy little bear in her wallet ever since.

"I can't wait either", she told the other woman, carefully rubbing her shoulders dry.

xxxxxxxxxx

It had been a warm and sunny day, not too hot, and even now they could go out without a jacket and enjoy the soft summer breeze on their skin.

The co-pilot helped them adjust their helmets and Santana had to grin as she looked at her wife with that giant green thing on her head.

"We have to take a picture now", she told Brittany as she held up the phone in front of their faces. "Smiiiile!"

They sent the selfie to Quinn, adding a short message. _"About to have a magnificent night. Helicopter. Fireworks. We miss you! Love is in the air!"_

They got an answer only seconds later. _"I love you girls. Enjoy! xoxo"_

Brittany grabbed Santana's hand when they sat down in the helicopter, squeezing it tightly when they left the ground. The world underneath them was getting smaller and the feeling was truly magical.

"You okay?" Brittany yelled into her mic and Santana nodded excitedly.

"Look around you, Britts, this is fucking fantastic."

And it was.

They were positioned at a safe distance when their view suddenly filled with bursts of color, the music they had picked beforehand buzzing in their ears through their headphones.

A wave of emotion was rushing through Santana as she looked at her wife, the colorful sparks reflecting in Brittany's eyes.

She had forgotten the pain, had forgotten the knot that usually felt so tight in her chest. Time had stopped. This was easily becoming the best night of her life.

"I love you, Brittany."

Brittany smiled.

"I love you, too, Santana Lopez."

Santana looked at the lights, how they were rising, almost unnoticed, before bursting in the sky and leaving the world in awe. Then they disappeared.

Some things seemed to shine brightest before leaving the world for good.

Brittany kept stroking Santana's hand with her thumb throughout the entire show, hopping excitedly in her seat whenever an especially beautiful scenario painted the sky in front of their eyes. Santana loved the golden glitter most, the one that Brittany referred to as "unicorn poop".

They landed safely after a while and Brittany and the pilot helped Santana get out of the helicopter. Her wheelchair was already waiting for her and Santana couldn't deny that she would need a bit of fresh oxygen soon.

"There's one thing we need to do first, though", Brittany said with a smile and Santana teared up at the sight of the two floating lanterns that one of the staff members had already prepared for them while they'd been up in the air.

"Perfect, Brit. A perfect way to end this night."

Brittany nodded. "I felt it had to be tonight."

They each grabbed one of the small hot air balloons and Brittany pointed at the little piece of paper that was attached to them. "For your wish."

Santana looked thankful as Brittany handed her a pen. What was the chance that these wishes really came true? She knew it probably didn't make sense to wish for a long and healthy life but maybe, if she played her cards right, a little faith might make anything possible.

She looked at Brittany again, how she was eagerly scribbling something onto her paper - her tongue sticking out in concentration - and if she was honest with herself, all she had ever wished for was for Brittany to be happy.

But tonight she had to think of herself for once. Tonight she wanted to make a wish that she had never dared to make before.

She swallowed hard when the tip of the pen touched the paper.

There were tears in her eyes when she lit the small candle inside the balloon.

"On the count of three…", Brittany said.

And three seconds later their lanterns started floating, dancing together in the sky before slowly disappearing in the distance.

"What did you wish for? Wait - don't tell me, or it won't become reality!" Brittany exclaimed, grabbing Santana's hand.

Santana had to look the other way, closing her eyes as she bit her bottom lip, trying to ignore the lump in her throat.

When she looked up again, the sky was finally dark.

xxxxxxxxx

Back at home, Santana was browsing through the bucket book, lost in thought, the sound of Brittany in the shower the only audible background noise. She let her index finger run along the picture of Brittany in her wedding dress before turning the page and putting some glue on a photo of herself and Lola in the water.

Tigger was climbing up her arm, meowing into her ear while leaving little scratch marks on her skin. "Ouch", she told him, grabbing his soft fur and carefully putting him on her lap. "You're getting bigger, tiger. Be careful with those dangerous claws of yours!"

The cat looked at her as if he understood before snuggling closer to the woman's belly, purring softly as she started stroking his back.

"On the other hand…", she deliberated out loud, tickling Tigger's ears, "you better keep them claws sharp. Once I'm gone, it'll be _your_ job to take care of Brittany, you hear me? It'll be much easier to leave her behind knowing that a fully grown tiger protects her in her sleep."

When the cat started licking her hand, Santana had to roll her eyes, chuckling. "See, that's what I was talking about…"

She had just written 'Swim with a gay shark' next to one of the newest pictures when she felt her phone vibrate, taking a quick look at the screen. 1 unread message. Loredana.

'_Have you talked to her yet? What does she say?'_

Santana closed her eyes. She wasn't in the mood for this now. She didn't think she'd ever be in the mood to have that talk.

'_Not now. Talk to you tomorrow. - S'_, she texted back before stuffing the phone underneath the blanket that was lying next to her.

The next vibration was barely audible and much easier to ignore.

She took a deep breath, trying to avoid another coughing fit. She failed.

Santana was searching for a tissue, her lungs feeling as if they were about to collapse. She held the white handkerchief in front of her face, cringing when she saw the blood. She sighed.

"You okay, baby?" she heard Brittany yell from the bathroom. The water had stopped and there was some steam coming out from the slit underneath the door.

"I - I'm fine", she called out, choking a little. "All good."

When Brittany came into the room, wrapped in her yellow bathrobe, Santana quickly shoved the bloody tissue under the sofa. She'd throw that away later.

"Want me to get you your green tea?" Brittany asked, a smile on her lips as she was starting to massage Santana's shoulders.

"Why don't you just sit with me for a bit?" Santana replied, patting the spot next to her on the couch. "Oh, I'm sorry, with _us"_, she corrected herself when she saw Tigger's indignant glare.

Brittany giggled. She didn't need to be told twice.

"You looking at our book again?" she asked, letting her head rest on Santana's shoulder, inhaling her smell.

"Yeah…"

"I think it's pretty much the coolest thing we ever did together", Brittany said proudly. "What's been your favorite bucket point so far?"

Santana thought about her wife's question for a moment before shaking her head. "Sorry, it's impossible to decide that…"

She went through the book from the beginning, smiling at the very first picture. "This is already one of my favorites."

"The motorcycle?" Brittany asked incredulously. "It was just a toy - I mean, it was just supposed to be that little thing to get us started."

"I know. That's what I love about it." She took Brittany's hand into her own and softly kissed her fingertips. "I will never forget what I felt in that moment. You were wearing this leather jacket and you looked so incredibly sexy…". She had to laugh. "I hadn't been around you in so long and I had missed you so fucking much. And there you were, looking hot as hell, being so unbelievably cute about the whole situation. Even though I had been a total bitch… After all the crying, all the worrying, all this shitty loneliness, you managed to give me butterflies again - just like that. That's who you are. Exactly why I love you so much."

"I had butterflies, too. Even though I was terrified. It's a strange combination", Brittany replied, laughing and squeezing Santana's hand.

Santana turned the page.

"Ooohh my god", she laughed. "The bus."

"One of my favorite adventures with you", Brittany added.

"For sure", Santana agreed. "Can't believe almost a year has passed since then."

"We finally kissed."

"Uh huh…"

They both smiled at the memory and Santana was convinced that this had been the best kiss of her life. The flashback in front of her inner eye hit her hard and she wished she could turn back time. Relive it all.

The rain. Brittany's wet hair between her fingertips. The excitement. The relief. The thought that anything was possible. That they would conquer it all. That they would kick the cancer's ass as long as they had each other.

She was so - SO fucking thankful for having met her again in that hair salon. So thankful for the past months. For their journey and the joy it had brought her. The light at the end of that godforsaken tunnel.

Brittany leaned closer to kiss Santana's ear. It sent a shiver down her spine.

On the next page was a picture of Quinn and Santana could feel it warm her heart a little more.

"What a party…", Brittany said as she looked at the photo. "Vegas rocks!"

"I can still see you on that dancefloor. Feel you, even", Santana added, wishing she could dance with her wife once more. They had always loved to dance whenever and wherever possible. No one had the moves like Brittany. "I'm still dancing with you in my dreams."

Brittany smiled, though Santana could see her chin shivering slightly.

"I was so happy that you brought Quinn back into my life that day. I hadn't realized how much I missed her - all of us together, until that night."

"And I'm glad we got those tattoos together", Brittany agreed. "Something that'll always unite us."

They locked their pinkies, the words written on them fading into one message that had become some sort of mantra to them. Love forever, unbroken by distance.

A sound underneath the blanket interrupted them.

"Santana, your phone keeps vibrating, maybe you should pick it up", Brittany said, a slightly worried look on her face.

"It's Lory, Britt."

"What does she want? You said she didn't have time to come over tonight. Thought she was celebrating with her family?"

Santana sighed. "Brittany, I… I didn't want to do this tonight. But we agreed to always be honest, so." She cleared her throat, coughing a little.

Brittany frowned. "What now, San? It can't be that bad, can it? Not considering what we're already dealing with every day."

Santana bit her bottom lip. "She wants to talk about several… um… _options_ with us."

"Options?" Brittany asked, a confused look on her face. "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"Babe…" Santana sighed, avoiding Brittany's eyes. "I meant stuff like, you know… stationary hospices,... palliative stations… that sort of thing. A nice place with some experienced people who can help when it gets down to… you know… they can help us, make it easier..."

Santana could see Brittany swallow. Could see the tears in her eyes.

"Don't say it. Say no more", Brittany whispered. "Not tonight."

Santana smiled, carefully removing the tubes from her nose before dragging her wife in for a hug.

"You're right", she said, kissing the blonde hair that she loved. "Not tonight. We can deal with that some other day."

She felt Brittany nod against her chest, knowing that she wouldn't want to speak now. It was okay. Now she just wanted to keep her warm and safe. 'Cause she was right where she belonged.

"Brit?"

"Hm?"

"I just wanted you to know that I'm… I'm really happy. It was a beautiful day. One of the best days of my life. And that's because of you."

Brittany turned her head around to look at Santana, quickly brushing a tear off her cheek.

She smiled back.

"It _was_ beautiful."

Santana carefully tried to drag Brittany up so they were on eye-level again, leaning closer to touch her chin with her thumb before kissing her - slowly. Brittany's lips parted immediately as she responded to the kiss, their tongues meeting almost shyly. Somehow every kiss with her could feel like a first kiss. This little hurricane in your belly. The excited tickle in your skin. The heart that is pumping in your throat instead of your chest. And the thought of doing this until time stops. Always and again and again.

Santana let her forehead rest against Brittany's as she kept stroking her hair, wanting to tell her, without words, that it would be okay.

Brittany smiled.

"I'm getting really tired, San. And you must be exhausted."

Santana smiled back at her.

"I'll stay awake a little longer. Until you fall asleep, okay? Let's go to bed."

Brittany nodded, took off her bathrobe and climbed under the sheets, Santana quickly following her. When Brittany turned around to find her typical sleeping position, Santana came closer from behind, spooning her tightly. Their fingers were entwined in front of Brittany's belly - the most comforting feeling in the world.

"Sleep now baby... I'll watch over you…", Santana whispered.

She kissed her hair and Brittany finally closed her eyes, letting out a deep and content sigh.

"... I always will."

Santana waited until she heard her wife's soft little snore. She watched her sleep for what felt like an eternity. Then she grabbed her phone and left the room.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When Brittany opened her eyes again, it was already bright outside. She felt Santana lying next to her and immediately turned around to wake her. It was a Sunday, she would prepare breakfast for them. Maybe they could stop by the lake again later. Maybe they could call Quinn.

Santana looked content, but something was different than usual. Usually Santana would hide her face as soon as the room turned bright. Sometimes she even put on her sleeping mask so no annoying ray of sunlight could interrupt her much valued sleep.

"San?" Brittany whispered. "San, wake up."

Brittany's heart stopped.

No.

"Santana!" she almost yelled, grabbing her wife's hand. But it was cold. It was too fucking cold.

"No. No no no no no… please, no."

The last no was barely audible.

What now? What to do? Who to call? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, goddammit, fuck!

Brittany frantically searched for her phone, her hands shaking, her legs pudding. Gotta call Lory. Gotta call 911. Gotta call someone. Anyone. Please.

When she finally found it, she nervously pressed the home button and saw a message on her screen. A - a message from Santana.

She opened it as fast as she could, her whole body shaking, the tears making it hard to read.

'_Baby, please don't cry. Don't call anyone. Not yet. We both knew that it had to happen. And I wanted it that way. I wanted to be with you. Please watch the video. - I love you more than anything.'_

It was so surreal. Sobs shaking through her like hiccups. Yet Brittany somehow managed to open the video that had been sent to her, the view of Santana smiling at her almost killing her. It felt like a knife in her chest but she forced herself to listen as Santana spoke into the camera.

"Um… hey." Santana smiled, insecure.

"You are watching the video. That means it all worked out and… and we're finally free.

I - I don't even know how to begin to tell you how unbelievably sorry I am. So sorry for what you have to face now. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like, being in your position…

Brittany, you always told me that you thought I was brave... but what does being brave even mean? It's not the absence of fear, it's facing your fears, right? It means being scared but still trying to go on and to live your life to the fullest. And yeah, that's what we did. It's what we did together, Brit. You were the one who helped me face those fears... You're the reason why I didn't give up, why the worst year of my life also became the best year of my life.

And you know what? I'm finally not scared anymore.

I was scared of so many things.

I was scared of the pain.

Scared of being alone.

Of dying alone.

And what I was scared of the most was what it would all do to you. I was scared of leaving you behind, causing you pain, disappointing you.

But what did I think, Brit? I needed you in my life, babe. I needed you and you were there for me, every step of the way. And I know now I'm gone and can't be there for you anymore the way that I want to be. But I'm also not scared anymore that you won't make it. Because I know you will. Because you're the strongest person I know. The bravest and most beautiful and kind-hearted person I ever met. And you will get through this, honey.

And I'll always be with you.

I promise you.

I'll be more than just a little tattoo on your pinky or a ring on your finger. I'll be more than just a picture on your wall. I'll be everywhere around you.

And there might be a point in time when you don't need me anymore. A point in time when you let somebody else love you - that lucky bitch!

There's gonna be a point in time when you have kids and we both know you'll be a great mom.

A point in time when you'll be truly happy.

But no matter when that time comes, babe, no matter how often you feel lost along the way, I want you to remember that I loved you more than anything. If you can, let that be your strength.

Hold on to the thought that I'm somewhere out there, I don't know where, and I'll watch over you.

And if you need to cry or vent or talk, then talk to me and I will listen. I promise you, I will listen, okay?"

Santana took a tissue, stopping the tear in the corner of her eye from falling.

"You see?", she smiled. "I swore to myself that I wouldn't cry on this. To make it a little easier. But I guess I failed. Anyways - Brittany. Please. Don't be mad at me. But tonight, when we let go of that floating lantern… You know what I wrote on the paper? I wrote _'please, let me die happily tonight'_. And now that you're watching this, it's exactly what happened.

Lory said it was a matter of days before things would have gotten even worse. I didn't wanna leave this world connected to all those machines, not able to speak and tell you how much I love you. How much I'll miss you.

But now I get to do all that. And I get to fall asleep next to the most important person in my life. The woman who made me truly happy.

Please, be brave Brittany. Do it for us. I know you can. I've always believed in you.

And please tell Quinn and Lory and my family that I love them. I couldn't have done it without all of you.

Take good care of Tigger and our bucket book. Maybe you can finish the last point without me one day. Maybe you'll think of me when you visit Machu Picchu.

I love you, Brittany. Never forget. I'll always be with you."

Santana smiled and blew a soft little kiss into the camera before the video finally stopped.

Brittany dropped the phone. She looked left. Looked right. Her face was wet and her head spinning.

Not knowing what to do she put on her bathrobe again, stepping outside the apartment, not wearing any shoes.

Mrs McPherson was cleaning the hallway when their eyes met. She could see the old lady didn't need to ask what had happened. Her usually strong and cold features immediately turned soft and she dropped her broom.

"C'mere, girl. Oh no… oh, come here, sweetheart."

Then she hugged her.

"It doesn't feel like it right now, but it's gonna be okay…. It's gonna be okay. I promise. Ssshhh…"

Looking back, Brittany had never expected her old grumpy neighbor, of all people, to be the one comforting her in that moment. She had pictured this a million times. Where it would happen. How and when. What she would do. What she would say.

She had never pictured it like _this_.

She had known it was going to happen and she understood. It was the way Santana had wanted it. Her last day on earth had been a happy one. Her last night next to the woman she loved. But it didn't matter how much time she had had to prepare for this, it made no difference. No one could have prepared her for the pain she felt in this moment. For the terrible emptiness that suddenly filled her heart.

It was a feeling, so powerful, it could break you within seconds.

But she would get through this. She had promised her.

She'd get through this for her.

For them.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Santana Lopez died on the 5th of July, 2015.

Her ashes were spread on Machu Picchu.

- _Check. _


End file.
